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Love heroin? St Austell actually

By society editor Wolfgang Bang

Posted August 16, 2013
st austell to host premier of about time. whoopee fucking shit
Oh, the glamour! Welcome to the glitz of downtown St Austell. © Ignatius Rake

Richard Curtis' latest cinematic atrocity About Time is to premier in St Austell. Wolfgang Bang is over the f--king moon.

In an Alan Partridge-style farce, Universal Pictures has agreed to premier the film About (F--king) Time in St Austell, Cornwall.

Shot locally, it will make its first public showing at the White River Cinema this coming August 31.


Woo, yeah!

Shit film in shit town.

What's the betting the 'stars' don't go for a drink in the increasingly scag-ravaged centre afterwards?

Love heroin, anyone?

About Time's female lead was on TV the other day, an ex-Neighbours bint able to do middle class.

The film looks f--king shit.

Awkward middle class ginger can go back in time to correct clumsy mistakes in wooing Aussie bint.

Then decides it isn't worth it.

Much fawning gibberish and fake laughter.

Ho ho ho.

About time St Austell wasn't run by monkeys and filled with junkies.

Richard Curtis, who wrote this pile of toss along with Notting Hill, where that love heroin quote comes from, and the equally nauseating Love Actually, will apparently be retiring soon.

Made enough money then?

About Time, proudly brought to you by the creator of Mr Bean and The Thin Blue Line.

Remember them?

If you laughed, it was because of your extra chromosome.

We put the possibility of Richard Curtis' retirement to West Indian punk rock impresario Waterbridge Under.

This is what he said:

"Richard Curtis, the man who made a film called Notting Hill without a single black person in it."

"Not even in the crew."

"Oh sorry, there was a Thai seamstress in the crew photo."

"I'm sending him a script called Golders Green with no Jews in it."


Chief hack's note: Notting Hill and Golders Green are two areas of London with, respectively, large black and Jewish populations. For legal reasons, it should be noted that the Rake & Herald does not believe nor wish to infer that Richard Curtis is a vagina. We were merely reporting Waterbridge Under's own personal opinion on the matter. That said, he's usually spot on about most things.

See also There goes the neighbourhood, posted 5/7/12, and It's all kicking off in St Austell, posted 1/8/13.

Wolfgang Bang is a former skate punk who dropped the skateboard but remains reliably enraged by various aspects of modern culture. His oaths and verbal abuse still echo around the fashionable Portobello Road area of West London. His hobbies include long-range outdoor drinking, cooking and modern history. He spends much of his time in a hedge with an air rifle, waiting for the rabbits of mass media to pop out of their burrows and graze on the sweet grass of empty promises.

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