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Bang's bastard beards

By society editor Wolfgang Bang

Posted April 29, 2012
bang's beards 1 to 6 horrible facial hair parade
Gallery of ghastly bristles: Six of the worst. © Wolfgang Bang

Thanks to acid jazz, nu metal and the constant dumbing down of society, ridiculous facial hair is sprouting out all over the place.


Years before hip goatees, the only people who wore facial extensions of pubic fuzz in public were real ale drinkers, morris dancers and people who thought prison quims inspired respect and maturity, like coppers and servicemen.

And as for sideburns: bus station loonies, farmers and aging teds, i.e. the criminally inept.

So we have a message from the past to think about: these people are all w--kers.

Let's face it, beards are for Lee Ralph and sideburns are for Lemmy.

However, in the interests of public safety we shall now attempt to catalogue some of the worst offenders.


No. 1: THE CHINHAWK
This vile strip of beard takes up a position of ultimate food catching ability.

Usually codenamed the third eyebrow, this atrocious minger is a guaranteed turn-on for small-minded females.

Often used in conjunction with antisocial/alternative shaved heads.

Can be extended for added pzazz. Yawn.


No. 2: THE CHIN TUFT
A student/grunger delight, this is chin painting as a new art form.

Hold down the owner and rub with a cheese grater to remove.

Really f--king nasty this one.

A total w--ker's chin coif.


No. 3: THE YORKSHIRE RIPPER
Nuff said.


No. 4: THE JAZZ GOATEE
Oh Christ, the beatniks were awful.

Stun owner with copy of On the Road then apply Tamar gas torch.

If it works on paint then it'll peel this one off.


No. 5: ARTY
Very arty.

Shoot the owner.


No. 6: ROB ROSCOPP/JIM ROCKFORD/THE SWEENEY/THE PORTLY MIDDLE-AGED BUSINESSMAN WHO'S JUST OFFERED YOU A TENNER FOR A BLOW JOB
A bit of a conundrum this one.

Sane yet pervy.

Don't grow them just in case.



more of the world's worst beards and sideburns
Why do they do it? Four more hairy horrors. © Wolfgang Bang

No. 7: PURE SODDING STAR TREK
The brain cells cannae take it, Cap'n.

Apply Glasgow kiss then beam me up, Scotty.


No. 8: BUGGER'S HANDLES
Also known as Noddy's handle bars, mutton chops and Supergrassers.

F--k the 70s.

Punk killed this dead.

Ooh mama, we're all crazzeee now.


No. 9: THE VICTORIAN HAIR COMBO
Still used by sergeant majors at Sandringham.

Respect this at all cost.

Run away screaming in direction of off-licence.


No. 10: THE HAIRY NECK PATCH
Ooh shit, I've seen a couple of these horrors.

Nasty side effects, like listening to Dinosaur Jr.

To sum it up, the French invented a device for this horrid neck-fondler.

The guillotine.


See also A skate punk's lament, posted 13/4/12.


This article first appeared in Pants! Magazine, the in-house publication of South West Pant World, Liskeard, Cornwall, where the above designs featured prominently in the Pant Bonanza Catalogue. It appears here now thanks to a dodgy deal with Dennis Trebaskiss and Roger Polpasty conducted with no oversight in a minivan near Par. Make sure your next pant purchase is a South West Pant World purchase. Remember, there's no need for a guarantee when your kaks are made of fibreglass and caustic soda.


Wolfgang Bang is a former skate punk who dropped the skateboard but remains reliably enraged by various aspects of modern culture. His oaths and verbal abuse still echo around the fashionable Portobello Road area of West London. His hobbies include long-range outdoor drinking, cooking and modern history. He spends much of his time in a hedge with an air rifle, waiting for the rabbits of mass media to pop out of their burrows and graze on the sweet grass of empty promises.


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