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The Adventures of Captain Red Beard

By guest editor Amber Seree

Posted November 14, 2017
The Adventures of Captain Red Beard
Seeing red: Red Beard enjoying a bevvy. © Ignatius Rake

An uncovered, unverified, undeniably true account from lost history partially translated by Amber Seree.

Chapter One: Dreaded Captain Red Beard

Some will tell Blackbeard was the most feared pirate upon the blue, but those curs never met Red Beard, the broadest broad of the broad seas.


As you scallywags know, hell hath no fury like a redhead scorned.

They say her mother was a mermaid and her father was an urchin-footed sorrel-mouthed bedswerver from dockside.

The men might not have made her Captain, but she was the only one who could read the maps after Captain von Fattenhous went and got himself maunched by lopsided hammerheads, and well, she cursed more than they did, had stuck her long-knife into a coward or two and had already commandeered the helm, so they broke open the late captain's supply of spirits and toasted to the Queen of the Pirate Wenches.

She hated the title the men gave her but it was for naught.

Let the legend stand, never before had more a noble, luscious red beard captained the helm of a pirate horde.

When a drunken fool was wit-tied enough and deep enough in his cups, thinking he was cute would question whether or not the legend was true, if she had, in fact, a red beard, being as her chin was bare.

The poor sot would be told she, indeed, had a red beard, with gold beads threaded through it, before he was turned over sideways and knocked back into his cask head stundumb, waking up the next morn like a lay in the gutter.

A one time yon in a pour house in whore alley down near Shipwreck Cove about the Free Islands, a Royal Admiral and his men happened upon some ladies in the next hole over, when two lop-faced arseholes began duelling with bedpans and hot coals, the pest-ridden walls came a' breakin' through as they tumbled their drunken sot arses into the festivities at hand.

The crew, of course, were minding our businesses like, having sour ale and warm water, listening to Bernard the Spirit-Soaked Bard wail another turn at his favourite song, The Lass With Golden Nipples, once more to the delight of the dim-witted nit gobs bouncing about like needle pricks... WHEN ALL OF A SUDDEN, a crash bam, we are under siege by the enemy!

As the dust settled, the admiral stepped through the hole in the wall just as you would expect a dandy royal fop with gold bars stuck up is his bum to do.

Being on the lookout like, the crew wasn't too happy, especially old drunken Bernard, who bashed the admiral over the head with a glass of sour ale.

What a waste.

Most assuredly should have went with the warm water.

I'm blowing the wind here, long story for the short of it, it was after being put into the brig of the King's own naval destroyer that some cluck-kneed Red Coats decided they would have their way with the Red Beard.

It was within that very brig of that very naval destroyer, soon to be re-appropriated and re-christened the Red Sky Morning, the men discovered they had, in fact, chosen the right captain, and the right name for her.

Let us just say that she single-handedly strangled the forked-sworded officers with her dreads, and I don't mean the ones on her head!

And the crew got a better ship.

Stay tuned for more True History: Adventures of Captain Red Beard, the Wenchiest Wench of Urchin-Footed Water Walkers.

Cheers, Amber. And sticking with the nautical theme, here's the Pistols.

See also Death Pepper Tequila Tonic, posted 13/10/17.

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Amber Seree is a US-based artist and writer whose website you are strongly advised to check out here. You can also follow Amber and her work via Twitter, FaceBook, Instagram and DeviantArt here, here, here and here, respectively.

Engage with the Rake & Herald on FaceBook here and Twitter here. Better still, buy a T-shirt here.

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