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Poznan, Poland's UFO capital?

By intergalactic hack Ignatius Rake
Poznan, Poland

Posted July 10, 2013
poznan, polish ufo capital
Up there somewhere: That Rake bloke points to where he saw some UFOs. © Cor Blimey!

If you want to see UFOs, make sure you visit Lake Malta in Poznań. Just watch out for all the bloody cyclists.

There are plenty of places around the world that are or have been hot spots for UFO activity.

Warminster in England, Mt Shasta in California, Gulf Breeze in Florida and, well, pretty much the whole of Puerto Rico and Mexico, really, to name but a few.

Based on personal experience, another location this particular hack proposes adding to the list is Poznań in Poland and more specifically Lake Malta.

A slave-dug lake started by Hitler and finished by Stalin, Lake Malta these days is a well-developed recreational zone a few trams stops to the east of the Stary Rynek, the city's beautifully pub-tastic old market square.

A centre for international rowing competitions and the annual Malta Festival, Lake Malta, or Malta as most locals simply call it, is ringed by bars punting out plastics skiffs of cheap, strong lager to both young and old alike, providing, of course, they can somehow dodge the squadrons of psychotic cyclists who tear it round the lake as fast as they can without the slightest regard for anyone or anything whatsoever.

The total f--king caitiffs.

However, not every visitor to Malta arrives by foot or by wheel.

Indeed, it is arguable whether some even hail from the Earth itself.

the search fro alien artefacts, poznan, poland
Maybe they dropped a quid: The search for alien artefacts. © Cor Blimey!

My first brush with Malta's flying forteana occurred one sunny day back in the summer of 2004.

Or maybe 2005.

Either way, my then better half and I were casually strolling east along the northern shore of the lake.

We had just passed the Wyborowa distillery, home to undoubtedly the finest vodka in the world, when my gaze was drawn upwards, alerted by movement in my peripheral vision.

At this point, I distinctly recall thinking: "Is that a bird or is it a plane?"

The answer to both was no.

And neither was it Superman.

Instead, heading southwest at a constant speed and height just below the few clouds dotting the sky was a dark grey cylindrical object: a classic 'cigar-shaped' UFO.

Yet rather than travelling like a javelin, it was flying 'sideways' on in a manner that set it apart from the Graf Zeppelin or the R101.

"What the f--k's that?" I asked my better half.

"F--k knows, but it's not a bird, a plane or even Superman," I believe she replied.

In Polish.

Neither was it the planet Venus, a temperature inversion nor anything to do with sleep paralysis.

It appeared solid (I guessed metallic, although it wasn't shiny) and was moving against the light wind, which pretty much ruled it out as being either an errant balloon or a hydrogen-filled sex doll, a common sight in some parts, I hear.

To make sure that it wasn't just the two of us who clocked this mysterious object, I made a point of pointing my best pointing finger at it so as to draw other people's attention to its presence.

This clearly worked as, judging from the sounds of bicycles crashing, a number of other people stopped to look, ponder and get run over.

But what was it?

Was it an alien spacecraft?

An interdimensional time machine?

Some kind of military drone or other bit of high-tech kit from the bowels of Area 51?

Who knows?

Whatever it was, it was an object; it was flying; it was unidentified (by us at least); and it was bloody weird.

Weirder still, while my better half and I watched it nonchalantly glide across the sky at a speed akin to that of a slow-moving light aircraft (it was at least three or four times as large as a Cessna 162) for what must have been a good couple of minutes or so, neither of us to this day has any recollection of how, when or where it disappeared.

All I can recall is suddenly being much further down the lake, near the Taj India restaurant, quizzing my better half on what it was we had just seen.

At this point, I need to stress that neither of us had drunk even a whole 0.5 litre skiff of beer.

Neither had we consumed any mind-altering substances and neither did my Chalfonts attest to the rigours of an anal probe.

According to various ufological sources that may or may not be worth their salt, cigar-shaped UFOs, if you accept the extraterrestrial hypothesis (ETH), are traditionally associated with motherships 'manned' by 'negative' reptilians that, to put it mildly, don't much care for the welfare of humans regardless of whether they've got bum grapes or not.

Exactly who piloted all the strange lights I subsequently saw over Malta on at least five other occasions, though, is anyone's guess.

Sometimes I saw them alone and sometimes I saw them with fellow witnesses.

One such example occurred in 2007 while wandering around the lake in the company of a certain Rake & Herald contributor whose name I don't feel at liberty to divulge.

This time it was an essentially clear summer's night with just a smattering of high cloud covering about 10% of the sky.

Admittedly, we had sunk a few scoops but as hardened expat drinkers we were in no way pissed when we noticed that a number of 'stars' were moving.

Now, I am well aware that if you stare at a single bright object against a dark background for long enough it will appear to 'dance' as a result of something called autokinesis.

However, this was not what was happening to either of us as we sat there for at least half an hour, watching initially two then a further four or five magnitude two-to-three star-like things zip around the sky in erratic zig-zag motions as though they were literally playing tig with each other.

