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WORLD NEWS

How Trump ruined my love of hedgehogs

We've jumped on the football bandwagon, now it's time to jump on the anti-Trump hysteria one too!

SHARE THE RAKE MANDRILL

Looking for mad T-shirts? Then vist Rake Clag here.

Mesopotamian maths revision

By guest editor Richard Caldwell

Babylonian trig tablet rewrites mathematical history books. Richard Caldwell covers all angles.

Nazis forced to rebrand

By business editor Randy Gutstick III

Nazis threaten legal action over 'rampant copyright infringement'.

The Reverend picks 'em #1

By religious affairs/football editor the Reverend Marcus Trepanning

Here's this week's must-watch video selection hand-picked by the Reverend Marcus Trepanning, ordained minister of the Church of the SubGenius.

Hot takes!

By guest editor Amber Seree

Entrepreneur to open 'Twitter Bakery' for online cannibals.

#MandrillMonday 4/9/17

By Mandrillus Sphinx and the R&H senior team

You can't keep a good mandrill down…

Man throws coffee at wall shocker

By crime editor Dick Rampant

Scilly Isles man nicked for throwing coffee at wall but St Austell still tops Cornwall's crime stats.

Long-weekend video spectacular

By some football bloke, or something

Raven Akki has the audio-visual lowdown on the long weekend's footy action up St Austell, Sticker and Truro.

Proctologists for peace

By the Reverend Hawker

Arse docs on both sides of Pond come together for world peace.

Didn't he do well?

By culture editor DJ NRG Raver

The R&H doffs its cap to Bruce Forsyth, who departed for the Great Game Show in the Sky this past Friday (18/8/17).

Sex festival goes tits-up

By rag picker Reg Pecker

Man dead, woman unconscious at outdoor UK sex fest.

London, cars and Cornwall

By interwebular talking head Raven Akki

Raven Akki's back with more Trufax and this time it's lecky cars and the UK government's disregard for anywhere outside the Big Smoke.

We're backing Sticker!

By some football bloke, or something

We're jumping on the football bandwagon and, what's more, we're throwing our lot in with Sticker AFC. Here's why…

#MandrillMonday 14/8/17

By Mandrillus Sphinx and the R&H senior team

Get a load of these fantastic mandrills we've got lined up for you today!

Anti-bullshit protests escalate

By guest editor Amber Seree

BREAKING: Bullshit Distribution Centre violently attacked by anti-bullshit protestors.

Planetary protection officers wanted

By guest editor Richard Caldwell

NASA is looking for planetary protection officers. Richard Caldwell appraises the most likely candidates.

#MandrillMonday 7/8/17

By Mandrillus Sphinx and the R&H senior team

It's mandrill Monday mania here, mate, and just check out these gorgeous mandrills we've got lined up for you today!

RIP Jim Marrs

By chief hack Ignatius Rake

The R&H pays tribute to journalist and author Jim Marrs, who died yesterday (2/8/17) aged 73.

Japan unleashes Super Monster Wolf

By guest editor Richard Caldwell

Japanese firm develops animatronic wolf to scare the living crap out of local wildlife. Richard Caldwell reports.

Out cold in Buenos Aires

By pro skater Shanie O'Brien

If you're going to knock yourself out skateboarding, try doing it where the medics can reach you.

FFS: Selfridges opens Christmas shop

By chief hack Ignatius Rake

And it's not even bloody August. The R&H gets on the case…

#MandrillMonday 31/7/17

By Mandrillus Sphinx and the R&H senior team

It's Monday and that means mandrills, flippin' thousands of 'em in fact!

The new space age?

By interwebular talking head Raven Akki

Raven Akki ponders the future of space exploration, the issue of aliens and human perception and then reads each and every reader's mind. Possibly.

Scrap the licence fee

By interwebular talking head Raven Akki

Raven Akki's back with more Trufax and this time he's got the the BBC licence fee in his crosshairs…

Love online

By guest editor Richard Caldwell

Mildly noteworthy blogger shockingly utilises micro-blogging platform for double-entendre message.

Mindfulness and road rage

By crime editor Dick Rampant

Meditation guru goes ape in car park, gets filmed threatening family.

Viral vid of the week #1

By eternal editor AC89

If you haven't seen it already, this will blow your mind!!!

You meet all sorts driving a cab

By R&H taxi columnist Sherbet Trotter

A nutter, a seadog and an OAP with road rage, Newquay taxi driver Sherbet Trotter recalls some his more memorable fares.

Cornish UFO riddle solved

By Sherlockian hack with a telephone Ignatius Rake

Major R&H investigation reveals true origins of strange object filmed over Cornwall last week.

#MandrillMonday 24/7/17

By R&H CEO JMH

Get your week off to the right start with the latest news and gossip from the Mandrill Kingdom. If it's about mandrills, we've got it covered!

Poltergeists versus the pub

By editorial assistant Sandi Toxic

The new series of 'Fortean Talks' kicks off with poltergeists.

Phwoar!

By Trepto Powers in Spain

This woman's body is unbelievable!

