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WORLD NEWS

Anti-bullshit protests escalate

By guest editor Amber Seree

Posted August 08, 2017
Anti-bullshit protests escalate
Dangerous subversives: Rowdy violent scum protesting like it's some kind of right. © Ignatius Rake

BREAKING: Bullshit Distribution Centre violently attacked by anti-bullshit protestors.



Someone who hasn't gone on record yet told the Associated Press tomorrow that known anti-bullshit protestors got into a violent altercation with bullshit distributors who were legally distributing bullshit inside a Designated Bullshit Distribution Area (DBDA).

"They violently attacked us by calmly stating their case," said one Bullshit Distribution employee who is too terrified to go on record.

"I was distributing sanctioned bullshit approved by the State Bullshit Agency [SBA]."

"I was just doing my job."

"I was just following orders."


VIOLENT TENDENCIES
His voice is not alone: many SBA employees and supporters are gathering in front of the Central Bullshit Distribution Centre (CBDC) in downtown Consumerville this morning, expressing their concerns at the violent tendencies of the anti-bullshit protesters.

"I wish these protesters would just go get a job," one woman told us before her friend piped in: "Yeah, just leave us alone and let us spend our hard-earned money on bullshit if we want to!"

Read more: Bullshit distribution at all-time US high, markets say.

Last week, in a totally unrelated event which you shouldn't think too much about, Rich Whiteman, Demapublican senator for Elite Town, introduced legislation to double the cost of bullshit being distributed within DBDAs and triple the fines for those caught distributing bullshit outside them.

Which, in a totally unsurprising turn of events, was voted in almost unanimously by the rest of the rich Demapublicans the next day.


WORMHOLES
Concerns were raised in a city council meeting, of which we have been pressured to include here by public opinion.

One resident who identifies himself as Beam Me Up, Scotty spoke in front of the council, stating his concerns: "The wormholes they have linked to all the distribution centres are giving the State Bullshit Agency a monopoly on bullshit distribution."

"And they do this with secret technology, secret technology they got from aliens."

Even though there were hundreds of other qualified residents who spoke at the meeting, we thought it was important to show you only the most far-fetched one we met on the street that morning to reinforce the notion that anyone with a differing opinion from the official bullshit is some kind of whacko nutjob.

Some kind of conspiracy theorist.


nothing to see here, folks.
Nothing to see here, folks: Keep watching TV instead, yeah? © Ignatius Rake


PETTY OPPOSITION
Despite a few people raising concerns, Richer Whiterman, the CEO of Bullshit Inc, the private multinational corporation the SBA contracts out for 90% of its domestic bullshit distribution, said yesterday in a statement to his crony friends on Ballstreet: "I am completely confident we will continue to do as we please despite petty opposition."

"We will not allow profits in the bullshit distribution industry to fall."

If you are not distracted yet, consider clicking on this cute video of a cat.

Whitermans statement was music to Ballstreet's ears, with the markets closing at a record high last night.

This comes after the riots which broke out at another Bullshit Distribution Centre in Normalville this past Thursday (3/8/17) caused the market to crash.

"It was terrible," one citizen who was present at the riot said.

"When they ran out of bullshit, people just went crazy."

Read more: Bullshit Distribution Centre runs out of bullshit, rioting.


HATE SPEECH
Sources say that the Anti-Bullshit Militia is led by a fake psyops account called Johnny No Name whose only statement on his FaceBook page is inflammatory hate speech.

"They stand in front of a windowless locked warehouse that says 'Bullshit Storage' and expect us to take them at their word there isn't enough bullshit to go around?" it reads.

The SBA is asking for any information on the known whereabouts of these dangerous protestors.

We will report more official bullshit as it comes in and attack anyone who questions it.

Stay tuned.

But first, here's the weather sponsored by Cordite.


Cheers, Amber. And we'll have more on that story once we've been sent the official press release which we will never question. In the meantime, stay calm and keep buying stuff you don't really need. And remember, if it's not come from a government, massive corporation or the mainstream media, it must be fake news and should not be thought about. Here's that video of a cat.




See also TV is shit, posted 24/5/14.


The original version of this story can be found on Amber's website (see below).


Amber Seree is a US-based artist and writer whose website you are strongly advised to check out here. You can also follow Amber and her work via
Twitter, FaceBook, Instagram and DeviantArt here, here, here and here, respectively.


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