Of course, they could have been insects somehow reflecting the moonlight.

In which case, they must have been bloody high-flying bugs given that they would sometimes dart behind, viz above, the clouds.

Furthermore, to have been visible from the ground at such an altitude, they would also have had to have been sodding humungous: moths the size of 747s, whose larvae could devour your long johns with a single bite.

And no, they weren't Chinese lanterns or satellites as such man-made objects tend not to pull 90° turns and the like before doubling back on themselves; nor do they suddenly accelerate or decelerate on a whim.

But Malta's a lake so it must have been swamp gas.

Either that or we'd both just experienced temporal lobe epilepsy at exactly the same time.

Yeah, right.

Shove your razor up you jinker, Mr Occam.

It's blunter than a sanded-down watermelon.

beer always helps
Trauma: The memories prove too much. © Cor Blimey!

But my sightings of weird stuff in the sky, to use the technical term, were not solely limited to the shores of the lake itself.

While sitting in a nearby flat bashing out some radio scripts with Rake & Herald deputy chief hack Charles L'Amour one day, I glimpsed out the window to see a massive ball of bright white light (think burning magnesium) shoot across the sky like shit off a shovel.

My initial thought was that it might have been the International Space Station (ISS), but when I checked its coordinates online later that same day it turned out the ISS had been nowhere near Poland, let alone Malta.

So maybe it was a meteorite or a piece of space junk burning up?

I'm certainly not ruling out such possibilities.

Likewise, I'm not saying that it was or wasn't some kind of intelligently controlled craft from this planet, another planet or even a completely different dimension altogether.

All I can state for sure is that L'Amour was absolutely fascinated by what I'd just witnessed and immediately embarked upon one of the most thorough and extensive UFO investigations in the history of modern journalism.

"Did you see that?" I all but screamed.

"No. What?" he replied, looking up from his laptop.

"I just saw a massive ball of bright white light (think burning magnesium) shoot across the sky like shit off a shovel!"

"Really? Probably nothing."

Probably nothing?

The possible advance guard of a surface invasion by the denizens of the inner Earth or the first of a fleet of intergalactic rescue ships sent to save us from our planet's imminent destruction at the metaphorical hands of flying snakes from Perineum 5 and he says it's probably nothing?

Hacks, eh?

Still, at least he didn't trot out that old mindless knee-jerker 'there's probably a rational explanation for it'.

Yeah, 'cos it's completely irrational to think that there could ever be a technology superior to ours somewhere in the vastness of the Great Unknown, isn't it?

After all, now that we've mapped every square inch of the Multiverse, there are simply no more mysteries left.

Except, of course, why people still cycle round Malta like a bunch of hare-brained pricks on crack.

Honestly, aliens, give the cows a rest and start exsanguinating some of those f--kers instead.

Just don't you dare touch a hair on the heads of the local bar staff or I'll set the bloody sceptics on you, you useless shower of things that can't possibly exist.

You can also read this and many more buttock-kicking articles over on Cor Blimey!, from where we stole that rather natty T-shirt. The knotted hanky we made ourselves. Fifty quid and it's yours. Snot crusts and all.

See also UFOs, asteroids and earth lights, posted 14/3/13.

Chief hack's note:
Despite what some people erroneously think, the term 'UFO' is not synonymous with extraterrestrial spacecraft. Rather, as their unabbreviated name (viz unidentified flying objects) implies, UFOs are simply flying objects that have not been identified. While they may well be 'nuts and bolts' spaceships from another planet, this is certainly not the only possible explanation.

Excluding misidentifications of mundane objects and phenomena (generally said to account for 95% of all such sightings), they could also, among other things and according to various theories, be interdimensional craft; time machines; flügelrads from the inner Earth; secret and/or advanced military vehicles or weapons (possibly of Nazi design and construction); earthlights preceding an earthquake; spirit lights; angels; demons; or possibly even supercharged ionic onions from the planet Brandybollocks.

Either way, for someone to say they don't believe in UFOs is ridiculous as that implies they do not accept that a flying object could ever be anything other than identified. They might as well say that they don't believe a train could ever be late. In the above article, I am not making any claims as to what the objects I saw were. I am merely reporting that I saw them. F--k knows what they were but I'd be happy to see them again, especially if they finally did something about all those sodding antisocial cyclists. Seriously, they're a real scourge and a real danger. Malta would be a much better place without them. So come on, ufonauts, pull your finger out and start probing them so hard they can't sit on their saddles.

Anyway, if you're open to the possibility of the ETH but don't know too much about the subject, you might want to watch the following video embedded from UFOTV®'s
YouTube channel. Of course, it could all be cobblers but it's certainly something to think about the next time you're down the pub. After all, who's to say that bloke playing the fruit machine isn't an alien in disguise? Just don't confront him on the issue because ETs are known to get defensive when cornered and he might ram a cosmic pint glass in your face. Or repeatedly beam you up in the toilets.

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