Man sicks up rat penis

Newswire/FDC, Paris

A man has sicked up a rat's penis.

Trufax on Googletax

By editorial assistant Sandi Toxic

Raven Akki's back with more Trufax and this time it's Googletax.

Fortean Talks returns!

By editorial assistant Sandi Toxic

Watch as that Rake bloke interviews Raven Akki about the new series of 'Fortean Talks'.

Man eats own foot in freak yachting accident


A man has eaten his own foot in a freak yachting accident.

Trufax and TTIP

By editorial assistant Sandi Toxic

If you thought ACTA was bad, get a load of TTIP, the secret trade agreement that threatens all our freedoms.

Mutant horse spotted in Cornwall

By Lizard Gizzard MP

Two-headed horse baffles country's top boffins.

Of miracles and meters

By R&H taxi columnist Sherbet Trotter

Newquay taxi driver Sherbet Trotter gets religion in the back of his cab.

Man sicks up snake penis

Newswire/FDC, Paris

A man has sicked up a snake's penis.

#Lifehack

By Penus van Stool QC

How to gag the media.

Bowie gone but Monkhouse lives

By culture editor DJ NRG Raver

Comedy legend Bob Monkhouse returns from grave, footage reveals.

Trufax and floods

By editorial assistant Sandi Toxic

Raven Akki kicks off the New Year with another fistful of Trufax coming at yer!

The fourth king

By guest editor Richard Caldwell

Richard Caldwell marks Epiphany (today, 6/1/16) with the tale of the fourth king of orient are.

Obama declares war on Minecraft

By guest editor Richard Caldwell

Richard Caldwell reveals the truth behind the 2015 US Commercial Space Launch Competitiveness Act, signed into law this past November.

The season of goodwill

By R&H taxi columnist Sherbet Trotter

A Christmas taxi tale from Newquay cab driver Sherbet Trotter.

#BillHicksDay 3

By chief hack Ignatius Rake

You are strongly advised to watch this.

#BillHicksDay 2

By chief hack Ignatius Rake

You are strongly advised to watch this.

#BillHicksDay

By chief hack Ignatius Rake

You are strongly advised to watch this.

Happy birthday, Bill!

By chief hack Ignatius Rake

The R&H pays homage to legendary comedian Bill Hicks, who was born 54 years ago today (16/12/15).

Trufax December holidays and climate

By editorial assistant Sandi Toxic

Raven Akki's back with possibly the last Trufax of the year.

Hitler no match for Cornwall Council

By editorial assistant Sandi Toxic

It's 1945 and Hitler faces his biggest test yet... Cornwall Council's Planning Department.

Turd statue unveiled in St Austell

By St Austell editor Turd Lemsip

Cornish town celebrates restored civic pride with gigantic brass turd.

An intern's diary #2

By unpaid work-experience monkey Terri Juggs

Terri's trying to settle in but someone's causing a right stink.

Darwin reincarnates, tantrum ensues

By guest editor Richard Caldwell

Did Darwin reincarnate as a monkey only to kill a priest in India? Richard Caldwell investigates.

Cornish towbar perv hits Newquay

By rag picker Reg Pecker

Man bums towbar, Cornish teen left distraught.

Fuck it

By R&H poet laureate Owen Jenkins

Life's a precious gift but is it all a bed of roses? Have a read of this perfect poem for a Monday morning by R&H poet laureate Owen Jenkins.

And this is my son Generator

By rag picker Reg Pecker

Up the duff but not sure what to call your sprog? How about Generator?

To protect and to serve?

By guest editor Richard Caldwell

Just when you thought American cops couldn't possibly get any worse...

Drunk monks v skate punks

By R&H taxi columnist Sherbet Trotter

Mullered monks scrapping with skaters? It's all in a day's work for Newquay taxi driver Sherbet Trotter.

Goodbye Google Glass, hello Vyclops

By R&H professor Mr Swellmons

Chinese tech firm launches revolutionary smart glasses.

Man marries self

Newswire/FDC, Paris

Cornishman becomes first man to legally marry himself.

What is all this Black Friday bollocks?

By pretender to the Swedish crown Lomgard Uttatoss

Pretender to the Swedish crown Lomgard Uttatoss ain't impressed by all this Black Friday bollocks.

Trufax goes tuskfax

By editorial assistant Sandi Toxic

Raven Akki's back with more Trufax and this time it's elephants and T-shirts.

Cornish super villains nicked

By rag picker Reg Pecker

St Austell master criminals gaoled for bizarre fake hostage ruse.

My mobile's in your cab!

By R&H taxi columnist Sherbet Trotter

Can't find your phone? It must be in that taxi you took.

An intern's diary

By unpaid work-experience monkey Terri Juggs

It's Terri's first day on the job and already things are getting hot and steamy.

A national debate

By editorial assistant Sandi Toxic

Raven Akki's back with more Trufax and this time it's Jeremy Corbyn and how he gets reported in the press.

Look at me!

By selfie-obsessed narcissist Sandra Pissflaps

Selfie-obsessed narcissist Sandra Pissflaps has just posted another picture of herself on every social media site imaginable.

