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NEWS & FORTEANA

Bob gives you slack

By religious affairs/football editor Reverend Marcus Trepanning

Posted May 21, 2014
Bob
Some call him the Slack Master: Others call him liar, pimp, whoremonger. (Check bottom for credit)

A timely reminder from the Reverend Marcus Trepanning...


Rev Trepanning here, your fire 'n' brimstone religious affairs editor.

It is at this time of year that I am reminded of how disgusted I am by you all.

To think that I took a vow of scoffing and mockery only to end up in a town full of godless bastards who don't 'get it'.

That's good mocking gone to waste, you know.


TRAMP'S BREAKFAST
Yet the sun still rises up over the vast cityscape of St Austell, lighting the white clay pyramids of the old city and creeping over Stenalees.

Just south, a garden sits undisturbed.

That'll be Eden.

Shortly, a throng of tourists will arrive and take their spots on the benches overlooking the garden.

Some will descend the steps to the lowest point in the garden, quietly duck through a door carved in stone and stare reverently into a hollowed portion of the rock where a body was laid to rest over 2,000 years ago.

As they leave, they will notice a sign on the door: "He is not here, for He is hailing BOB by way of the holy tramp's breakfast up Gypsy Lane."


TRUE SLACK
The tourists don't come to the garden because this is where they hope BOB was buried; they come because they hope this is where BOB DOBBS did what had never been done before – he attained true slack, he quit his job as a travelling salesman and founded the only church to promise YOU sinners a miracle – and quite possibly a go on his brew – the Church of the SubGenius!

So I hope this is a time where we can all reflect upon why those strange Roman cults still haven't admitted the stark-staringly obvious astrotheology of their false religions and then join in our most sacred SubGenius hymn: If I had a Haammerrrr, I'd CLEAVE THE SKULL OF ALL YOUR PINK F--KING BELIEFS, YOU WORTHLESS MARIONETTES OF MEAT.

Sorry, headache.

Anyway, BOB was sent to Earth to teach us a better way to live.

Though his ministry lasted only three sessions on the charley and vodka, his teachings have influenced billions for nearly some amount of your 'time' on this bizarre planet of clocks.

But the greatest gift BOB gave to us was his life.

He paid the price for our sins, died on the chod bin and rose from the 24-hour offie – providing a way for each one of us to return (empties) and live with BOB someday.

Yours

Reverend 'I Don't Practice What I Preach Because I'm Not the Sort of Person I'm Preaching To' Trepanning


Chief hack's note: Wise words from the Reverend there. But who, you may well ask, is this mysterious BOB chap and what the hairy trouser legs is this SLACK he talks of? Well, why not watch the following film, embedded here on the Rake & Herald from ikipr's YouTube channel, to find out? Just make sure you follow the instructions to the letter. Time for some frop, me thinks...




See also Fantasy football fact, posted 4/4/13.


Picture credit


Top and thumb: JR 'Bob' Dobbs by Todd Huffman.

For licensing information click the above link.



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