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NEWS & FORTEANA

Coppers and cars

By R&H taxi columnist Sherbet Trotter

Posted October 23, 2017
coppers and cars

Newquay taxi driver Sherbet Trotter drops off some tasty tips on how to improve the police.



Now, I have mentioned the police in a previous article and despite the odd bad apple they do a wonderful job under manpower cutbacks, financial restraints and possible bad management (just stating what we all read!)

There seems to be a bit of a tolerance with cab drivers when we are clearing the drunks out of the town of a night.

But that tolerance can disappear on a quiet day when you accidentally creep over the limit or pass an orange light when you are trying to get people home whilst listening to them moaning about their day or a family letting their kids scream for nothing in the back of your cab.

Some of us are only human after all (Rag'n'Bone Man, any chance of a few quid out the royalties?).


WHITE VAN DRIVERS
Now, a while back I had a few ideas with regard to policing and efficiency gained while driving every day on our roads.

First of all, I'd start with employing the good old white van drivers to drive the riot vans.

I am not being funny but they are shit hot when it comes to parting traffic.

Everything moves out of the way of a white van and that's without the sirens or blue lights.

Imagine them mounting the kerb to break up a fight!


JOY RIDERS
The police could also do a deal with getaway drivers or some of the joy riders that have evaded the traffic cops but got caught using a helicopter.

They could have them on day-release and the more criminals they help catch the more they get off their sentences.

Just think, it would enable two officers to get out running and not worry about leaving the car.

And they could stop the driver making off by having the fob to cut out the vehicle attached to one of the police officer's belts.

It could also stop them re-offending as well as catching a few more new joy riders.


new-look police moped
The future of policing: It would work too. © Ignatius Rake


FROM PIZZAS TO POLICING
The same with police motorcyclists.

They can be going down the road with sirens blaring and the blue lights flashing but no one moves.

Yet you see a motorbike courier rider or takeaway delivery rider in your mirror and you're out the way before they have your wing mirror off or kick your wing in.

And I don't know what their bike's suspension is made out of but Evel Knievel couldn't live with these riders when it comes to jumping pavements.

So perhaps change the police motorcyclists' training to courier riding.

And change the image of the bikes as well.

Get rid of the flash panniers and stick a cardboard delivery box on the back of these de-restricted mopeds.


A BOLT IN THE PARK
Last but not least, not so long ago someone had the idea of letting the police in the parks have roller blades but the muggers, etc just ran across the grass.

Who gets paid for these ideas!

On the other hand, we could pay a decent wage to ex-athletes.

I mean, Usain Bolt is looking at places in London and Mo Farah may be at a loose end.

What normal mugger is going to get away from these two, especially if we bring back policing in pairs?

That all seems tongue-in-cheek, but all of a sudden taking the piss can become real life.

Just look at Plymouth.

Be lucky!


Cheers, Sherbet. You certainly get my vote on all that. And on the subject of coppers and cars, here's Smiley Culture with his 1984 classic, Police Office. RIP Smiley. I reckon he's ace.




See also Politics and oil, posted 16/10/17.


Sherbet Trotter
is a Newquay, Cornwall-based taxi driver who writes books, films and songs and who gave that Rake bloke a lift the other day. We liked the cut of his jib so we immediately gave him a column.


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