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NEWS & FORTEANA

Angry Birds get my goat

By fashion editor Kok Wang

Posted April 29, 2012
bird
What a pecker: Kok vehemently objected to us using the Angry Birds logo in any way whatsoever. © Ignatius Rake

Annoying trends are nothing new but these Angry Birds are getting on Kok Wang's tits.


Everywhere I've been over the past 18 months or so, I've been assaulted by Angry Birds this and Angry Birds that.

T-shirts, coats, towels, cups, bags, hats, lunch boxes, sunshade things for your car windows, phone covers, cushions, umbrellas, colostomy bags, you bloody name it.

Whether it's kosher or knock-off, somebody somewhere is churning this stuff out at a rate of knots and for some reason people, well youngsters and idiots anyway, are lapping it up all around the world.

It doesn't seem to matter whether I'm somewhere wealthy, such as the UAE, or somewhere poor, such as Sri Lanka, whether I'm in some flashy shopping mall in Malaysia or a souk in North Africa, I keep being psychically attacked by these annoying sprites giving off their evils and chucking out bad NLP1 like Derren Brown with a bag on.

Religion, language, culture, economics, physical geography – nothing seems to be stopping their spread.

But what the cantin' foreskins are they?

Some kind of computer game for those wanky 'smart' phones people have, apparently (the biggest selling 'app' to date I read somewhere2).

Bollocks, I call it.

Cants.

Kok out.


See also Stupid hairy banana bollocks, posted 29/4/12.


Kok Wang
has driven a London black cab for 23 years, making him the world's leading authority on fashion. We are contractually obliged to state how honoured we are to be able to share his insightful take on "clothes and stuff" with you. He currently lives in Bow with his third wife Queenie and "two 'orrible sprogs", one of whom "looks like a fackin' python".


Footnotes

1) What's next? Pissed-off pussies? NLP, by the way, stands for neuro-linguistic programming. If you don't know what it is, learn about it because it's a mind-manipulation technique that's everywhere from advertising to politics. Obama, in particular, is a dab hand at it even if everything he says comes off a bloody teleprompter.

2) Chief hack's note: According to the game's creator Rovio, which describes itself as "an industry-changing entertainment media company based in Finland", Angry Birds is "a casual puzzle game" that "is now the number one paid app of all time". Although probably a tad dated now, Erik Holthe Eriksen and Azamat Abdymomunov, writing in the MIT Entrepreneurship Review in February 2011, reported that the game had already been downloaded 75m times; had 200m "followers"; and was played "200m minutes a day all over the world", or "1.2bn hours a year". To quote Kok: "What a bloody waste."



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