Is nowhere safe from twats?

By Gershn O Bfloritz

Hipsters, hipsters everywhere. It's enough to make Gershn O Bfloritz put pen to paper and write.

Never too old

By Owen Jenkins

On the anniversary of the Armistice, the R&H remembers all who serve and have served on all sides regardless of time, place or politics.

On the stag in Newquay

By R&H taxi columnist Sherbet Trotter

It's not just well-mannered rocket scientists that have their stag weekends in Newquay, you know.

The economy explained

By editorial assistant Sandi Toxic

Award-winning journalist Jonathan Pie explains the economy.

Czlowiek znajduje trabke

Centralna Regionalna Agencja Prasowa

Człowiek znajduje trąbkę.

Internet 'officially full'

By guest editor Richard Caldwell

Richard Caldwell offers some sage advice to save the web from blowing its bloated seams.

Why don't we swop jobs!

By R&H taxi columnist Sherbet Trotter

Running a taxi's a business not a charity.

Kobieta zabija lekarza

Centralna Regionalna Agencja Prasowa

Kobieta zabija lekarza.

Jonathan Pie best UK journalist

By editorial assistant Sandi Toxic

Pie wins major award for breaking ranks and telling the truth.

Social media

By R&H rear fleet admiral David 'Papi' Duke

Papi Duke reports on social media, a movement in creating movements.

Devolution and plastic bags

By editorial assistant Sandi Toxic

Raven Akki's back with more Trufax and this time it's UK devolution and the 5p placky bag charge.

You won't believe how this mum makes £4.7k a month


And it's totally legit!

Par man on dog-bending charge

Newswire/FDC, Paris

Have you seen this man?

Trufax is dope

By editorial assistant Sandi Toxic

Raven Akki takes on the mainstream media in his new YouTube show.

ISIS selling Ebola to kids on FaceBook

By Lanyon Quoit in Hollywood

Evil jihadists infecting children as young as 8 with Ebola-smeared 'cyber sweets' shaped like Savile's cock.

End of world update

By guest editor Richard Caldwell

Richard Caldwell reports from Earth, which was destroyed last week.

What utter, utter, utter


Utter, utter, utter

World to end next week

By guest editor Richard Caldwell

Richard Caldwell reports on the imminent end of the world, which is either next week or tomorrow depending on who you want to believe.

They'd been in love since school


You'll never guess how he proposed.

Cameron cock pig latest

By editorial assistant Sandi Toxic

World reacts to Cameron's controversial decision to shove cock in dead pig's mouth (allegedly).

Jeeves and the M25

By R&H taxi columnist Sherbet Trotter

Newquay taxi driver Sherbert Trotter pays homage to the first man to circumnavigate the M25.

Orbs and OBEs

By editorial assistant Sandi Toxic

Raven and Edgar chew the paranormal cud from their secret hideout somewhere in Cornwall.

Man eats own bollocks in bizarre charity stunt

Newswire/FDC, Paris

Devon man hopes to raise 50 quid for guide dogs.

Skin disease

By official R&H reporter David 'Papi' Duke

Papi Duke scratches the itch that is humanity.

Space monkey eats own foot

By WH Smith (no relation)

Four dead, eight injured.

Czlowiek je cebule

Centralna Regionalna Agencja Prasowa

Człowiek je cebulę.

Our son looks like Churchill


But that's OK!

Czlowiek poslubia mandrylem

Centralna Regionalna Agencja Prasowa

Człowiek poślubia mandrylem.

They found an old cabin


Inside, they discovered a secret.

Global Economy: The China Syndrome

By official R&H reporter David 'Papi' Duke

Papi Duke gets to grips with the state of the world economy.

Lew ucieka w Kolobrzegu

Centralna Regionalna Agencja Prasowa

Lew ucieka w Kołobrzegu.

She used to sit among the flowers


The park was her favourite place.

The seagulls of Cornwall

By editorial assistant Sandi Toxic

Kernow King gets to grips with the Cornish seagull menace down Fowey, Par and St Austell.

Chcesz tanczyc z malpami?

Reklama

Chcesz tańczyć z małpami?

His grandad left him a box


Inside was something magical.

Big black beast stalks Cornish wood

By editorial assistant Sandi Toxic

Phantom animal seen near St Austell, local councillor warns.

Magic from Oz

By editorial assistant Sandi Toxic

Watch Australian comedy collective Debonair Fox spread some random magic.

University to honour Ed Gein

By crime editor Dick Rampant

Outrage as university awards doctorate to dead serial killer.

Settlers of Brooklyn

By editorial assistant Sandi Toxic

New board game recreates the thrill of being a gentrifying hipster tosser in your own home.

Pies atakuje rybe

Centralna Regionalna Agencja Prasowa

Pies atakuje rybę.

It was her special day


What her young son did was amazing.

What are they spraying?

By editorial assistant Sandi Toxic

Fortean chatmeisters Raven and Edgar sink their teeth into chemtrails.

RIP Roddy Piper

By editorial assistant Sandi Toxic

The R&H pays homage to Roddy Piper, who died this past Thursday (30/7/15) aged 61.

