HOW TRUMP RUINED MY LOVE OF HEDGEHOGS: Anti-Trump hysteria bandwagon shocker!
POP MUSIC AT ITS VERY BEST: Watch this. It's flippin' ace.
MESOPOTAMIAN MATHS REVISION: Babylonian trig tablet rewrites maths history books.
NAZIS FORCED TO REBRAND: Nazis threaten to sue over "rampant copyright infringement".
THE REVEREND PICKS 'EM #1: The week's must-watch vids selected by Rev Trepanning.
HOT TAKES! Entrepreneur to open 'Twitter Bakery' for online cannibals.
#MANDRILLMONDAY 4/9/17: You can't keep a good mandrill down…
MAN THROWS COFFEE AT WALL SHOCKER: Scilly Isles rocked by crime of century.
LONG-WEEKEND VIDEO SPECTACULAR: Raven Akki with a Cornish footy extravaganza.
PROCTOLOGISTS FOR PEACE: Arse docs come together for world peace.

Adverts, innum?

MUSIC & ART

"New Banksy" does a face

By editorial assistant Sandi Toxic

Posted April 12, 2013

Scarily accurate: Toy tries his hand at photorealism. © DJ NRG Raver

Street artist steals hearts with latest portrait. One woman dead.

Portuguese street artist Toy, heralded the world over as "the New Banksy", has unveiled his latest piece scrawled on some kind of junction box thing near the Ormeau Road in South Belfast.

Simply entitled Face with a Rusty Tear, the marker-pen-on-metal masterpiece depicts a face with a rusty tear.

And the critics love it!

LEMON
"Everyone knows that it is near impossible to draw a human face," posh critic and pompous prick Carpathian Mountainsausage told a packed press conference with his bank manager Wednesday.

"Picasso came close when he did that one with the eyes all over the place but sadly he got the nose wrong."

"Other than that I can't think of anyone who could possibly hold a candle to Toy's latest ode to human suffering."

"By sticking one eye on a stalk and juxtaposing the whole composition with the word 'lemon' and some purple squiggles, he encapsulates the existential terror of the masses as they ponder their ephemeral being in a world of change, a multiverse of uncertainty."

"He captures the very soul of the poor as they lurk amid the spiritual emptiness of rampant consumerism and meaningless materialism."

"We want at least 500k."

Face with a Rusty Tear quickly sold for £32m, bought by billionaire art collector Gerald Scaartplug, who then slipped some kids a fiver to yank it off the wall with a spanner.

Essential services have now returned to the area but only after one elderly resident died of shock.

"That was my favourite junction box thing in the whole world ever," she told the Rake & Herald by telephone.

"Still, I'm dead now so I just want to get on with my life."

Scaartplug intends to exhibit the piece in his private bank vault in Switzerland.

See also "New Banksy" hits Lisburn, posted 18/2/13.

Share this story, yeah?

RIP Dickie Hammond

The R&H pays homage to Leatherface guitarist Dickie Hammond, who has died aged 50.

Vive the Vibrators!

Steve Auto caught up with punk legends the Vibrators when their 40th Anniversary tour hit Poznan in Poland this past February 2.

You are not a photographer!

Fancy yourself as a bit of hot shot with the old click-click? Well, you might want to check out the YANAP website before setting yourself up as a pro.

SHARE THE RAKE

Drugs

Got a problem? Agony aunt Melvyn Gunt is here to help.

The curious life of Bobby Fischer

R&H reader Mr Swellmons of the West Midlands recounts the colourful story of Bobby Fischer, chess genius and fruitloop.

#BillHicksDay 2

You are strongly advised to watch this.

Laird Hardhammer pulls it off

Sometimes an athlete comes along who rips up the rulebook only to stick the pages back together with his own special glue gun. Laird Hardhammer is just such a man. Laird Hardhammer is an extreme masturbator.

Kebabs 'n' cabs

Dickheads with kebabs are all in a night's work when you're a Newquay taxi driver.

New best beer practices out

US Brewers Association unveils new advice for storing and handling craft beer.

Scott's fruitcake alive and well

world's oldest fruitcake found in antarctica

Richard Caldwell lifts the lid on the world's oldest living fruitcake, recently unearthed by Kiwis in Antarctica.