Adverts, innum?
dick rampant


St Austell welcomes careful drivers

By transport editor Turd Lemsip

Posted November 21, 2013
st austell
The centre of the Multiverse: No rabid road rage here, sir. © Ignatius Rake

The Cornish town of St Austell, recently recognised as the official centre of the Multiverse, has now won further praise for its tolerant road users.

Far from being like a toddlers' play area full of burst show-me-where-the-bad-man-touched-you dollies after the social workers and psychologists have cleaned the sick off the walls, St Austell has not only garnered laurels for the state of its bins, but also now for its polite and friendly drivers.

Take, for example, the recent case of St Austell resident Timothy Dunn, whose car, the Cornish Guardian reports, was involved in a collision with that of holidaymakers James and Sarah-Jane Bradley on the A390.

Once all had pulled over to ascertain the cause of the accident, Mr Dunn, in the spirit of helpful road users everywhere, politely punched the f--k out of the driver's door in a show of impeccable manners and courtesy.

After good-heartedly frightening the living shit out of the Bradleys and their two six-year-old daughters, Dunn, with a song in his heart and foaming at the mouth, then pursued the family for 20 miles (32.2 km) to the town of Liskeard in what Judge Christopher Harvey Clark likened to a scene from Steven Spielberg's film Duel, with Dunn considerately causing £8,000 ($12,880) worth of damage by repeatedly ramming their car to aid them to their destination.

It is understood that the police were particularly impressed by a phone call from the couple in which the sounds of their car being rammed and the screaming of their children could be heard, clearly demonstrating Dunn's selfless act of charity.

The cops, though, were not the only people to be floored by his kindness.

In fact, so moved was the judge by Dunn's altruistic behaviour that he sentenced him to a 15-month stay in prison with a bucket to shit into and his own spoon, commenting that the neckless 22-year-old was "frothing at the mouth in a way reminiscent of a dog suffering from rabies".

Before possibly adding: "The thick, window-licking [punt]".

It is not known whether Dunn was listening to music at the time of his chivalrous deeds. However, we here at the Rake & Herald can't help thinking that Buzzbomb by the Dead Kennedys would have been the perfect accompaniment to such vehicular heroism. So here it is, embedded from pu113y's YouTube channel. Remember, "I don't love you, I love my car…"

See also St Austell bin "best in world", posted 18/9/13, and It's all kicking off in St Austell, posted 12/8/13.

Share this story, yeah?


Grand Theft Cornwall


The brutal reality of life in the former Celtic kingdom of Cornwall has been brought to the screens in a hard-hitting documentary by the man behind 'Cornish Is…' Viewer discretion advised.

The Hollow Earth revisited

the inner earth

It's kinda spherical and got a hard crust but could the Earth actually be as hollow as Ollie Reed's legs with openings at both the North and South Poles?



Forget the horse. Colin Leggo's latest shockumentally uncovers the living hell that is pasty addiction.