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NEWS & FORTEANA

Leslie Ash lips crisis worsens

By R&H reader Mr Swellmons

Posted March 03, 2014
russian warship
Lips of contention: A Russian warship yesterday a while ago sometime. (Check bottom for credit)

Armed men blockade airports on Leslie Ash's bottom lip; military action now likely.


The crisis on Leslie Ash's face reached a new high today as an organised military unit seized control of two airports on her lower lip.

The armed men, wearing uniforms with no visible insignia, claim to be protecting Leslie's lips from "fascists and nationalists".

Meanwhile, the interim government on the top lip says that this is an illegal occupation by Russian naval forces.


TENSIONS MOUNT
Tensions have been rising since the ousting of President Yanukovych from the capital last Saturday, a situation which the Russians have described as a coup perpetrated by "thugs and bandits".

The upper lip has been arguing for a peaceful solution to the deadlock and called upon the European Union to help with negotiations.

UK Foreign Minister William Hague said it was "urgent that the lips confirm their constitutional arrangements for upcoming elections".

Upper lip dwellers are also pleading with the United Nations to intervene in the event that Russian troops decide to cross the border.

One citizen told me that the state of affairs was unbearable, pouting: "The initial humiliation we suffered after the allergic reaction to botox was bad enough and now that we are finally coming to terms with it this has to happen."

The removal of President Yanukovych follows three months of violent protests against his decision to seek closer co-operation with Russia.

The bottom lip, itself populated mainly by Russian speaking inhabitants of the Crimean region, may now take the opportunity to force a split across Leslie's entire face.


BACKGROUND TO THE CRISIS
Five things you may not know about Leslie Ash's lips.

• They gained independence in 1991 after the break-up of the USSR.

Neil Morrisey is their official mascot.

• They cushioned the fall of a baby thrown from the window of a burning building during the Tottenham riots of 2012.

• They are a land of wide, fertile agricultural plains, with pockets of heavy industry in the east.

• Since her botched botox injections, Leslie can now only climax by having sex with a dead mod – a situation which her husband describes as "unpalatable".


See also The dance of love, posted 10/10/13.


Picture credit


Top and thumb: The Russian navy anti-submarine ship Severomorsk (BPK 619) by US Navy/Mass Communication Specialist 2nd Class Sylvia Nealy.

For licensing information click the above link.



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