Czlowiek zje kanapke

Centralna Regionalna Agencja Prasowa

Człowiek zje kanapkę

This Fortune 500 CEO quit his $10m job


You won't believe what he did next!

As she slept he heard a noise


What happened next will break your heart.

Four lads from Liverpool

By R&H taxi columnist Sherbet Trotter

For a while, Newquay had a gay bar...

This amazing life hack


Will leave you vomiting up blood.

I thought monkey spunk was a disease


Until I learnt to love again.

15 life hacks made of wood


You won't believe what happened next!

5 things I never knew dogs could eat


This blew my mind!

This woman bought an old mongoose


What she did with it will make you cry tears of piss.

I've got money back in my caravan

By R&H taxi columnist Sherbet Trotter

Some passengers are not the sharpest tools in the box, but it's the taxi driver who still loses out.

Independence for Cornwall?

By editorial assistant Sandi Toxic

What do you think of Cornish independence? Raven and Edgar want to know.

Man eats own arm twice

By wendy clitoris Wendy Clitoris

A man has eaten his own arm twice.

Take me here, my man!

By R&H taxi columnist Sherbet Trotter

Pissheads are not the only problem for a taxi driver. Sober, upper-class types can be a pain in the arse as well.

Atlan or Atlantis?

By editorial assistant Sandi Toxic

Raven and Edgar tackle the riddle of Atlantis then cook a load of slugs.

Kebabs 'n' cabs

By R&H taxi columnist Sherbet Trotter

Dickheads with kebabs are all in a night's work when you're a Newquay taxi driver.

Push up champ dead!

By editorial assistant Sandi Toxic

Northern Irish push up champ Hugo First karks it defending crown in Belfast Voicebox shocker.

Blaine to shit in box

Newswire/FDC, Paris

David Blaine to shit in a box.

Doppelgängers wanted

By editorial assistant Sandi Toxic

Dublin City University students actively seeking their 'twin strangers'. Can you help?

The push up champ speaks

By local soak Marcus Keeley

Reigning champ Hugo First speaks to Marcus Keeley ahead of next week's Northern Ireland Push Up Championship.

The Space Dragon Eclipse

By fortean editor Raven Akki

R&H fortean editor Raven Akki and his mate Edgar with the hat track down a dragon doing an egg.

Celebrity cats 'n' cakes

By editorial assistant Sandi Toxic

Colin Leggo gets talking cats with him off 'EastEnders' before explaining the eclipse with Jaffa Cakes.

Big buggers from outer space

By editorial assistant Sandi Toxic

Raven and Edgar are back with the second part of their UFO-themed fortean chinwag.

Amazon to pay for everything!

By R&H professor Mr Swellmons

Truro man gets Amazon to pay his mortgage and more forever.

Charlestown bogs sell for £115k

By rag picker Reg Pecker

The public khazis in 'St Austell's port' sold to former glamour model; 'redevelopment' to detriment of locals likely.

Watch me rot

By R&H reader Mr Swellmons

Dying Falmouth man to install webcam in coffin to let family watch body decompose online.

Cornish planning corruption exposed

By editorial assistant Sandi Toxic

Cornwall Council's Strategic Planning Committee exposed by undercover film crew.

Golden Cow revisited

By local soak Marcus Keeley

Local soak Marcus Keeley's got a new job advertising butter, and we very much like the results.

Happy St Patrick's Day!

By chief hack Ignatius Rake

The R&H raises a glass to all our Irish readers and writers out there.

Strange lights in the sky

By editorial assistant Sandi Toxic

It's time to blast into space as Raven & Edgar get their teeth into UFOs.

Hipsters shaved bare

By sociologist and subcultural butcher Gerome Godard

Sociologist and subcultural butcher Gerome Godard takes the knife to the hipster phenomenon.

RIP Terry Pratchett

By executive editor Wolfgang Bang

The R&H pays tribute to author Terry Pratchett, who died today (12/3/15) aged 66.

Big Ears and the spacemen

By rag picker Reg Pecker

Did the duke of Cornwall witness a UFO land in his uncle's garden?

Why are we here?

By editorial assistant Sandi Toxic

Raven & Edgar tackle the biggest question of all. Then make soup.

Aspire, you bastards!

By media & marketing editor Tabor Creative

Flippin' heck! Tabor Creative's back with a pensive missive on the joys of work and competition...

Star Wars filmed in Cornwall shocker

By editorial assistant Sandi Toxic

Ere! New Colin Leggo documentary reveals the startling truth behind 'Star Wars': it was bleddy Cornish, met!

Man eats own face

By our man in Havana

Four injured; five hurt.

Sasquatch dissected

By editorial assistant Sandi Toxic

Do bigfoots exist and would you eat meat made from human arse droppings? Raven and Edgar get chinwagging...

Stand by for Raven and Edgar

By editorial assistant Sandi Toxic

New fortean chat, mirth and mayhem show to hit YouTube soon.

Demon's hellish nose job

By that bloke off On the Buses. Or was it Dad's Army?

