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NEWS & FORTEANA

Hot takes!

By guest editor Amber Seree

Posted September 04, 2017
FU Phreedum, entrepreneur to open Twitter Bakery for online cannibals
The new face of social media: MIC placeman FU Phreedum yesterday. © Ignatius Rake

Entrepreneur to open 'Twitter Bakery' for online cannibals.



A new fad has arisen among the ranks of the socially mediated.

It's called 'online cannibalism' and FU Phreedum, founder and CEO of JACKals, the new 'Twitter Bakery' designed specifically for those who like to dig into other humans and rip them apart, says it would make a great business model to help bolster the 1%.

"JACKals would make it easier for unverified Twitter users to participate in online cannibalism by matching them directly with verified users in our bakery," FU Phreedum explains.

"Our hot takes are specifically designed to shred our fellow man and you will find no better smorgasbord of delusional devouring of the human spirit."


BAKERY
According to a source close to FU Phreedum, the bakery has been operating on the down-low for some time.

"Afraid at first of a backlash from such brazen offence, they kept their operations mostly hidden," he/she/it says.

"But mainstream media polls indicate feasting on the hopes and dreams of your fellow man is quite popular with consumers and more open operations have now been put in place."

And so far, the reaction from Ballstreet has been positive.

"The pharmaceutical companies are ecstatic and the mental health professionals are looking forward to their raises," psychologist Ima Frauda told MockingBird Media yesterday.

"The psychological damage inflicted by online cannibalism, on both sides, can cause life-long detriment, which of course can only be treated by pharmaceuticals and expensive sessions with professionals."

A few web users have expressed concerns over the new trend of online cannibalism, but they were quickly devoured by the hungry hordes of soul-sucking JACKals and many are now wary to follow in their tweetsteps.


HAMMER
After threatening the anonymous source with a hammer, the Rake & Herald has now been leaked the script from JACKals' upcoming Grand Heckling Ceremony.

It reads as follows:

Hot takes! Get your hot takes! We have dozens of hot takes from verified [insert vapid blue tick here] Twitter users for only the cost of standing in line and taste-testing our new Kool-Aid.

Step right up, folks!

Some of our hot takes include but are not limited to:

Putin is a Nazi!

Trump is Putin!

Sex robots are good!

Trump is a Russian Sex Robot!

Statues are evil!

War is good!

Violence is peace!

Sex Robots!

Sex Robots!

Sex Robots!



Disclaimer: JACKals Inc is not responsible for any lost or stolen sanity, devastated dreams or physical altercations which may arise from online cannibalism.

No source was injured in the writing of this report.


See also Anti-bullshit protests escalate, posted 8/8/17.


Amber Seree
is a US-based artist and writer whose website you are strongly advised to check out here. You can also follow Amber and her work via Twitter, FaceBook, Instagram and DeviantArt here, here, here and here, respectively.


Engage with the Rake & Herald on FaceBook here and Twitter here. Better still, buy a T-shirt here.


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The views and opinions expressed in this article and/or video(s) are not necessarily those of the reader/viewer. Either way, we don't really give a toss. Grow a spine, snowflake.



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