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But… You're a Horse

By schizophrenic tabloid hack Bobby Splithead

Posted February 18, 2014
david bussell on set
Tie clip: David Bussell on set some time ago yesterday. © Turtle Canyon Comedy probably

David Bussell is a very funny man. What's more, he's just published a book. Buy it. We did.

David Bussell, not to be confused with Barsey Russell off that thing, has got a new book out.

It's actually his first book so that sentence is a bit misleading as it implies he's written others but who cares because it sounds far more sensational like that and sensationalism shifts rags.

Rags like this one.

But who, you might ask if you've been living in a bag full of piss these past 38 years, is David Bussell?

And who the f--k for that matter is Barsey Russell?

Well, while we haven't a clue on that second one – it just kinda popped into my head while typing – David Bussell is a British stand-up, writer, actor and filmmaker who is "so hot he shouts his own name during sex".

And that's not our words.

They're his so it must be true.

hotel art
Pop shocker: She also eats "fruit, plants, seeds and carrion", apparently. © David Bussell

Moreover, for the past eight years, Mr Bussell has waged a ceaseless campaign of art terror that has seen him hiding a series of frankly disturbing "drawings", "slogans" and "words" across the backs of pictures, the undersides of chod bin cistern lids and even on the side of an electric hairdryer in a reign of mindless destruction that has literally stretched from one place to another and beyond.

But Bussell is no common vandal.

In fact, he's probably quite posh because he lives in that London and his art actions, described as "a flagrant disregard for all that is holy" by one commentator I just made up, have to date been solely confined to the upmarket two-star hotels and flophouses he's stayed in across the globe, even finding their way onto the pages of the Daily Mail, the same newspaper that recently broke the story of some bird I've never heard of jumping over a puddle (hat tip: Mr Saunders).

But Bussell's litany of crimes is not merely limited to insinuating that third-rate one-eyed pop warbler Nellie Faturdo shits and pisses out of the same bumhole.

Oh no.

If only that were the case.

For Bussell has also made a grown man swear.


But how?

By ruthlessly hijacking his lovingly crafted online knock-knock joke in a callous orgy of cruelty that would make any right-minded individual sick to the very pit of their stomach while bile and vitriol froths at their mouth, itself all twisted with disgust and revulsion at such heinous contempt for the sanctity of human dignity.

In fact, it made me PISS myself.


So I'm f--king well pleased David has just published a 116-page book that can be yours for just £7.99 ($13.35) plus post and packaging.

book cover
Phwoar! Look at them letters. © David Bussell

Entitled But... You're a Horse, the book, so the online blurb says, is "a collection of pranks, anecdotes and gags that have nothing whatsoever to do with the cover of the book containing them".

Which is a pity because its cover depicts an anthropomorphic horse embracing a lady in a whirlwind of passion akin to a tornado of sexual ardour like a jet-fuelled hard on with a hammer up its shaft repeatedly beating itself against a G-spot the size of Wales.

Over and over again.

And again and again and again.

Admittedly, we here at the Rake & Herald haven't actually read the book in question because we only ordered it yesterday but we strongly advise you, yes YOU, our cherished and beloved readers, to blindly take our word for it that it will be good and thus spunk up all your cash like a jism rain of low denomination coins and buy it right this very minute.








And if it's shit, blame someone else.

At this point I'd normally invent some quotes to make it look like I've actually talked to the bloke I'm writing about but I can't be arsed because my head hurts and there's a man in a window staring at me so instead I'll just copy and paste some stuff I found on David's GIF-heavy 90s-style website and then pass it off as my own work.

They'll never f--king know.

"If you're anything like me (and you really should be), you love an untested commodity," Dave exclusively tells the Rake & Herald via his website.

"That's why you want to buy a copy of my book."

"Remember those Beano/Bunty annuals you used to get as a kid?"

"Well, imagine one of those, but with less cartoons and more dick jokes and obscure jokes about solipsism."

"Still not sure?"

"Then click [this link] and check the preview, but remember, if you crack so much as a smile you're basically obliged to buy a copy."

"And when I say a copy I mean HARD COPY, because this shit comes on paper."

"That's right, no dragging your Kindle to the toilet, this bad boy sits right on your cistern soaking up the flavour."

"So what are you waiting for?"

"My second book?"

"Because that one will probably be better."

Yeah, that should do it.

David Bussell's f--king ace.

Buy his book.


Chief hack's note: Thanks, Bobby. Your TV still sending you messages about the weather and current affairs? F--ker, eh? Anyway, there's more to David Bussell than just being a guerrilla artist able to put even Toy the "New Banksy" to shame. After all, he's also an expert on viral marketing.

And he's also quite keen on magic.

When he's not travelling on London Underground, that is.

The first two videos have been embedded here on the Rake & Herald from Hunka Wunda's YouTube channel while the third comes from David's own YouTube channel here. Check them out then have a scoot round Turtle Canyon Comedy's YouTube channel for a shedload more. And once you've done that, crack out your credit card and buy David's book by clicking this. If you haven't got the hint already for f--k's sake.

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But… You're a Horse

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