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Planetary protection officers wanted

By guest editor Richard Caldwell

Posted August 07, 2017
NASA seeks planetary protection officers
No idea what that pic means: But it's public domain so we thought we'd run it. Public domian

NASA is looking for planetary protection officers. Richard Caldwell appraises the most likely candidates.

Prompted by likely classified information, possibly pertaining to mankind's reptilian ancestors coming back shortly to check on their primordial crock-pot, the National Aeronautics and Space Administration (or NASA colloquially) has announced plans to offer six figures to bravely save the Earth from aliens by serving as "planetary protection officers".

Because everything on the surface of the Earth is totally Norman Rockwell.

The official job post goes on about the intended three-year mission, which will encompass such duties as making sure Earthers do not contaminate extraterrestrial environments as well as safeguarding terra firma from alien matters in turn.

Many other news outlets have been quick to make jokes at the implications of interstellar warfare, but clearly NASA is inferring a grander spin for ecological concerns.

And rightly so.

As such, this journalist has painstakingly researched a list of the most probable, and most appropriate, candidates to fill the six figures.

johnny horizon potential nasa planet protection officer
The man for the job? Johnny Horizon yesterday in 1970-something. Public domain

Formerly of the Bureau of Land Management, Johnny Horizon will probably serve as team leader, having years of experience at the federal level in keeping things clean.

Veteran peace officer McGruff the Crime Dog is the natural lead for head of security, with his crime prevention work well-known in what remains of the US public school system.

A life-long firefighter and rescue worker, Smokey Bear would be best-suited for the role of field commander and could help to bridge gaps should the team encounter any otherworldly were-bears, believed to inhabit Ursa Major.

Popular cyclopean Olympians of steel Wenlock and Mandeville would bring to the table pivotal experience in dealing with multiple cultures and their taxi-based knowledge could easily transfer to piloting whatever necessary spacecraft.

And formerly of the US Forestry Service, Woodsy Owl can complete the roster with his wisdom and well-documented sex appeal.

Together, these six figures will do much to help clean the space-ways of space debris, presenting an iconic unit of dutiful patriotism so earnest that only the Elder Gods of the farthest reaches of the space-time continuum might ever dare oppose.

Oh crap, I read the article wrong.


Cheers, Richard. Personally, I think this is a job for Spectreman, so, slovenly lifted from your last article, here's the superhero's superhero in action once again. Powers from space, he'll save the human race… Spectreman!

See also Japan unleashes Super Monster Wolf, posted 3/8/17.

Richard Caldwell
used to write for the now sadly defunct New Comics Day. Fortunately, his writings still abound elsewhere on the interweb, such as on his flippin' ace blog that you are strongly advised to check out here.

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