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Some bird drops sprog

By society editor Wolfgang Bang

Posted August 12, 2013
inbred family adds sprog
His father's rictus: An artist's impression of the kid yesterday. (Check bottom for credit)

The world's most inbred family has added another kid. Society editor Wolfgang Bang reports.

In an attempt to have a child that doesn't have a Hapsburg chin growing out of its forehead, a face like a plateful of scrambled egg, haemophilia and a third belly button, Greek scrap metal merchant Phil Krautoinbredopolis and his cackling hag missus have had to capture a girl from outside the confines of their oil-sump tangle of obsolete machinery for their idiot grandson to impregnate.

"My grandson Bill went out in the van and got the chainsaw out," the leathery old buzzard explained as he gulped down hydraulic fluid from a shattered coach while his wife Liz screeched at the moon in joy from an unplumbed toilet on a dais made of shipping containers.

"The boy's got the right number o' legs an' all," said grandson Bill as his mouth formed a rictus that resembled a chicken's arse with dentures inserted.

"My dad Charlie went and spoke to 'is favourite tree."

"'E looks like a monkey, 'e do."

Following the announcement of the birth, scrap dealers from all over the world sent letters of congratulations, unfortunately missing out things like consonants and grammar.

Most seemed to be pictures of a dog or a horse or something with blood squirting from their heads.

"Say hello to the reporter, Katie," said Bill as a pale, terrified girl was dragged out of a scrapped ambulance to address me.

A hammer was placed in her limp hand and she was told to cheer herself up by smashing some dogs to bits.

At this, every misshapen member of the clan set to on a jolly crusade of brutality against the starved animals kept penned inside a chicken-wire enclosure.

Katie turned to me and slowly stammered that a second child that looked like a hairy nostril had been drowned in the latrine.

"Help me, please, before they kill me like they allegedly did my mother-in-law," she gasped before sliding into merciful catatonic darkness.

The sprog will now be named after some insane German forefather.

See also Man wins tennis match, posted 10/7/13.

Wolfgang Bang
is a former skate punk who dropped the skateboard but remains reliably enraged by various aspects of modern culture. His oaths and verbal abuse still echo around the fashionable Portobello Road area of West London. His hobbies include long-range outdoor drinking, cooking and modern history. He spends much of his time in a hedge with an air rifle, waiting for the rabbits of mass media to pop out of their burrows and graze on the sweet grass of empty promises.

Picture credit

Top and thumb: Illustration by Ignatius Rake using original images by Tschugelsmui and Alexandre Goulet.

For licensing information click the above link.

This article was first posted on the old R&H 30/7/13

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