Sunday April 23, 2017
The ability to send someone a bespoke greetings card you generated online is a nice idea. So why all the nob-jockey site names?
You are sitting in an ever expanding mass of space and time – a spinning rock which to quote Carl Sagan "is full of mindless c--ts".
You can't feel yourself spinning endlessly as science dictates but it happens.
The spinning is definitely happening and I, Tabor Creative, can prove it.
In the UK, there is a war going on.
Two behemoths of technology and branding battling it out, swords crossing on the field of Armageddon, crying for our money and attention.
Moonpig.com was created a while ago1.
The idea is simple: you log on and pick an event – birthday, exam passed, family killed by walking pebble god, etc.
You pick a bespoke message and the computer system creates a card and sends it to someone.
A neat and pretty simple idea, right?
I have no problem with the process.
I HAVE A F--KING ISSUE WITH THE NAME.
Where shall we start with that?
Well it's usually a heady mixture of f--kwit agency and retarded client.
The process usually goes like this:
1) someone builds something clever – in this case the online greeting card platform;
2) realises they know NOTHING about marketing or advertising;
3) puts the branding work out to pitch;
4) a load of over-opinionated, over-worked and subconsciously cynical idiots (agency) pitch for the work;
5) someone likes an idea and gives someone money to make it happen.
So yeah, call it Moonpig.
Yeah, that's fine is it?
Then what about Funkypigeon.com?
As ever our brilliant and faultless capitalist system dictates there must be competition.
So WH Smith bring out their own rival.
Again, no real problem with that.
I DO HAVE A F--KING PROBLEM WITH THE NAME.
Suddenly, designing a card online now means you have to call your business a name that a retard could spit out whilst being beaten with a spiked steering wheel.
So here is an idea.
It's called Tittyspider.com.
You order one – it arrives.
A breast with eight legs comes out and squirts milk into your face whilst a message comes out on ticker tape.
It says: "I f--king hate cards."
You then realise that the entire system in which we live doesn't work and you look to the stars for help.
1) Just to clarify, I am not going to research any of this. The process of even Googling 'Moonpig' is a soulless act; an act that should be left to the deserving pricks who watch Saturday evening TV without black tears rolling down their husk-like skulls.
Top and thumbnail: Illustration by Ignatius Rake using original images by Alice Markham; Yarin Jeremy Kirchen; and Petr Kratochvil.
For licensing information click the above links.
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