Grown man has nose cut off to look like comic-book villain.

South American arse-crack action

By deep-throat whistle-blower Deepthroat Whistleblower

Man opens beer bottle with arse; woman nicked near Pittsburgh. What does it all mean?

Horse-shaped UFO hits Mexico

By deputy chief hack Charles L'Amour

Is it a bird? Is it a plane? Or is it a horse? Another anomalous object visits Mexico's volcanoes.

The boke of Belfast

By local soak Marcus Keeley

Marcus Keeley reports on the hippest new art craze to sweep the streets.

Update: Americans do have vans

By Legs Eleven and the cast of Friends (no relation)

Scrub that. It seems that Americans do have a word for 'van' and it is 'van'.

Americans have no word for 'van'

By TV van expert Garth Rooks

Fresh revelations shock planet.

Sex with dolphins is illegal

By Finders McClarkey

Do not have sex with dolphins.

Brown noise hits Camborne

By rag picker Reg Pecker

Bowel-rumbling bassline gives Cornish clubbers the shits.

Cory Doctorow takes on DRM

EFF press release

Digital rights champion rejoins EFF to fight "pervasive use of dangerous" DRM technologies.

Sell-out Leggo gig saves planet

Newswire/FDC, Paris

Cornish comedian thwarts giant hairy clam attack, claims ET contactee.

Strange sounds from the sky

By fortean editor Raven Akki

Man in hat hears weird sounds in sky above St Austell. What could it all mean? Raven Akki investigates.

Pastyspotting

By editorial assistant Sandi Toxic

Forget the horse. Colin Leggo's latest shockumentally uncovers the living hell that is pasty addiction.

How to be best in footballs

By footballs expert Daryl Terr'd

The R&H jumps on the World Cup bandwagon.

Welcome to Legland

By editorial assistant Sandi Toxic

Cornish filmmaker Colin Leggo turns his lens on the world of medicine in his latest cutting-edge exposé of life on the wards up Lunnun somewhere.

RIP Rik Mayall (continued)

By culture editor DJ NRG Raver

In a poignant missive, DJ NRG Raver pays homage to the late great Rik Mayall.

RIP Rik Mayall

By society editor Wolfgang Bang

The R&H pays tribute to comedian Rik Mayall, who died yesterday (9/6/14) aged 56.

Britain's hardest stool

By editorial assistant Sandi Toxic

Make-believe Cockney hardman Danny Dyer pays Cornish filmmaker Colin Leggo a surprise hospital visit.

Five years for Cornish slurry wanker

By rag picker Reg Pecker

Cornish cow pat perv banged up for death-threat reign of manure-based masturbatory terror.

Is there something in the water?

By local soak Marcus Keeley

Local soak Marcus Keeley reports from the streets of Belfast.

The horrors of St Austell

By Hollywood/St Austell correspondent Turd Lemsip

Flurry of Hollywood horror flicks to be filmed in creepy Cornish town.

The curious life of Bobby Fischer

By R&H reader Mr Swellmons

R&H reader Mr Swellmons of the West Midlands recounts the colourful story of Bobby Fischer, chess genius and fruitloop.

Travel with the Trebilcocks

By editorial assistant Sandi Toxic

Colin Leggo and Jam First launch world's first Cornish-accent sat nav download.

TV is shit

By pretender to the Swedish crown Lomgard Uttatoss

Pretender to the Swedish crown Lomgard Uttatoss appraises TV.

Bob gives you slack

By religious affairs/football editor Reverend Marcus Trepanning

A timely reminder from the Reverend Marcus Trepanning...

Breaking Bad Cornish Edition

By editorial assistant Sandi Toxic

Colin Leggo's latest documentary details the drama of one man's battle to save his beloved Cornwall from up-country trickery, greed and legal loopholes.

Cornwall poorer than Poland

By rag picker Reg Pecker

Former Celtic kingdom of Cornwall jointly named poorest part of UK; locals not surprised.

Planet Cornwall

By editorial assistant Sandi Toxic

Cornish filmmaker Colin Leggo has turned his hand to natural history with a stunning new documentary.

Miliband breaks cock wanking

By Endless Sludge

Labour leader snaps nob in two during frenzied Commons toilet tug.

The future of blogging #2

By Jill Matthews

Jill's got some new shoes.

Bring back 'sex maniac'

By Operation Yewtree editor Turd Lemsip

Turd Lemsip asks: Where have all the sex maniacs gone?

You can't handle Redruth!

By editorial assistant Sandi Toxic

From Thatcher to Hanks to Churchill to Crowe, all of 'em were bleddy Cornish. And what's more, Colin Leggo's got the proof, see.

Five keys to crisis management

By editorial assistant Sandi Toxic

What should you do when it all goes wrong? Cue the Mexican Hockey League, Rocky the Crackoon and everyone's favourite civic leader Toronto mayor Rob Ford.

First Kiss Cornish Edition

By editorial assistant Sandi Toxic

Cornish filmmaker Colin Leggo's back and this time the theme is love. Pasty love.

