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NEWS & FORTEANA

Obama declares war on Minecraft

By guest editor Richard Caldwell

Posted December 23, 2015
obama reads from a teleprompter
What do they want me to say? Obama and his trusty teleprompter. Public domain

Richard Caldwell reveals the truth behind the 2015 US Commercial Space Launch Competitiveness Act, signed into law this past November.



In a bid to counter the popular success of the Minecraft video game franchise, noted golfing enthusiast and teleprompter reader Barack Obama has kindly signed into legislation a new law, the US Commercial Space Launch Competitiveness Act of 2015, opening the doors for interstellar mining operations.

"Look here," Obama told a packed press conference in Washington, Tyne and Wear, "I can't even carry a conversation with my daughters anymore."

"Not because I am just oh so busy as placeman leader of the free world."

"But because all they do is go on about their apps and their gaming platforms, add-ons and plug-ins and widgets and what have you."

"And enough is enough."

"So I am hereby utilising the powers invested in me for privatising off-world mining so that multinational conglomerates can steal what does not belong to the Earth."


TELEPROMPTER
"Companies love making money," he continued after a brief hitch with his teleprompter.

"And in the doing, they will be doing my work for me, re-appropriating the Minecraft name for literal meaning in global lexicons with the now obviously inevitable creation of actual mining spacecrafts."

"Whether or not I have the authority to sign and pass an international law is beside the point."

"I hope to change minds about Minecraft, after the public sees these radical new designs our friends at Lockheed Martin have come up with, craft actually purposed for mining, with these crazy big drills on the front and tractor beams and stuff like that."

"Amazing work."

"That blasted game will be left a thing of the past, as relevant as Windows 95, mark my words."

"In four years' time, when people hear the term Minecraft they will think only of these Star Wars-type spaceships piloted by brave, hard-working men and women who are only trying to add to the wealth of corporations."

"And I believe that's something everyone can believe in."

Readers may recall Obama's earlier War on Angry Birds, where he allocated special funding to the Center for Disease Control to cultivate the H5N1 Avian Influenza, to varied results.


See also Darwin reincarnates, tantrum ensues, posted 8/12/15.


Richard Caldwell
used to write for the now sadly defunct New Comics Day. Fortunately, his writings still abound elsewhere on the interweb, such as on his flippin' ace blog that you are strongly advised to check out here.



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