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Nazi plan for Poland thwarted

By culture editor DJ NRG Raver

Posted October 10, 2013
Poznan Poland
Destination Poz: Where high rents foiled Führer. © Ignatius Rake

Pub closures put kibosh on Hitler's plans for Poznań piss-up, rare footage reveals.

Archive time-warp footage has been unearthed which records Adolf Hitler's disgust on being informed that some of his favourite Poznań pubs have closed, forcing him to cancel a Friday night's drinking in the city and the re-invasion of Poland.

The film, which had been lost since the fall of the Reich, captures the Führer's shock when he is told by his Generals that Coxy's sports bar and the salubrious Dom Vikingow, a favoured haunt of Russian President Vladimir Putin, who once enjoyed a steak and a dance there in the company of the then Polish President Aleksander Kwasniewski, have shut down due to high rents.

The moustachioed Schicklgruber then begins a furious rant, firstly targeting the city's "potato-loving" mayor before moving on to the old town's "rip-off" strip joints and the 24-hour vodka bars, where a shot of loony juice or a 300 ml beer sells for PLN 4 (£0.80; $1.27).

Time magazine's Man of the Year for 1938 then rounds on inferior and impure mongrel-bars, such as the Dragon, Mezkalina and the late-night Massakra, the ubiquitous umbrella-carrying go-go bar promotion dziewczynas and those who he claims squandered the millions earned from the Irish Invasion during Euro 2012.

Doubts have been raised about the authenticity of the film, however, with a number of viewers questioning whether the whole thing had been staged or simply cut from a movie or TV show, while others queried the very possibility of time travel.

"It's supposed to come from 1945 at the latest, yet they're talking about pubs and clubs that didn't open till much later, in some cases last year," commented mathematician and Philadelphia Experimenter John Von Neumann.

"And I can't help feeling I've seen it before somewhere."

"Several hundred times."

"Besides, everybody knows that time travel is nonsense."

"It simply can't exist," added the Hungarian-born polymath before dying in 1957 and re-appearing in 1980.

So far the finger of suspicion has been pointed towards the uploader of the film onto YouTube, best-selling multimillionaire Da Vinci Code author Dan Brown, as well as Kent-based restaurant critic and wind-up merchant Owen Durray.

Durray made international headlines earlier this year when he emerged as the holidaymaker at the centre of the Poznań Bee Jays cervical crayfish scandal, when a mix-up in the translation of a restaurant menu resulted in him losing his appetite.

He is now thought to be harbouring a grudge against the city.

Durray was unavailable for comment.

Is the film real or fake? And just what did happen to Coxy's? Decide for yourself by watching the footage in question, embedded here on the Rake & Herald from Dan Brown's YouTube channel.

See also Virtual Trouser tramps to Drenge, posted 2/8/13.

This article was first posted on the old R&H 17/9/13.

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