Canadians see three UFOs a day

By editorial assistant Sandi Toxic

Last year saw the second highest number of UFOs reported in Canada, a new report reveals.

Die happy with Daniel Traips

By R&H reader Mr Swellmons

In a world exclusive, the R&H travels to the Catskills to meet Daniel Traips, the world's first death coach.

Media manipulation exposed

By editorial assistant Sandi Toxic

New video reveals media's rampant use of photo-manipulation software.

The Cornish Moon Landings

By editorial assistant Sandi Toxic

Ere! T'is March 5 and what better way to celebrate St Piran's Day than with the latest vid from Cornish chronicler with a camera Colin Leggo…

Leslie Ash lips crisis worsens

By R&H reader Mr Swellmons

Armed men blockade airports on Leslie Ash's bottom lip; military action now likely.

Buy Bussell's book

By chief hack Ignatius Rake

We've now read David Bussell's book 'But… You're a Horse' and it's the dog's bloody bollocks. So get your wedge out and a buy a copy. Sharpish!

Cornish Sky

By editorial assistant Sandi Toxic

'Grand Theft Cornwall' star Colin Leggo is now spreading the word of Cornishness via Sky bleddy TV.

Laird Hardhammer pulls it off

By editorial assistant Sandi Toxic

Sometimes an athlete comes along who rips up the rulebook only to stick the pages back together with his own special glue gun. Laird Hardhammer is just such a man. Laird Hardhammer is an extreme masturbator.

But… You're a Horse

By schizophrenic tabloid hack Bobby Splithead

David Bussell is a very funny man. What's more, he's just published a book. Buy it. We did.

Crap Actually

By poetry editor Godfrey Hardcore

Godfrey's written another f--king poem. Something to do with love or something. Whoopee shit.

Happy St Valentine's Day!

By editorial assistant Sandi Toxic

The R&H jumps on the St Valentine's Day bandwagon with tunes from the Damned, PIL, Joy Division and Stereo Total, not to mention some hot triple-X action from old Alan Partridge.

The future of blogging

Is Jill Matthews

Welcome to the world of Jill Matthews.

Grand Theft Cornwall

By editorial assistant Sandi Toxic

The brutal reality of life in the former Celtic kingdom of Cornwall has been brought to the screens in a hard-hitting documentary by the man behind 'Cornish Is…' Viewer discretion advised.

Meggings

By fashion editor Kok Wang

Latest trouser craze for arseholes leaves Kok Wang apoplectic with rage.

Nicked for trolling herself

By rag picker Reg Pecker

Cornish beauty becomes first person nicked for trolling herself.

Road users, pay attention!

By editorial assistant Sandi Toxic

The Mexican Hockey League has issued a disturbing video on the dangers of driving while distracted.

Boyhole fingered for drink drag race

By society editor Wolfgang Bang

Manufactured teenbop sensation Boyhole nicked in Pussy Riot-style rip-off stunt after sell-out lip synch gig in Dubai's Nouveau Riche Arena.

Paris Fashion Week

By fashion editor Kok Wang

Apparently, it's Paris Fashion Week or something. Fashion editor and London cabbie Kok Wang's well impressed.

No!

By fashion editor Kok Wang

Fashion editor Kok Wang has just seen something that's left him reaching for the flamethrower.

St Austell tits kiss shocker

By education editor Turd Lemsip

Anyone who thinks romance is dead clearly hasn't been to St Austell; end of world imminent.

Mini Mozart dazzles Great Wen

By staff writer Stafford Wrighter

Nine-year-old nipper tinkles ivories in Ripley's but will he get whacked for revealing Masonic secrets?

St Austell welcomes careful drivers

By transport editor Turd Lemsip

The Cornish town of St Austell, recently recognised as the official centre of the Multiverse, has now won further praise for its tolerant road users.

Wayne Rooney leg vomit

By society editor Wolfgang Bang

Wolfgang Bang reports on the latest fashion atrocity to plague the Earth in St Austell, now officially recognised as the centre of the Multiverse.

Star Trek by the Sun?

By fortean editor Raven Akki

Flippin' onions! What the hell's that by our nearest star? You be the jury!

UK spends £22m on dog shit

By crime editor Dick Rampant

Tougher measures demanded for c--ts who let their dogs shit everywhere.

GMS delivers!

Sponsored article

Are you sweaty/old/smelly/female/male/ugly/cashless/eager to breed or worried about death?

Man grows wasp nest in cock

By Pendle Buttersheath

A man has grown a wasp's nest in his cock.

St Austell bin "best in world"

By editorial assistant Sandi Toxic

Cornish town lands prestigious bin award; civic pride restored.

Nazi plan for Poland thwarted

By culture editor DJ NRG Raver

Pub closures put kibosh on Hitler's plans for Poznań piss-up, rare footage reveals.

The dance of love

By R&H reader Mr Swellmons

Mr Swellmons recounts an edgy tale of true love and classical music.

Prince Andrew frisked by fuzz

By arts and media correspondent Waterbridge Under

Prince Andrew 'stopped and searched' in grounds of his mother's house.

