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Fire in the hole!

By crime editor Dick Rampant

Posted August 01, 2012
Bang! Imagine that thing going off up your freckle. (Check bottom for credit)

An Aussie man may face a fine for sticking a firework up his crack.

A 23-year-old Australian man could well be slapped with a A$282 (£190) fine after detonating a firework up his arse.

According to media reports, Alex Bowden was at a party in Rapid Creek, Darwin in Australia's Northern Territory when he decided to shove a firecracker up his nipsy.

"It probably seemed like a good idea at the time," Senior Sergeant Garry Smith of the local plod is quoted by NT News as saying.

However, city by-laws or something make it a crime to discharge fireworks out your jacksie anytime other than on Territory Day (July 1).

Despite initial reports of horrific injuries, it appears that Bowden escaped serious damage to his back, balls, barse and bumhole by wearing a pair of loose-fitting trousers.

Speaking from the burns unit at the Royal Darwin Hospital, Bowden told NT News in a subsequent interview entitled Why I stuck a cracker up my clacker: "I just had a few beers with the boys and let off a few firecrackers."

"And I put one in my arse."

Bowden was adamant that his back and both jazz apples escaped unhurt.

"Just my fingers and my arse [got burnt]," he said.

His mother, he added, "thought it was funny".

Firework-related arse injuries are nothing new.

In November 2006, a 22-year-old man from Sunderland, UK was hospitalised after ramming a rocket up his rectum a little too firmly.

Rather than flying off into the night sky as planned, the Black Cat Thunderbolt Rocket remained lodged near his notcher, spewing out flames that singed his colon.

Douglas McDougal of the North East Ambulance Service (NEAS) told the BBC: "We received a call stating there was a male who had a firework in his bottom and it was bleeding."

"He sustained fairly significant injuries in the fact that there's huge damage to that particular area."

The incident, McDougal continued, could have been fatal as "there's a lot of major blood vessels" around your anus.

"And also the body naturally produces methane gas, so combine that with the firework and the exploding effect with methane's flammability..."

"Let's not forget these are explosives," a spokesperson for the Royal Society for the Prevention of Accidents (RoSPA) told the Sunderland Echo.

"They come with specific instructions about how they should be used."

And apparently, they shouldn't be used up your arse.

Each to their own, eh?

The Rake & Herald does not advise the insertion and detonation of explosives in or around any arse, alive or dead, even though a hand grenade up Bono's gravy machine could probably pass as legitimate artistic criticism.

Picture credit

Top and thumb: A firecracker detonating by Sebastian Ritter.

For licensing information click the above link.

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