Adverts, innum?
fish pint gif

NEWS & FORTEANA

HP Lovecraft lands top council job

By St Austell editor Turd Lemsip

Posted October 31, 2017
HP Lovecraft lands top council job
Visionary nest-featherer: Methodist Piefinger surveys St Austell yesterday. © Ignatius Rake

HP Lovecraft and JG Ballard to oversee St Austell's Meva Roundabout following recent spate of total twattishness. Turd Lemsip reports.



The St Austell Deep State in Cornwall has announced that deceased science fiction writers JG Ballard and HP Lovecraft are now in charge of maintaining the dystopian well-being of the Meva Roundabout, as well as other locations in the Greater St Austell Megatropolis.

His mighty benevolence, supreme leader Methodist Piefinger broke the news yesterday to a stunned crowd of eager local journalists, furtive paedophiles waiting for the school day to end, strung-out junkies and a three-legged dog in an otherwise empty Aylmer Square.


j g ballard books
Impressive CV: Ballard was a shoo-in for the job. © Panther Books, presumably.


DAY-TO-DAY PLANNING
"I have decided, in all the names of the un-holy one, the tri-lobed burning eye, the haunter of the dark, to let these two talented gentlemen take the mantle of responsibility for day-to-day planning in some of our busiest local spots," Piefinger declares from his dais beneath the town's big brass turd statue.

"They are very capable and talented writers, dealing with issues like extreme urban alienation, cannibalism, apocalyptic madness, the breakdown of society, drugs and the unending nihilism of mankind being alone in an infinite universe haunted by unfathomable, god-like, eons-old, malevolent alien races who would as soon wipe out mankind as unthinkingly as we would swat a fly."

"As such, they are perfectly suited for the job."

"Plus, they're both dead so I don't have to pay them while palming all their exies for myself, see."

"And I can probably claim it all off tax, too."

"Or my wife can," he continues, before raisng aloft a tatty map of the town and jabbing it with a pudgy forefinger.


EVERY ONE A REAL CRIME
"I say unto you, behold the sacred nexus of THE BLIND IDIOT GOD!" Piefinger shrills.

"The Meva Roundabout, liminal zone of unending circles, garage of strong lagers ROBBED BY IMBECILES WEARING THE MASK OF NYARLATHOTEP, A TRANSPARENT PLASTIC BAG!"

"And the McDonald's of Doom, built in cursed ritual on the site of an actual cattle market so that the TERMINALLY THICK COULD ATTACK THE DOORS WITH A CARVING KNIFE IN ONE HAND AND THEIR OWN ENRAGED, THROBBING MEAT IN THE OTHER!"

"And that former guest house, WHERE A FATHER AND SON INHALED THE SACRED GAS OF BUTANE IN A SMALL BEDROOM THEN SPARKED UP A FAG!"

"Oh, the rapture!"

"The flames!"

"The 999 call to emergency services!"

"And now THE IDIOT WHO CLIMBS UPON THEN FALLS OFF CARS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROUNDABOUT, SAFELY BREAKING HIS FALL WITH HIS HEAD before vanishing forever up his own annals of cremdom."

"Get on, boss!"


freedom for cornwall t-shirt
Love Kernow? Then click the pic to order your T-shirt today. © Ignatius Rake


STREAKS OF SCABBY PISS
Honking and gibbering in glee at Piefinger's glorious news, the assembled chemically-assisted streaks of scabby piss and their right fucking wrong-cock allies take turns to brutally deflower the dog before setting it alight and eating it, complaining about its missing leg being an assault on their human rights and dignity.

They then stagger and lurch randomly to the local Iceland to buy some baked beans and cider for afters.

Later, the two groups depart; the former to go and burgle old-age pensioners, the latter to hide in bushes in children's parks and have a nice wank.

Unfortunately, the McDonald's has been refused late-night opening hours after nearby residents complained about the disruption they feared would further blight their lives.

They are currently stocking up with automatic weapons and daubing the Elder Sign over everything in sight.

St Austell is Glory!

Happy day!


Cheers, Turd. And for more details on the aforementioned crimes that all took place on or around the Meva Roundabout – such as the bloke who attacked the McDonald's with his cock; the bell end jumping on passing cars; and the doomer who held up the 24-hour garage while hiding his face with a see-through carrier bag – make sure you click on the above links. But now, in honour of that last particular criminal mastermind, here's Half Man Half Biscuit and a load of Lego bricks. Not sure if they came in a clear plastic bag, mind.




See also Turd statue unveiled in St Austell, posted 10/12/15.


Turd Lemsip
is the former frontman with anarcho-punk combo Chernobyl Effect, a band described by The Times of India as "so underground that they had no records released, played no gigs, had no songs and existed only in the warped mind of its idiot pseudo frontman". Turd lives in St Austell, where he works as a toilet cleaner when not smashing the state. His favourite colour is "dog shit".


Engage with the Rake & Herald on FaceBook here and Twitter here. Better still, buy a T-shirt here.


Click this pic to buy top tees and other clag, yeah?
rake clag wazzon cornwall




Share this story, yeah?

MORE FROM NEWS & FORTEANA

Czlowiek znajduje trabke

Człowiek znajduje trąbkę

Człowiek znajduje trąbkę.

Asimov had no freaking clue

Asimov had no freaking clue

Richard Caldwell reports on the threat of hacked pirate sexbots taking over the world.

I've got money back in my caravan

Tales & Happenings from a Newquay Taxi Driver

Some passengers are not the sharpest tools in the box, but it's the taxi driver who still loses out.

SHARE THE RAKE