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Pictures of Poz

By roving hack Ignatius Rake

Posted April 27, 2015
Poznan stary rynek
Poz central: The Old Market, or Stary Rynek. © Ignatius Rake

That Rake blokes goes for a walk round Poznan, a Polish city with its very own fart club.

Located roughly halfway between Warsaw and Berlin, the Polish city of Poznań, or Poz to the cognoscenti, is a wonderful place.

However, despite what regular readers of the Rake & Herald might think, Poz isn't just Poland's UFO capital.

Oh no siree, Bob, for as well as boasting the truly charming Stary Rynek (Old Market), it's also got a lovely river, the Warta, which you can piss in if you want.

the river warta in Poznan, Poland
A river runs through it: A piss in the Warta from Park Szelągowski. © Ignatius Rake

Admittedly, that chap might actually be fishing but either way he's certainly doing something with his tackle in public.

But if rivers aren't your thing, why not have a nice sit down on one of these fantastic benches, carefully positioned in Park Szelągowski so you never have to look at a watercourse once?

benches in Park Szelągowski, Poznan, Poland
Pull up a pew: And watch the footpath flow by. Because you would, wouldn't you? © Ignatius Rake


Speed freak, are you?

Well, worry not because there are plenty of pretty hot wheels out there to stoke the fires of any revved-up petrolhead, such as this Polski Fiat 126p, or Maluch, with a well snazzy skip on its roof.

Polski Fiat 126p with a skip in Poznan, Poland
Sod your Lamborghinis: Nothing outruns a Maluch with a skip on its roof rack. © Ignatius Rake

Sadly, these classic commie cars are no longer such a common sight in Poz as they once were, replaced instead by faceless beasts devoid of any character, cultural or social significance or even anywhere to stash a load of building rubble.

Yet allay your fears, transport trackers, for this is a city with its very own pizza taxi service.

So shove that up you London black cab, Kok 'Bloody' Wang.

pizza taxi, Poznan, Poland
Where to, guv? The airport. And a Margherita with extra cheese, please. © Ignatius Rake

As well as cars and taxis full of pizzas and the like, the streets of Poz are also brimming with art.

In fact, the city's even got a genuine Invader to its name, although where exactly it is is anybody's guess.

Ulica Przybyszewskiego, probably.

invader street art, Poznan, Poland
Street art from space: Well, France, anyway. © Ignatius Rake

And from art to smart.

For years, you couldn't find beef, let alone a decent burger, in Poz for love nor money.

Now, though, they're knocking them out everywhere, such as from this trendy American-style 'food truck' on ulica 23 Lutego.

Smart Bastard burger van, Poznan, Poland
Smell my burger, you mother! The American food-truck trend hits Poz. © Ignatius Rake

But hang on.

That sign on the fence claims in Polish that Smart Bastard burgers are "100% beef" and made to an "original recipe".

But if they're 100% beef, then that hardly qualifies as an "original recipe", now does it?

I mean, a chunk of, well, beef is 100% beef and that's hardly "original".

What's more, if those burgers contain just one bread crumb or a single granule of salt or pepper or indeed anything else that comprises 'a recipe', then they can't be "100% beef", can they?

So who's the smart bastard now, eh?

Well, anyone who buys their clothes from this local boutique, obviously.

Yep, Poz has got your fashion needs sorted whatever your bag.

Your Fashion clothes shop, Poznan, Poland
I'm kind of a Trojan skin with elements of 80s yuppie: Yeah, we can do that. © Ignatius Rake

But who gives a toss about fashion when Poz is quite literally awash with thousands of pubs that punt out cheap booze all round the clock?

This one, mind you, is purely academic.

Academic Pub, Poznan, Poland
Reading for the bar: Central Poz is full of pubs, including several 24-hour jobbies. © Ignatius Rake

Undoubtedly, one of the best bars in town, though, is Ministerstwo Browaru (the Ministry of Brewing) on ulica Ratajczaka, with it's ever-changing chalkboard...

Ministerstwo Browaru chalkboard, Poznan, Poland
Pacific Pale Ale? That'll do nicely, thank you. © Ignatius Rake

...and dazzling array of top-notch beers from Poland and beyond, all served in healthy measures by friendly staff who know their ale.

beer in Ministerstwo Browaru, Poznan, Poland
Two pints of large, please: It's alright, I'll get a pizza cab home. © Ignatius Rake

Yep, Poz has got pretty much everything you could ever want in life.

What's that you say?

A 24-hour fart club?

Coming right up...

Fart Klub, Poznan, Poland
Beefy eggo à gogo: My word, that duck's got bad breath. © Ignatius Rake

Just remember, though, the first rule of Fart Klub is...

You do not follow through.

Or spark up a fag for that matter.

See also Poznan, Poland's UFO capital?, posted 10/7/13.

Ignatius Rake
is a freelance journalist, geographer and world traveller who has visited more than 70 countries on six continents. In 2013, he represented the UK at the Fourth Annual Smoke's Poutinerie World Poutine Eating Championship in Toronto, coming an abysmal last and getting his arse royally whipped by Rake & Herald reader and Major League Eating speedscarfing supremo Joey 'Jaws' Chestnut. He has been known to like a pint.

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