Adverts, innum?
dick rampant

NEWS & FORTEANA

GMS delivers!

Sponsored article

Posted October 10, 2013
gorilla wank
Stressed? You're in safe hands with GMS. (Check bottom for credit)

Are you sweaty/old/smelly/female/male/ugly/cashless/eager to breed or worried about death?


Then we can encourage you to sign up to our new service!

Gorilla Masturbation Solutions.

Ease any ailment or problem today!

Our barely house-trained simian personnel will brutally tug/flick your genitalia till stress, financial difficulties and/or halitosis melt into a sleepless nightmare of grunting, frenzied yanking and being swung about by your bits while the smell of soured bananas and giant enraged ape fills your nostrils.

Floatation tank?

Swimming with dolphins?

F--k off!

"I used to be worried about my baldness and mortgage repayments until GMS cured me! Now it's taken all my fear and replaced it with a gigantic horny-handed monster that barges in to my bedroom at night then pounds my tackle until it's bruised, lifeless and raw. Now I'm just petrified. Thank you, GMS!" J Polyp, Botulism Way, Lower Polgooth.


GMS SERVICES
Managing director: Turd Lemsip
The Bushes
Next to the Girl's Playground
St Austell

"Don't delay – a gorilla wank is on it's way!"


Issued on behalf of GMS Services by Magnum PI PR.


Picture credit

Top and thumb: Jock, a western lowland gorilla, by Jackhynes.

For licensing information click the above link.


This article was first posted on the old R&H 21/9/13.



Share this story, yeah?

MORE FROM NEWS & FORTEANA

Independence for Cornwall?

What do you think of Cornish independence? Raven and Edgar want to know

What do you think of Cornish independence? Raven and Edgar want to know.

Humanzee goes ape shit in shop

Humanzee ape shit shop half man half chimp newsreader Abkhazia Soviet human/ape hybridisation artificial insemination board of trade Shoes ruined

Human-chimp hybrid goes well radge in high street retail outlet. Shoes ruined. Spanner involved.

Obsolete

Obsolete

Think technology's marvellous? Watch this. You might think again.

SHARE THE RAKE