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The horrors of St Austell

By Hollywood/St Austell correspondent Turd Lemsip

Posted May 27, 2014
st austell
Picture perfect: St Austell is "big news" in Holywood. © Ignatius Rake

Flurry of Hollywood horror flicks to be filmed in creepy Cornish town.

A visiting Hollywood kingpin has told the Rake & Herald that St Austell, Cornwall's most populous town and the official centre of the Multiverse, is "an unbelievable location for blockbuster thrillers".

At a meeting with film industry mogul and coke-snorting sexual predator Spalding Frasier Spunktrumpet III in one of nearby Charlestown's many bistros, the conversation was full of enthusiasm for the raft of films due to be set in the town centre over the coming months.

"It's a location that needs no CGI, no special effects, no set dressing and no make up for the extras!" Spunktrumpet chuckles as his 'male assistant' sinks under the table and the sound of a zip being opened cuts through the bistro's ambient mood music.

"There's no need for extras at all in fact."

"It's all there just as it is!"

Spooky: The local lodge. © Turd Lemsip

I asked Spunktrumpet about which films were going to be shot in the town as beads of sweat broke out on his top lip, his eyes bulging as the faint sounds of someone slurping delicious soup became more insistent.

"Firstly, there's a re-imagining of Village of the Damned, a classic chiller about a race of identical children who are superintelligent telepaths born from an alien genetic experiment."

"Well, we gave it a twist!' he moaned, tongue lolling.

"We're going to use the kids in town and they don't need prosthetics or nothing 'cos they look weird enough, and they're going to communicate not by telepathy but by pissing in each others faces and falling over laughing!"

"They don't even need prompting to do that because it's already second nature to them!"

"Another biggie will be a re-boot of classic horror The Devil Rides Out."

"That'll be great, using the Masonic lodge in St Austell as the key location."

"It totally creeps me out!"

"And it's so imposing with its occult pentagrams and architecture, forcing all who venture near it to suffer pangs of terror at its monolithic glory."

At this point, Spunktrumpet and his assistant, who looks about 13 at a push, start snorting a toxic blend of cocaine and ketamine from the table.

"Snurf, glahh, and I oughta know kid!"



"Zombie movies?" he continues, powder flying from his nose.

"No need for actors with all the nearly dead junkies in your town, say!"

But why is St Austell suddenly such hot property in filmland?

"After the premier of Richard Curtis's About Time in the local movie theatre, everyone in the industry realised St Austell was the go-to spot for dark, apocalyptic hellholes populated by cannibal mutants," he explained.

"Gee, your neighbourhood is the talk of the town!"


"And it's so cheap to film there!"

"You give the council an envelope with some human skin and beads and the people on set a bag of crisps between 'em and they'll bend over backwards for you."


"Backwards," Spunktrumpet raves.

"With their O-rings already greased, kid!"

Haunting: The ghost of a shop. © Turd Lemsip

But it seems the biggest film is going to be Quatermass and the Clay Pit, set in the nearby Eden Project, where Professor Bernard Quatermass investigates mysterious objects falling as meteors and landing near a series of giant domes that purport to be an ecological theme park.

When he investigates, he finds that unknown forces are at work at the highest levels of government and that millions of pounds are being channelled into a scheme by smug alien Rainbow Nazis to terraform the Earth while simultaneously brainwashing visitors with Agenda 21 envirobollocks and other neo-Malthusian claptrap.

Spunktrumpet thrashes and twitches feebly as a thin stream of foam dribbles from his rigid lips, his face a hollow mask that conceals the unbelievable ambition and lusts writhing beneath it.

His last words as he was wheeled into an ambulance following a drug-induced seizure that caused him to squirt jets of faecal matter over the assembled diners and furniture still ring in my ears: "St Austell is big news in Tinseltown, buddy!"

"We'd remake The Little Shop of Horrors there as well but you ain't got any."

"Except for thrift stores and f--king mobile phone shops."

"Seriously, kid, what kind of f--ked-up place is this?"

"And where's all that damn banjo music coming from?"

See also St Austell tits kiss shocker, posted 5/12/13.

Turd Lemsip
is the former frontman with anarcho-punk combo Chernobyl Effect, a band described by The Times of India as "so underground that they had no records released, played no gigs, had no songs and existed only in the warped mind of its idiot pseudo frontman". Turd lives in St Austell, where he works as a toilet cleaner when not smashing the state. His favourite colour is "dog shit".

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