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MUSIC & ART

Boyhole spit lubed!

By society editor Wolfgang Bang

Posted August 12, 2013
teen idols spit on fans
Boyhole fever: Fans around the world can't wait to be spat on. (Check bottom for credit)

Friction avoided between members as punk opening slammed by record company execs. A lot.


Top teen heartthrobs Boyhole have had their new musical direction panned by their label Psychochristianhomodenial Records (PCHD) after they espoused 70s punk rock at an exclusive executives' bash to showcase their new material.

Manager and agent Renal Catheter III proudly announced his charges before the band stormed the stage, sporting torn thrift-store clothes and dyed hair while clutching real musical instruments and shouting.

Assembled members then attacked each other, performed a piss-streak version of a minor Green Day hit and then spent half an hour spitting on the audience and shouting: "We're really rich! Give us more money!"


OFF THE RAILS
PCHD record boss Bertram Savile-Childfudger said of the platsics teeny-bop boyband sensation: "I think they've got it a little wrong."

"The audience is supposed to spit on the band to stop them getting ideas above their station and remove the barriers between audience and performer."

"And we can't have people getting ideas like that."

"Not when there's money at stake."

"But don't worry."

"I'll soon bring them to heel and remove their barriers," he gasped sweatily while thumbing through an industry modelling catalogue of prepubescent boys with the pages all stuck together.

Rumours of drug and alcohol use have also been following Boyhole.

Dorp Wobney spent an hour drinking a bottle of beer before spending 18 hours knocking furniture over and throwing up.

Bowel Matrix has smoked banana peel and saw colours.

Dick Cock drank Coke and aspirin and rolled around on the floor for a bit and Tim Hampster spent three days with his finger up his arse to "combat anxiety".

Boyhole fan Laaakeisha Frottage said of the band's recent antics: "They're only copying Justin Beiber and who wouldn't want to be spat on by him?"

"He's lush."

"Please, Justin, cover me in your contempt and saliva while I dream of you stealing my parents' wallets."

"SCREEEAAAAM!"

Boyhole plan to piss in a mop bucket next Thursday.


See also Boyhole "will not split", posted 3/6/13.


Wolfgang Bang
is a former skate punk who dropped the skateboard but remains reliably enraged by various aspects of modern culture. His oaths and verbal abuse still echo around the fashionable Portobello Road area of West London. His hobbies include long-range outdoor drinking, cooking and modern history. He spends much of his time in a hedge with an air rifle, waiting for the rabbits of mass media to pop out of their burrows and graze on the sweet grass of empty promises.


Picture credit

Top and thumb: Some K-pop fans by Joseph Ferris III from On a Ship; faces doctored for legal reasons.

For licensing information click the above link.



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