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WORLD NEWS

Man throws coffee at wall shocker

By crime editor Dick Rampant

Posted August 30, 2017
Scilly Isles man nicked for throwing coffee at wall but St Austell still Cornwall's crime capital.
No case too small: Crime fighter and wrong righter Dick Rampant yesterday. © Ignatius Rake

Scilly Isles man nicked for throwing coffee at wall but St Austell still tops Cornwall's crime stats.



Residents of the Scilly Isles off the West Coast of Cornwall were left "shaken", "shocked" and "too terrified to go outside"1 this past July 31 when it emerged that James Edward Hole, a 38-year-old from the main island of St Mary's, had thrown some coffee at a wall.

At press time, it was not clear whether the coffee was normal stuff or something poncey like you'd get up Lunnun.

You know the sort.

A twattuccino they're called.


RESTRAINING ORDER
According to Cornwall Live, however, the wall was "internal" and belonged to Sophie Hughes.

Hole was subsequently charged with criminal damage and given a restraining order.

Read more: Meditation guru goes ape in car park.

When Hole appeared at Truro Magistrates’ Court (21/8/17) he was also ordered to pay Hughes £780 ($1,005) in compensation after admitting criminal damage "to a laptop and iPad" in a different (although possible connected) incident eight days prior to assaulting her wall.

It is not clear whether coffee was involved in these other offences.

Either way, I'd be well miffed if someone damaged my laptop.

Especially as I don't like coffee.

Or walls.


coffee not as good as tea
Click the pic: to order you Coffee Not as Good as Tea T-shirt now. © Ignatius Rake


CORNISH CRIME STATS
Likened by some2 to the Boston Tea Party incident of 1773 but using coffee instead, the rumpus has rocked the island community, who "have never known anything like it"3.

Indeed, according to a different Cornish Live report dated 15/8/17, the Isles of Scilly are the third safest part of Cornwall in terms of criminality after rural Launceston and Treliske Hospital, although the Scillonians I've met will tell you the islands are not part of Cornwall in much the same way Cornwall is not and never has been part of England.

Read more: Cornwall poorer than Poland.

Geography aside, Devon & Cornwall Police reportedly recorded 108 crimes on the Scillies last year, a drop of 10% on the 2015 figures.

Meanwhile, Rural Launceston clocked up 97 crimes while Treliske, "the main site of the Royal Cornwall Hospitals Trust in Truro, which is so large it qualifies as its own policing area," incurred 62.

But where is the most crime-ridden part of Cornwall?

I'll give you a clue.

St Austell.


the big brass turd of st austell
St Austell: It's got a big brass turd. © Ignatius Rake


BIG BRASS TURD
Yep, home to both the Rake & Herald and the world's best bin as well as being the global epicentre of the sexual practice known as furring, St Austell has once more justified the unveiling in the town's Aylmer Square of a big brass turd, the like of which "has never been seen before".

In fact, with 1,456 recorded crimes to its name last year (up 2.8%), St Austell now positively wees over longstanding crime stats rival Newquay, which could only muster 1,104 (up 12%).

Breaking these figures down, the largest growth crime in St Austell last year was domestic break-ins, which rose 65.9%, from 44 to 73.

Read more: It's all kicking off in St Austell.

"We do have the biggest population in Cornwall and the number of crimes reported will be higher if you have more people," Cornwall Councillor for St Austell Sandra Heyward is quoted as saying.

"We are also very proactive in encouraging people to report rime [sic] and anti-social behaviour."

"We have been doing this for a couple of years and it is important that people do report crime and not just turn a blind eye."

"In St Austell we have go [sic] a very pro-active [sic] police force, town council and anti-social behaviour team and we are working very hard to combat crime."

We also have a shedtonne of thieving junkies shipped in from up country.

Could there be a connection?

Yes.


st austell world furring capital t-shirt
Click this pic: to order your St Austell Furring Capital of the World T-shirt today! © Ignatius Rake


See also Turd statue unveiled in St Austell, posted 10/12/15.


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The views and opinions expressed in this article and/or video(s) are not necessarily those of the reader/viewer. Either way, we don't really give a toss. Grow a spine, snowflake.


Footnotes

1) My words.

2) Me.

3) Me again.



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