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Justin Bieber seized by Gestapo

By society editor Wolfgang Bang

Posted April 25, 2013
justin bieber accompanied by his wanking monkey pays his ego respect at the Anne Frank Museum in Amsterdam
Bieber: Not self-obsessed at all. (Check bottom for credits)

Tour of Poland, the Low Countries and France now in doubt.

During a recent visit to the Anne Frank Museum in Amsterdam, overhyped Canadian children's entertainer Justin Bieber scotched rumours that he is a repugnant narcissist with an ego the size of Jupiter by writing in the guestbook how he hoped that had the 15-year-old concentration camp victim not been murdered by the Nazis she "would have been a belieber", the term used to describe highly suggestible infants who like his mind-numbing bubble-gum dross. Society editor Wolfgang Bang reports back from the 1940s...

Justin Beiber was yesterday dragged screaming from his attic hiding place by sinister agents of the Geheime Staatspolizei, the Nazi state's security apparatus, after mucking about on Anne Frank's drum kit despite pleas for quiet.

"But my monkey loves it," the primped little arse mannequin exclaimed.

"He gets really excited by it."

"How could I deny my frantically masturbating simian role model such pleasure?"

"Besides, I'm Justin Beiber and me and my monkey can do what we f--king well please," he added before telling his fans not to have sex before downloading his songs in case their attention and money wanders.

It is understood that Beiber's wanking monkey was loaded into an 88 mm flak gun and fired into the side of a windmill, an action that briefly saw both the occupied Dutch and their Nazi oppressors united in common celebration.

According to secret Nazi cables intercepted by boffins at Bletchley Park, the German war effort now intends to weaponise Beiber's back catalogue of musical bum gravy in a bid to destroy Allied morale.

Anticipating mass suicides on all fronts, British Prime Minister Winston Churchill asked reporters: "Is there really no end to their evil?"

In other news, Madonna recruits child soldiers, eats First Minister's liver then declares herself last Queen of Scotland.

See also Does Morrissey matter?, posted 13/4/13. Meanwhile, how about this for a T-shirt?

Wolfgang Bang
is a former skate punk who dropped the skateboard but remains reliably enraged by various aspects of modern culture. His oaths and verbal abuse still echo around the fashionable Portobello Road area of West London. His hobbies include long-range outdoor drinking, cooking and modern history. He spends much of his time in a hedge with an air rifle, waiting for the rabbits of mass media to pop out of their burrows and graze on the sweet grass of empty promises.

Picture credits

Top and thumb: Illustration by Ignatius Rake using original images by Rob from Cambridge, MA; Peter Klashorst; Stilfehler; Adam Sundana; and DonkeyHotey.

For licensing information click the above links.

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