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School's back forever

By chief hack Ignatius Rake

Posted September 14, 2012
drunk asleep in road
Seshed out: We can't remember what we did this summer. (Check bottom for credit)

After a month-long drinking holiday that saw us wantonly neglecting our duties, the Rake & Herald has now officially gone back to work. Just in time for the weekend.

For the past month you may have noticed that we weren't really doing much posting-wise other than keeping you, our beloved, cherished readers up to date with some of the latest goings on in the world of competitive eating, the greatest sport on Earth.

We weren't even updating the Rake-O-Matic Newsfeed-U-Like on a daily/almost kinda daily basis.

So had we abandoned our mission to provide the world with its only source of truly honest churnalism?

Had we suddenly decided to ditch all our other beats to focus solely on alimentary athleticism and digestional derring-do?

Were we caught in the midst of some horrendous Wappingesque industrial action?

Had fashion editor Kok Wang shot more of his colleagues following another argument over whether Matt 'Megatoad' Stonie would one day take Joey 'Jaws' Chestnut's crown or not?

Or had we all simply been abducted by giant hairy clams from the planet Traxoot 5?

I'm glad to say that with the exception of one possible alien abduction (film editor Gert Stonkers, who was last seen mooning his arse at a flying saucer), the answer to each of the above questions is a resounding "No!".

Instead, the reason for our relative silence over the summer was quite simple.

Our eternal editor AC89 gave us all a month off.


'Cos he's a bloody nice chap, that's why.

Of course, while the rest of us were off on our jollies, someone had to stay behind to hold the fort.

Which is why we made editorial assistant Sandi Toxic move into the office, where she slept on a punctured lilo when not beating off bailiffs or keeping our cutting-edge competitive eating coverage up to speed.

I know she'd been planning a holiday of her own for a while but I'm sure she didn't really mind cancelling that Caribbean cruise she'd won on the bingo.

She's a brick.

And the most junior member of staff.

Anyway, with the northern hemisphere's autumnal equinox fast approaching in eight days' time (22/9/12), we've now dusted off the desktops, emptied the ashtrays and refilled the fridge with Special Brew.

That's right, it's back to work with a vengeance here at Rake & Herald Towers.

Not only have we a whole host of special reports, reviews, interviews, films, profiles and regurgitated press releases lined up for you until the very end of the world on December 21, but we've also recruited a number of new writers, including fortean editor Raven Akki, not to mention some MBA-head marketing manager called Randy Gutstick III, whose impenetrable business speak has already got on everybody's tits and marked him out to be a right bell end of the first order.

So if you're in one the various bands still waiting for your review to appear, don't worry.

We haven't forgotten you.

We've just been on the piss for the past four weeks.

Celebrity reader and eater: Sonya Thomas. © Ignatius Rake

In terms of readership, we're very proud to report that not only is the word of the Rake & Herald rapidly spreading across the globe, but one of our readers is none other than our own favourite gurgitator Sonya 'the Black Widow' Thomas, who this particular hack had the great pleasure of meeting this past Saturday at the World Oyster Eating Championship in Hillsborough, Northern Ireland.

Sonya's ace.

Expect a short film of her Ulster oyster eating escapades soon.

Once I've roped in a narrator who doesn't slur into his shoulder.

Meanwhile, as well as Kok Wang finally picking a winner for that hat we were giving away (details to follow soon), I can also inform you that one of our regular writers has been confirmed by a big industry body as this year's recipient of a major media award for their "world-class" journalism.

So stay tuned to hear more shortly.

We'll no doubt milk it big time.

A bit of a website rejig is probably also on the cards, although further details at present, as they/we say, remain scant.

Anyway, don't just take my word for it.

Bookmark the Rake & Herald today if you haven't already and then keep coming back to check out how it all unfurls as the mysteries of the multiverse are relentlessly unravelled by our unrivalled rabble of unwashed hacks.

If nothing else, you should find something you can talk about down the pub or at least read when you should be working.

Just don't expect the sort of insipid crud you'd normally be palmed off with by the mediocre mainstream media.

As Gutstick told us in his first "blue-sky imagineermeeting" today: "The Earth shall quake in the wake of the Rake & Herald."

Once we've "fully leveraged our value proposition runway" and brought "vertical to our product basket going forward" that is.

The pompous tosser.

No idea why I hired him.

Oh, yeah.

I was drunk.

Picture credit

Top and thumb: A pisshead relaxing by Diego Grez.

For licensing information click the above link.

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