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Take me here, my man!

By R&H taxi columnist Sherbet Trotter

Posted May 22, 2015
taxi tales and happening from newquay

Pissheads are not the only problem for a taxi driver. Sober, upper-class types can be a pain in the arse as well.

Here we go again.

This week the tale of a wonderful Lady who visited Newquay.

She had booked a caravan for her holiday, maybe one of the cheap £9.50 ($15) deals, although that I would never find out.

Up to the window she comes, and speaking with a crisp cut-glass accent.

"Are you free?"

"Yes. Where do you want to go?"

"I'll let you know."

"Let me put your bag in the boot."

"It is all right, I'll have it next to me."

The Lady sits in the back, then pulls out a few pieces of paper and shuffles them about.

Eventually getting them in the correct order, she looks at the top sheet.

"So, where would you like to go?"

"Parkdean Holiday Park."

No please or manners of any description, just a very sharp tone.

Maybe her valet or lady in waiting normally barked the orders.

"Which Parkdean would you like?"

This time the Lady raised her voice, as if it would make me understand 'Parkdean Holiday Park' or clear up any confusion in my mind.

It was a bit like what your mum would do when she thought you hadn't listened.

Sometimes my mum would be the perfect ventriloquist; she would clench her teeth and repeat what she had already said, without her lips moving, and she would role her eyes up to the ceiling.

Britain's Got Talent!!

She would have breezed through to the final, maybe won it, if she had been accompanied by a dog that walked backwards, licking its own backside while juggling a marrowbone.

"Parkdean Holiday Park, Newquay!"

Her voice goes up an octave and then back down in the space of those four words.

"Newquay Holiday Park?"

Now I am trying to get more of an idea.


newquay in cornwall
Newquay: Beaches, benches and plenty of caravan parks. (Check bottom for credit)

My heart went out to the staff of the three Parkdean camps in the area, as someone will have to put up with this wonderful specimen of holiday maker, and anyone who knows Parkdean, they are of a very high standard, but I feared not high enough.

Now, I do not like being talked down to under any circumstances, had enough of that at school, but now she has pushed the sarcasm button.

"I'm sorry, but there are three Parkdean Holiday Parks in the Newquay area: Newquay Holiday Park; Crantock Beach; and Whiteacres. Can I have a look at your booking form, please?"

The exasperated sigh could have inflated a hot air balloon.

In fact, next time that guy wants to travel to the extremes of the atmosphere, I will recommend her to inflate his balloon.

The Lady passes me her booking sheet.

"It's Whiteacres," I mutter.

She gave me a bemused look.

How I held myself together without bursting into uncontrolled laughter I will never know.

It's about six miles from the beach and renowned for its fishing lakes, and somehow I don't think the Lady was here to fish.

So off we go.

After a couple of miles, we arrive at a T-junction.

Two signs: Bodmin to the left, Newquay to the right.

I turn left.

"Newquay is that way," as she points to the right behind my head.

"Whiteacres is this way. In fact, you can see it across the valley," as I point in the distance.

Five minutes of silence follows as we drive though the back lanes to Whiteacres.

I pull up to the entrance.

"This is not Newquay!"

"It is on the outskirts," I say smugly, trying to hide my glee.

"But this is not Newquay," she protests.

"Well, I didn't book your holiday."

The Lady gets out, pays the fare and is looking for someone to blame.

"How am I meant to get into Newquay?"

"Well, there is the hourly bus, or it's about £15 in a cab if you find anybody who will take you more than once."

Another satisfied customer!

See also Kebabs 'n' cabs, posted 7/5/15.

Sherbet Trotter
is a Cornwall-based taxi driver who writes books, films and songs and who gave that Rake bloke a lift the other day. We liked the cut of his jib so we immediately gave him a column.

Picture credit

Bottom: Newquay in Cornwall by Derek Harper.

For licensing information click the above link.

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