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MUSIC & THE ARTS

What's logic got to do with it?

By editorial assistant Sandi Toxic

Posted June 07, 2012
Tina Turner makes good pancakes according to Frank Zappa
Tina Turner: Why? (Check bottom for credits)

Inane lyrics have claimed another life following a shootout with police.


A Kentucky man was left fighting for his life yesterday after being shot dead by police in a tense standoff over crap lyrics.

The man, known only as Metal G Cheesehammer III of 337284 Elskine Drive, Louisville, went berserk with a pencil eraser after being "driven over the edge" by the moronic lyrics littering the world of pop.

"Take Tina Turner, for instance," he shouted at a dog from a first-floor window.

"In her poorly punctuated song What's Love Got to Do with It, she states that 'love is a second-hand emotion'."

"What the hell is that meant to mean?"

"It makes no sense whatsoever."

"Then, get this, in the same chorus she asks: 'Who needs a heart when a heart can be broken?'"

"That's like asking who needs a toaster when a toaster can be broken?"

"No wonder this place is going to hell in a handcart."

"Granted she sang the backing vocals on Frank Zappa's sexually explicit Dinah-Moe Humm and reputedly made him some of the best pancakes he ever tasted, but lyrics like that just drive me up the wall."

"Then, the other day, I heard some one-eyed pop zombie, Shakira it might have been, sing the words 'use your eyes only to look'."

"What else does she think I'm going to use them for?"

"Knocking in nails?"

Cheesehammer's rant was cut short when soldiers posing as police emptied 162 rounds into his head from a drone.

His entire family will now be gassed.


Picture credits

Top and thumb: Illustration by Ignatius Rake using original images by Wing-Chi Poon; badgreeb fattkatt; and Donovan Govan.

For licensing information click the above links.



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