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Boyhole "will not split"

By society editor Wolfgang Bang

Posted June 03, 2013
boyhole won't split
Boyhole fever: Delighted fans take to the streets around the world. (Check bottom for credit)

Teeny-bop boy-band sensation Boyhole have scotched media claims of a break-up. New album out now.

Top teen throbbing chart topping non-gender-aligned wunderkind boy band Boyhole have denied rumours of a split.

"Boyhole will not be splitting over the issue of a member's size," manager and agent Renal Catheter III assured a packed press conference yesterday.

"So Dung Matrix gained a little weight."

"He's promised me a bout of bulimic dieting and the possible ingestion of a tapeworm to lose that extra pound he gained but Boyhole will not split."

The boys fielded questions on the issue and backed their manager to the hilt.

"Boyhole members are always accommodating, flexible and willing to stretch boundaries," warbled lead Boyhole singer Dorp Wobney.

"When it comes to Boyhole, there's none more willing to stretch it to the limit time after time."

Matrix nodded sagely.

"I apologise to the fans of Boyhole and I can assure them that I will work real hard to rid myself of my tiny weight increase to remain a viable commodity."

At this, Dick Cock and Tim Hampster both broke into a meaningless crotch-grabbing dance before the assembled band broke into their latest single Baby, Not Before the Wedding (Nope, I'm Not Gay, Oh No).

Boyhole's greatest hits album, Clean Around My Halo's Rim, is out now on Psychochristianhomodenial Records priced far too much.

See also Justin Bieber seized by Gestapo, posted 25/4/13.

Wolfgang Bang
is a former skate punk who dropped the skateboard but remains reliably enraged by various aspects of modern culture. His oaths and verbal abuse still echo around the fashionable Portobello Road area of West London. His hobbies include long-range outdoor drinking, cooking and modern history. He spends much of his time in a hedge with an air rifle, waiting for the rabbits of mass media to pop out of their burrows and graze on the sweet grass of empty promises.

Picture credits

Top and thumb: Some K-pop fans by Joseph Ferris III from On a Ship; faces doctored by Ignatius Rake for legal reasons.

For licensing information click the above link.

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