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Internet 'officially full'

By guest editor Richard Caldwell

Posted October 30, 2015
internet at breaking point
Too much arse: Cyberspace has no more space. © Ignatius Rake (Model: Sandi Toxic)

Richard Caldwell offers some sage advice to save the web from blowing its bloated seams.

We here of the intrawebz inner circle are muchly saddened to announce the saddening news that yes, after many long years of no actual warnings, these magical intrawebz are almost completely out of space.

As in, the internet is officially full.

As such, we are asking moderators and administrators everywhere to take immediate and necessary precautions to enable bandwidth for at least a few more weeks of online activities.

If you run a chat room or message board, no matter the subject matter therein, please delete all posts aged three years to this date or more.

Equally, if your boards report a membership exceeding 10,000 patrons but only produce a dozen or fewer new postings per calendar week, please consider deleting the site altogether.

In the same sense, if your forum has existed for a year or more but only declares a membership of a dozen or fewer patrons either regular or irregular, then we would advise your members to exchange email addresses and close down the site promptly.

We also suggest keeping the number of pornographic hyperlinks to whatever assorted phishing attack sites down to a maximum of 13 per webpage.

"Is your take on something already written about to death really warranted?"

As well, if your blogger or blog-spot or blog group hosts reviews involving the music of Lady Gaga or comics by Brian Michael Bendis or Robert Kirkman or Jim Lee or box office movies like the Avatar or Star Trek or Star Wars or Twilight franchises or novels from Dan Brown or JK Rowling or Stephen King, please be aware that each current work of mainstream popular culture only rates as little as several thousand simultaneous review articles scattered about hundreds upon hundreds of webzines and blogs and the like.

Ask yourself: Is your take on something already written about to death really warranted?

In the same vein, retweeting tweets that have already been reposted at least 50,000 times is wholly unwarranted.

Adversely, if your blog only garners one comment per 200 posts, maybe you should just call it quits.

Also, should any individual insist upon maintaining a number of online social networking accounts that exceeds half a dozen, regardless of which sites are popular this month, know that you are very likely a closeted megalomaniac and should cut back to two or three at the most for the betterment of your own personal, spiritual and psychological development.

Especially if you are essentially dealing with the same list of followers at each stop.

Inundation only suits dry fields.

In addition, any friend or follower on said sites with whom you share communication with less often than one message per month should be cut from your list, as clearly you are neither friend nor follower to one another – especially should the conversation be exclusively one-sided.

This is trying news and these are trying times, to be sure, but working together we really can keep said magical intrawebz alive and running for just a bit longer.

For more information, please read this.

See also End of world update, posted 6/10/15.

Richard Caldwell
used to write for the now sadly defunct New Comics Day. Fortunately, his writings still abound elsewhere on the interweb, such as on his flippin' ace blog that you are strongly advised to check out here.

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