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Cops cuffed for cheese smuggling

By crime editor Dick Rampant

Posted October 05, 2012
Cheese: Do you know where yours comes from? (Check bottom for credit)

Two cozzers in Canada have been nicked for their part in a cross-border cheese smuggling ring estimated to have netted wonga worth one hundred large.

In news straight out of Sunnyvale Trailer Park, scuffers in Canada have filthed three alleged crims for the audacious crime of cheese trafficking.

No shit.

According to a press release issued by the Niagara Regional Police Service (NRPS), three men from Fort Erie, Ontario were half-inched and banged to rights this past September 27 "in regard to a large-scale smuggling scheme to distribute cheese products and other food items into Canada".

The investigation, dating back to January this year, involved dicks and gumshoes from the NRPS, the US Department of Homeland Security's Border Enforcement Security Task Force and the Canada Border Services Agency.

Unfortunately, the dibble have yet to name the ring leader so we can't bang on about who the big cheese was.

However, it appears that two of the accused were themselves serving snippers with the NRPS, which means we might be able to work in some pun or something after all as the term 'cheese' is apparently used in Baltimore to describe the local ducks.

Hang on.


Bear with me.



Can't think of anything.

Anyway, the two alleged cheese-smuggling cheeses have now been named as 39-year-old Scott Heron and 49-year-old Casey Langelaan.

Both were suspended from duty on June 26 "in accordance with the Police Services Act", with the latter cheese smuggling suspect no longer a badge-carrying Babylon.

The third alleged bootlegger of coagulated casein products has been identified as 44-year-old Bernie Pollino.

health effects of cheese fsnazzy graphic
Graphic: No idea if it's right but it looks snazzy, dunnit? (Check bottom for credit)

"The network involved the purchasing of cases of cheese and other food items and transporting these cases into Canada [presumably from the States] without declaring the items or paying duty," the NRPS says.

"Once the products arrived in the country, they were sorted and prepared for distribution to a variety of restaurants in Southern Ontario."

The investigation, so the bizzies reckon, "revealed that there was a significant financial gain to be made" from the cheese smuggling racket, with over C$200,000 (£126,000) worth of "cheese and other products" purchased and distributed "for an estimated profit of over C$165,000".

The Brie Three now face a total of 17 charges, ranging from smuggling to breach of trust, although it is not clear when the Babybel Bootleggers will go before the beak or how much bird the Wensleydale Wannabes could land should the charges stick like dog shit on carpet.

Cheese has been around for 10,000 years or so.

However, its exact origins remain a mystery.

A highly addictive narcotic, it has resulted in the deaths of countless thousands while simultaneously spreading untold misery and suffering.

So remember, kids, if someone offers you cheese at a party, just say NO!

Or maybe that's yoghurt.

One or the other.

Or smack.

F--ked if I know.

Picture credits

Top and thumb: Some cheese by Daderot.

Bottom: The health effects of cheese consumption by Mikael Häggström.

For licensing information click the above links.

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