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Drunk monks v skate punks

By R&H taxi columnist Sherbet Trotter

Posted December 03, 2015
newquay taxi driver sherbet trotter on drunk monks and skate punks

Mullered monks scrapping with skaters? It's all in a day's work for Newquay taxi driver Sherbet Trotter.

Now, there has been, and still is, a strong fancy dress trend in Newquay, from groups of dominatrices to oompa-loompas.

Some costumes are rented, some shop bought, some home made – there is no end to what people go to, trying to look good or trying to be original.

Now, on a serious note and I am no killjoy, but there are the knobheads who dress as traffic cones, stand in the road and block the traffic.

All I can say is I hope it isn't their relative waiting for an ambulance or any of the emergency services stuck in the traffic.

As they say, those first few minutes are vital.

Well, it was another Sunday afternoon and I had to pick up three slightly pissed lads dressed as monks complete with crucifixes and carrying the mandatory kebabs.

We turned into Manor Road and while going past the bus station a young lad (one of a few) on a skateboard comes straight off of the pavement into the road in front of me.

Luckily, I stopped with a couple of feet to spare.

I shook my head in disbelief.

The young lad just looked at me as if I was in the wrong, flipped up his skateboard and caught it all in one move then sneered at me.

Now, I feel sorry for the youth of today.

There are limited places for them to practice their skills, whether on a skateboard, a stunt bike or even kicking a football, and with playing fields and parks continually being built on for retail parks, etc.

But I would hate to be the police officer that has to go to someone's parents to tell them their son or daughter has been seriously injured, or worse still has lost their life, in an accident.

some monks yesterday
Serious dudes: You don't wanna mess with the monks, mate. (Check bottom for credit)

Anyway, the next thing I know, the monk in the front seat is out of the cab.

He is even more annoyed then me.

He jumps out, kebab in one hand, and goes over to have a word with the youths.

"I suppose you think that's funny," blasts the monk.

No reply from youth number one, but youth number two starts to laugh, so the monk goes over to him and pushes him gently on the shoulder.

"What's so funny then?" asks the monk to youth number two.

Now, what happens next was the part that I would defy anyone not to laugh at.

There is a six-foot-high (1.8 m) fence at Newquay bus station, which separates the buses and the through traffic lane.

Now a bus driver decided he would intervene.

He shouts through the fence at the monk: "Don't pick on them. They're kids!"

"What's it got to do with you?" answers the monk.

"Pick on me," replies the bus driver.

With that the monk spins around, with his other hand he takes off the crucifix and throws it over the fence at the bus driver, who then picks it up and throws it back at the monk, hitting the cab.

The monk then runs over to the fence and slam-dunks the bus driver with his döner meat and chips, along with a generous helping of chilli sauce, bang on the bus driver's head.

I felt dreadfully sorry for the bus driver, but I now have the other two monks trying to get out of the cab.

This could turn nasty!

 döner kebab and chips
Assault with a deadly weapon: A döner kebab and chips yesterday. (Check bottom for credit)

I manage to keep the two monks in the cab but meanwhile a couple of members of the public are now shouting at the first monk.

The monk then tries to lift up a shopping trolley and throw it over the fence!

"Get in the cab now!" I shout at the monk, trying to stop there being a fight over a suicidal skateboarder.

"Get in now!" I shout, and sensibly the monk gets in, my main concern being to get them away before someone gets hurt, namely the bus driver or a member of the public, and I have in my mind that now I could be the object of anger.

As I drove away, I just couldn't help but shake my head, laughing as I tried to fathom out what had happened in the last two minutes.

I drove to the caravan park and dropped them off.

Within two minutes, the radio has sprung into life.

"Have you just dropped some monks off?" asks the controller.

"Yep," I reply.


"Newquay Holiday Park."

"Because we have just had the police on the phone. They want to speak to them."

"Oh, well, they will have to go up there."

"Well, they want to speak to you, because they have got you on camera laughing. Can you go up the nick now?"

So off I go, into the nick and have to speak to an officer.

I could not believe it.

The officer said that the father of one youth wanted the monk nicked for common assault and wanted to claim compensation.

To be honest, there would have been more damage done by a moth's fart.

I thought to myself, he'll be suing the council for damages if the lad fell off his skateboard onto the road, if he had the chance.

Eventually, after listening to what had happened, I think the PC had trouble trying not to laugh.

The joys of CCTV.

Be lucky!

See also My mobile's in your cab!, posted 19/11/15.

Sherbet Trotter
is a Newquay, Cornwall-based taxi driver who writes books, films and songs and who gave that Rake bloke a lift the other day. We liked the cut of his jib so we immediately gave him a column.

Picture credits

Top and thumb: © Ignatius Rake.

Middle: Some monks in a museum by Urban.

Bottom: Public domain.

For licensing information, click the above link.

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