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Berlin's backwards bear

By guest editor Richard Caldwell

Posted October 24, 2017
Berlin's backwards panda
Trumpets: A typical panda yesterday. © Ignatius Rake

German zoo hopes to straighten out backwards panda with a spot of hanky-panky. Richard Caldwell reports.

Generally, when the youths of today speak of shagging or snogging or whatever the current colloquialism, the intended aim is for the purposes of making the recipient walk funny.

But not for the keepers of the Berlin Zoo.

Their four-year-old panda, named Meng Meng, has developed the strange habit of walking backwards, and although her actions are probably a protest of the backwardness of her own bleak and imprisoned livelihood, the evidently oblivious but dirty-minded zookeepers have decided on a possible solution.

Because walking backwards goes against everything we as a society hold dear.

Should young Meng Meng continue to back that ass up, she shall meet resistance in the form of proposed partner and hirsute sex therapist, the strapping Jiao Qing, a panda seven-year-old and thus nearly twice her age.

With the physics of the matter prompting Meng Meng to be shoved back forwards.

(Like Theresa May after Corbyn showed her to be six seats to the wind.)

Yahoo News did not bother to seek out Jiao Qing's thoughts on the matter, apparently presuming that his travels from China to Germany did not leave a love lost in the wayside.

They also did not bother pondering whether his spiritual beliefs may in fact prohibit sexual relations outside of his age group.

They really seemed to be okay with underage prostitution altogether, which is obviously quite deeply troubling.

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Of course, this brave reporter remains positive that should Berlin or any other zoo care to bring in the big-time tourist roubles, playing matchmaker is fine, but the general populace whether they will verbally admit it or not would be far more intrigued by inter-species relations.

Maybe Meng Meng would prefer to go koala.

Or giraffe.

Field mice perhaps.

Or giant panda meets giant squid.

Which could only help improve geopolitical relations between the Chinese and Japanese and thus take one of the potential strands leading to World War III off the table.

We won't know unless we try.

Cheers, Richard. Personally, I think the zoo's thinking is flawed. Surely, if Meng Meng falls in love with Jiao Qing then her behaviour is only set to become stranger. Love, after all, makes us do foolish things. Isn't that right, Martha?

Meanwhile, on the subject of Berlin and bears, here's the Stranglers.

See also Hugh Hefner, gone but never forgotten, posted 18/10/17.

Richard Caldwell
used to write for the now sadly defunct New Comics Day. Fortunately, his writings still abound elsewhere on the interweb, such as on his flippin' ace blog that you are strongly advised to check out here.

Engage with the Rake & Herald on FaceBook here and Twitter here. Better still, buy a T-shirt here.

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