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MUSIC & ART

Cock of Ages: This is Spinal Crap

By society editor Wolfgang Bang

Posted August 12, 2013
tom cruise rock of ages is shit
Hang your head in shame! Tom Cruise some time ago yesterday. (Check bottom for credit)

Wolfgang Bang has just watched 'Rock of Ages'. He wasn't too impressed.


On being told by Brunhilda that she had been lent a copy of a hair-metal version of Mamma Mia, my blood ran cold.

This was the film that boasted the strapline Nothin' but a good time! and which had seen me hissing like a pre-Twilight era vampire confronted by a crucifix when glimpsing its posters at the local multiplex.

How can you turn screaming hairy turds with leather trousers into a marketable commodity again?

Glee and Tom Cruise, naturally.


THE POWER OF RAWK
Most AOR and metal in the 80s was about mild youthful escape before mortgages, kids and economic disasters destroyed any urges to wear leather trousers and sport unisex make-up and wanky perms.

But to hear all the cheesiest Foreigner and Journey tunes covered by Pat Benatar and then sung by a Britney clone defies logic.

Girl moves to LA.

Girl sings songs by Journey.

Girl meets boy so androgynous it looks like his head's made of plastic.

Girl gets job in club.

Tom Cruise plays an Axl Rose debauched idiot 'rock god' in a mankini with leather chaps.

Plays club.

Has sex with journo girl who looks like Colonel Saunders crossed with a poodle.

WITH THEIR CLOTHES ON!

Dry humping!

While singing Whitesnake!

Yes!!

The power of RAWK!

That'll mean we can sell REO Shitwagon albums to 10-year-old girls again.

Oh, and in a 'surprise' plot twist, club owner Alec Baldwin and Russell Brand are gay.

Pity they didn't dry hump to Whitesnake.

Catherine Zeta Jones turns up on a Tipper Gore trip.

And they all burst into f--king song again.

And that's it.

Deserves to be a cult classic, eh Tom?

And on the subject of soft cock rock, Dave Lee Roth went to see Canadian punks D.O.A. once.

He met them as they were packing their gear up and told them he and they were doing the same thing.

They disagreed.

Peeling off his groupies, a burly roadie got the Van Halen frontman in a headlock and asked him to perform his famous 'OWWWWWWWW' scream for their entertainment.

All they got was a feeble whimper.


Chief hack's note: Better get the puke bucket ready because here's the aforementioned dry humping scene courtesy of Soeharto abd samad's YouTube channel. Is it just me or does she look a bit like Nicole Kidman with those glasses on? Poor old Tom must have been well confused. Which might explain we gives her arse a good sniff. As you do. F--king cheese. Who makes this shit? Oh, yeah. Hollywood.





Sorry about that. To make up for it, here's D.O.A. with Jello Biafra and Full Metal Jackoff from krakazaka's YouTube channel. Try singing this in your pants, Tom. Or do you only do vapid shit?





Copies of Rock of Ages are available in all good skips priced far too much.


See also Boyhole spit lubed!, posted 30/7/13.


Wolfgang Bang
is a former skate punk who dropped the skateboard but remains reliably enraged by various aspects of modern culture. His oaths and verbal abuse still echo around the fashionable Portobello Road area of West London. His hobbies include long-range outdoor drinking, cooking and modern history. He spends much of his time in a hedge with an air rifle, waiting for the rabbits of mass media to pop out of their burrows and graze on the sweet grass of empty promises.


Picture credit

Top and thumb: Tom Cruise by Alan Light.

For licensing information click the above link.



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