Love heroin? St Austell actually

By society editor Wolfgang Bang

Richard Curtis' latest cinematic atrocity About Time is to premier in St Austell. Wolfgang Bang is over the f--king moon.

It's all kicking off in St Austell

By staff writer Stafford Wrighter

UFOs, furverts, rubbish robbers and stupid sniffers. There's never a dull moment in St Austell.

Combats with Crocs

By fashion editor Kok Wang

Fashion editor Kok Wang's just seen a picture "what made [his] piss boil".

Some bird drops sprog

By society editor Wolfgang Bang

The world's most inbred family has added another kid. Society editor Wolfgang Bang reports.

Vampire graves unearthed

By some bloke at Cor Blimey!

The graves of four alleged vampires have been found by road diggers in Poland.

Man wins tennis match

By society editor Wolfgang Bang

Some bloke has won a tennis match or something. Wolfgang Bang's well impressed. So are our lawyers.

Egg rolls for entry

By crime editor Dick Rampant

US immigration officer nicked for taking egg roll bribe.

Why?

By fashion editor Kok Wang

Kok Wang asks: Is this the most minging shoe ever?

¡El chupacabras capturado en la cinta!

By fortean editor Raven Akki

Or chupacabra caught on tape if you don't speak Spanish.

Hairs

By poetry editor Godfrey Hardcore

Aren't they great? Godfrey Hardcore thinks so.

Death by sexy

By fashion editor Kok Wang

Internationally acclaimed fashion guru Kok Wang casts his critical eye over another nonsensical T-shirt.

Radical Shoes

By poetry editor Godfrey Hardcore

Bloody hell. It's another Godfrey Hardcore poem. And this time it's about shoes!

Man sees plane

Newswire/FDC, Paris

Aerial phenomenon leaves Frenchman stunned.

Cupid

By poetry editor Godfrey Hardcore

What true poet could ignore the theme of love? Not Godfrey Hardcore, that's for sure.

Chupacabra strikes in Russia

By some bloke at Cor Blimey!

Locals in a remote part of Russia are living in fear for their lives after a blood-sucking cryptozoological entity slaughtered a load of rabbits.

Cities beneath the sea

By fortean editor Raven Akki

Could the sunken Egyptian city of Heracleion hold a clue for the existence of Atlantis? You be the jury!

Fish and Chips, a paean with peas

By poetry editor Godfrey Hardcore

Godfrey's been at the chips again...

Maggie Thatcher snuffs it

By society editor Wolfgang Bang

Wolfgang Bang pays tribute to Britain's leading alternative lifestyle guru who died today aged 87.

Kevin Eldon

By TV critic Art Brut

TV critic Art Brut is so pleased Kevin Eldon has been given his own sketch show he's taken a screw hostage.

Fantasy football fact

By religious affairs/football editor Reverend Marcus Trepanning

This week it's David Icke versus Pope John Paul II.

Cornish Is...

By editorial assistant Sandi Toxic

Coming from Cornwall, I know what it's like to be Cornish. But if you don't, watch this. It's flippin' ace!

Quiz rigged in shitpump shocker

Newswire/FDC, Paris


TV bosses in Ireland have strongly denied that any of their quiz shows are rigged. Man's glans still missing.

UFOs, asteroids and earth lights

By fortean editor Raven Akki

Has anyone noticed all the mad stuff in the skies lately? Fortean editor Raven Akki has.

Edie Sedgwick

By fashion editor Kok Wang

Fashion editor Kok Wang pays tribute to Warhol superstar Edie Sedgwick.

Where does news come from, mummy?

By staff writer Stafford Wrighter

Imagine some sentences each lifted verbatim from a different randomly selected press release. Well, imagine no more. It's news, Jim, but not as we know it.

LED news solutions latest

By staff writer Stafford Wrighter

Staff writer Stafford Wrighter throws light on the murky world of LEDs.

Freak echo caught on camera

Newswire/FDC, Paris

Irish camera crew captures "weird" echo. Scientists baffled.

Wang! Bang! Thank you, ma'am!

By editorial assistant Sandi Toxic

Kok Wang controversy latest: Minister calls him a "c--t" while protests mount in Spain.

Humanzee goes ape shit in shop

Newswire/FDC, Paris

Human-chimp hybrid goes well radge in high street retail outlet. Shoes ruined. Spanner involved.

Chris Eubank invents trousers

By fashion editor Kok Wang

Ex-boxing champ Chris Eubank has invented a new type of trouser. Kok Wang's well impressed.

Gunman runs amok in kitchen

Newswire/FDC, Paris

Dramatic footage has emerged of the moment a gunman with a gun went berserk with a gun in an unnamed kitchen in Ireland. With a gun.

Alien scouts for pies in China

By fortean editor Raven Akki

Do aliens exist? Have they landed in China? And are they on the hunt for some decent pies? You be the jury!

Boxes

By poetry editor Godfrey Hardcore

Aren't boxes ace? Avant-garde poet Godfrey Hardcore thinks so.

The Hollow Earth revisited

By fortean editor Raven Akki

It's kinda spherical and got a hard crust but could the Earth actually be as hollow as Ollie Reed's legs with openings at both the North and South Poles?

