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Turd statue unveiled in St Austell

By St Austell editor Turd Lemsip

Posted December 10, 2015
Turd statue unveiled in St Austell
Can you spot the sweet corn? Bask in the glory of St Austell's big brass turd. © Ignatius Rake

Cornish town celebrates restored civic pride with gigantic brass turd.

St Austell's residents had further reasons to be ecstatic and thankful for the continuous improvements within their utopian wonderland today (10/12/15) after the town council unveiled a monument to its far-sighted achievements and stunning success in making its citizens happier, wealthier, healthier and better educated than any town anywhere on Earth.

According to bearded elder Methodist Piefinger, head of the Committee of Tranquil Enlightenment, the ethical overlords within the council can now look back on their glorious achievements with a pride that we can all share.

"Who could doubt that we have achieved greatness?" he asked a rally in Aylmer Square.

"Look, even now the thousands of cured drug addicts and alcoholics living happy lives, cured of their dependence, contribute to our society and culture and bring great wealth to our six remaining chain stores!"

At this, the massed throng of adoring citizens gave a great shout of joy at his utterance.

Methodist continued: "Have we not ended the blight of public lavatories?"

"Have our citizens not rejoiced at having their excretory organs surgically sewn shut?"

"And have these so called 'toilets' been better served by being converted into upper-middle class seaside cottages?"

"I say yes."

"And the blight of a so-called 'music venue' that plagued the lives of so many by offering the evils of live music, performed by minions of the powers ruinous, that simply clogged up buses and taxis, filling hotels and guest houses with evil fanatics who tainted our economy with filthy lucre and foreign ways, WE HAVE DESTROYED IT!"


His white robes fluttering in the sudden gusts of a gale-force wind, Piefinger spread his arms and smiled, his countenance bright with cosmic love.

"We have nothing to offer but the void, for this world is evil," he squealed.

"Learning is a corrupting influence, yet homes, yes homes for those who want to join with the love eternal that we grant, yea!, thousands of homes!"

"No shops!"

"For money is wicked!"

"But homes!"

"Not bookshops or any such outlets brimming with the kind of useful items that an independent retailer would sell, but homes!"

"Little box-like things that look like they'll fall down within a week!"

"We must and WILL concrete over everything until the last vestiges of rurality and nature are but a long-faded memory!"

"Destroy Gypsy Lane!"

"Destroy every patch of playing field and greenery within a thousand miles!"

"And we shall."

"And WE WILL!"

"But now, my beloved children, behold the monument to our glory..."

Piefinger then tugged a silken cord and the covers behind his stern yet kind figure dropped, revealing a mighty solid brass turd standing proud upon a quoit-like double plinth, the sunlight gleaming on its exquisitely rendered tomato pips, half-chewed sweet corn kernels and slightly cracked exterior.

Drugged by its power, the thousands present surged forward, tearing at their faces and clothes in a frenzy of exultant, mindless rapture, as with tongues outstretched, they try to taste its golden glory.

Piefinger then lifted aloft a sacred can of Brasso and, with a sacred duster, methodically and firmly began to polish the epic chod, an enigmatic smile etched upon his wise face.

St Austell is glory.

Happy day.

Chief hack's note: Thanks, Turd. St Austell, though, is not the only metropolis to boast a big brass turd. To see one I snapped a couple of years back in Tokyo, for instance, have a click of this.

See also St Austell bin "best in world", posted 10/10/13; Farewell, the Cornwall Coliseum, posted 16/4/15; The horrors of St Austell, posted 27/5/14; It's all kicking off in St Austell, posted 12/8/13; and Charlestown bogs sell for £115k, posted 30/3/15, among others.

Turd Lemsip
is the former frontman with anarcho-punk combo Chernobyl Effect, a band described by The Times of India as "so underground that they had no records released, played no gigs, had no songs and existed only in the warped mind of its idiot pseudo frontman". Turd lives in St Austell, where he works as a toilet cleaner when not smashing the state. His favourite colour is "dog shit".

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