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RIP Gitmouse

By executive editor Wolfgang Bang

Posted February 11, 2016
Gitmouse the fact-checking hamster
Gitmouse: Seen here filing an FOI request. © Wolfgang Bang

The R&H pays homage to a much-loved friend and colleague.

Gitmouse, the Rake & Herald's senior fact checker, has passed away peacefully after a short illness.

His incessant scurrying, angry squeals and ferocious temperament made him a popular staff member during editorial meetings, where inevitably he would end up drinking more cans of Sullington than the baffled hacks could handle themselves.

Ending up looking like, in the words of editorial assistant Sandi Toxic, "a hairy, distended bag of piss with a pair of angry purple knackers hanging off the back of it", Gitmouse will be greatly missed by all.

Gitmouse drinking Sullington
Sullington! Gitmouse at a recent editorial meeting. © Wolfgang Bang

Gitmouse was a rare breed of weaponised hamster known as a Peenemünde weisse flug abwehr maus.

Developed in the Second World War by German scientists at the Peenemünde rocket facility during breaks from inventing UFOs, they were designed to be a living deterrent to high-altitude bombing.

Racks of these 'Flak Hamsters' would be released during Allied bombing raids, where they would soar to 30,000 feet (9,100 m) in under a minute and chew through the control surfaces and electronics of British and American bombers.

The hamsters' propulsion system was alcohol based and caused the breed itself to be volatile in temperament.

After the SS took control of the Peenemünde facilities, only specially suited and trained personnel could clean out their cages.

Any mistakes could result in the hapless technician being nibbled to death within seconds.

Other variants included a man portable anti-tank version and an area bombardment system mounted on a halftrack.

As Gitmouse often said: "Mneeep, meep mneeeeeep."

A British Army bomb disposal unit is currently placing a cordon around his body prior to safe detonation via a shaped charge.

St Dennis residents are being asked to keep at a safe distance while the operation is being carried out.

A mile and a half should be about right.

RIP Gitmouse, 2014 to 2016.

Chief hack's note: The sad loss of Gitmouse leaves not only a hole in the whole heart of the Rake & Herald, but also a glaring hole in the Editorial Board.

However, as we can't afford to take on a replacement right now, he has thus been appointed to the new post of Eternal Senior Fact Checker. RIP Gitmouse. Keep up the good work, sir! There's no escaping the

See also The time I saw... the Cramps, posted 4/2/16, among others.

Wolfgang Bang
is a former skate punk who dropped the skateboard but remains reliably enraged by various aspects of modern culture. His oaths and verbal abuse still echo around the fashionable Portobello Road area of West London. His hobbies include long-range outdoor drinking, cooking and modern history. He spends much of his time in a hedge with an air rifle, waiting for the rabbits of mass media to pop out of their burrows and graze upon the sweet grass of empty promises.

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