Shapeshifter spotted in shop

Newswire/FDC, Paris

Extraterrestrials walk among us: irrefutable proof found in supermarket.

Anne

By limericks editor Mr Slarnder of Dorset

The course of true love never did run smooth, as contemporary bard Mr Slarnder of Dorset recently discovered.

No way! Daisy Duke's into caravans

By caravan expert Daryl Terr'd

Daisy Duke can't get enough of caravans, which is why she's heading to Brum.

Cops cuffed for cheese smuggling

By crime editor Dick Rampant

Two cozzers in Canada have been nicked for their part in a cross-border cheese smuggling ring estimated to have netted wonga worth one hundred large.

Mummies from space?

By fortean editor Raven Akki

Is a well freaky mummy in the Cairo Museum proof of ancient astronauts or simply someone's proficiency in using Photoshop? You be the jury!

Black pudding chucker charged

By crime editor Dick Rampant

A 47-year-old man has appeared in a Scottish court charged with aggressively throwing a black pudding.

Exorcists surge in Poland

By exorcist expert Daryl Terr'd

The past two decades have witnessed a surge in the number of exorcists and exorcisms in Poland. Daryl Terr'd reports.

Suits

By poetry editor Godfrey Hardcore

Inspired by a recent trip to London, poetry editor Godfrey Hardcore has finally gotten off his arse and written something. Mind you, it's not very good.

Spy camera snaps teleporter

By fortean editor Raven Akki

Has CCTV in China captured the moment a teleporting Good Samaritan saved the life of a bloke crossing the road? You be the jury!

Firework up arse update

By crime editor Dick Rampant

That antipodean chap who stuck a firework up his bumhole has been let off a fine of nearly 200 nicker, local media report.

Shampoo? Shove it up yer jinker!

By deputy chief hack Charles L'Amour

Why spunk quids on poncey hair care products when you can burn some paper instead?

Bang's bastard beards

By society editor Wolfgang Bang

Thanks to acid jazz, nu metal and the constant dumbing down of society, ridiculous facial hair is sprouting out all over the place.

Fashion needs dictionaries

By fashion editor Kok Wang

Hong Kong's where it's at if you want to see some proper fashion statements. They just might not make that much sense.

A pony to win

By racing editor Pesco Greko

Watch their heads and follow your gut, says racing editor Pesco Greko.

Angry Birds get my goat

By fashion editor Kok Wang

Annoying trends are nothing new but these Angry Birds are getting on Kok Wang's tits.

Racing's resilience

By racing editor Pesco Greko

The sport of kings has so far remained largely immune to the onslaught of commercialisation even if you can buy Frankie Dettori's frozen pizzas in Tesco's.

Stupid hairy banana bollocks

By fashion editor Kok Wang

Not one to mince his words, fashion guru Kok Wang shoots from the hip at the world's hip and trendy.

A skate punk's lament

By society editor Wolfgang Bang

Once the preserve of the outcast, skateboarding has increasingly become yet another fashion tool with which to prise cash from the wallets of the gullible.

Bog roll bandit banged to rights

By crime editor Dick Rampant

A man has been nicked in the Polish city of Gdańsk simply because he needed to wipe his arse.

Deller throws fastest 301

By editorial assistant Sandi Toxic

Sporting history was made in London on Tuesday when 1983 World Darts Champion Keith Deller threw a 301 in just 25 seconds.

Toxic Tush fingered by fuzz

By crime editor Dick Rampant

US cops have nicked a cross-dressing fake nurse with an unfeasibly large arse and a misspelt nickname for killing a woman by injecting her with Super Glue and cement.

Fire in the hole!

By crime editor Dick Rampant

An Aussie man may face a fine for sticking a firework up his crack.

If I owned a clothes shop...

By fashion editor Kok Wang

Fashion editor Kok Wang waxes lyrical about the German apparel retail sector.

There goes the neighbourhood

By society editor Wolfgang Bang

Not content with ripping the heart out of London's Notting Hill, millionaire luvvie Richard Curtis has now begun filming another sack full of shite in Cornwall.

Nice parking, sackface

By chief hack Ignatius Rake

An excellent website has just been brought to our attention that perfectly documents what selfish lengths of bum rope some people can be when it comes to parking their cars.

More ghastly clobber

By fashion editor Kok Wang

Kok Wang continues to catalogue crap clothes, this time in the presence of booze editor Dr Miltov Lamprey (struck off).

How press releases work

By chief hack Ignatius Rake

You can trust the news because it's independently researched, right?

F--king talking

By media & marketing editor Tabor Creative

Aren't brands ace? Especially when they try to talk to you as if they were a) a person and b) a person you could trust.

Of pigeons and pigs

By media & marketing editor Tabor Creative

The ability to send someone a bespoke greetings card you generated online is a nice idea. So why all the nob-jockey site names?

Brave new creed

By philosophy editor Lee Full-Chamber

Religions come and go but is a new one currently emerging in the name of saving the planet?

What is the Rake & Herald and can I submit stuff?