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Newswire/FDC, Paris

Posted January 15, 2013
The Rake retuns following questions in house of commons
Questions in the House: The Commons yesterday before the fire of 1834. (Check bottom for credits)

High Court Judge demands Rake & Herald returns from holiday after questions raised in House of Commons.

SCREDDA, Jan 15 (FDC) – A High Court Judge has ordered the International Rake & Herald to immediately return to active interwebular activity after an absence of more than two months in which the world ended and we all died.

It is understood from unreliable sources that while on an A-level politics trip to the Houses of London in Parliament, Westminster, Lonsdale Armback of Ripped Sheath, Greater Manchester asked fellow student Suzie High Court Judge of no fixed abode whether she knew if the Rake & Herald was "back online yet" or whether it was "still dicking around with its fingers up its arse?"1.

"Didn't they say on their Titface page that they would start posting shit up on the interweb again about now?" he continued, ignoring the words of both his A-level politics teacher and some tour guide bloke in a hat or something.

"Yes," High Court Judge is alleged to have replied.

cats rock!
As promised: A picture of a cat. © Ignatius Rake

"And they promised to stick up a picture of a cat when they finally returned to doing stuff other than wanking over biscuits," it is claimed High Court Judge added while illegally slouching on some green leather seat things.

Benches they're called.

Even though they're more like very long settees.

"Makes you sick, dunnit?" the said sources said Armback said back to her.

"Too right," High Court Judge is believed to have jabbered on.

"And as still the world's only website, you'd've thought they'd've got their bloody act together by now."

"In fact, I demand/order that the International Rake & Herald, the world's leading source of honest churnalism and unsubstantiated rumour, returns to active interwebular activity right this minute," she demanded/ordered before being shushed by two girlie swots in flares or whatever it is young people take the piss out of these days.

Cheap trainers probably.

Or the ability to add up and spell, the dumbed-down morons.

I remember when exams meant something.


Despite being set upon by dogs, High Court Judge, who later set her hair alight with a gasmask, has so far refused to comment on the matter, pointing to a broken jaw with all wires and things sticking out of it.

Armback has been bludgeoned.

Speaking at a hastily convened press conference in a knackered Datsun Cherry with a f--ked rear axle, Rake & Herald chief hack Ignatius Rake stated: "I wish to convey my sincerest apologies to all our beloved readers around the globe and elsewhere for having had to suspend our award-worthy newsification/scaremongering service for so long."

"However, I can assure readers that our absence – an enforced holiday in Skegness, where we froze our tits off while staring mournfully out to sea as Leonard Cohen did Joy Division covers in our heads – was due to a litany of tedious/not-so-tedious factors completely beyond our control."

"Then when we got back, we ate some meat out of a bin and promptly caught that winter shitting virus."

"The whole office was ankle deep and then that bloke downstairs got Environmental Services onto us 'cos he reckoned it was leaking into his restaurant."

"I wouldn't have minded but it was his bin we rifled in the first place so if anyone's to blame it's him."

"Anyway, editorial assistant Sandi Toxic tried buying them off with a hairy cheque or two but to be fair she's pretty ropey now she's pulled the rip cord so they were having none of it."

"They said if we didn't clean up all that bum treacle pretty sharpish, we'd have to vacate the premises."

"We move into new offices next week."

hot wheels! rake's datsun cherry and ac89's vauxhall chevette
Cool as f--k: Rake's Cherry (top) and AC's Chevette. (Check bottom for credits)

"Thing is, we'll probably have to wait a bit before we get a new interweb provider," explained Rake & Herald eternal editor AC89 via the CB radio in his Vauxhall Chevette, adding "4-10, Silverfish, I really need another 10-200".

"As a result, even though we have now officially returned to active interwebular activity, the chances are we might go silent again next week for a bit."

"We have no idea how long it'll take to get the interweb installed so if you've submitted any material to us, whether in the form of a written piece, a video or answers to a set of interview questions we sent you, please be patient as we will run your stuff as soon as possible."

"Just don't hold your breath because we've still got a massive backlog to get through from last year, including loads of news that's already well out of date."

"In the meantime, if you can't bear the anticipation, why not stare at that picture of a cat for a few hours each day to lower your stress levels?"

"Or, better still, you can right click on the adjacent Hot Wheels poster and then treat yourself to a brand new wallpaper."

"I recommend tiling it across your entire desktop so you can't see any of your icons."

"Just me and Rakey's cars."

"Over and over again."

"By the way, if you really want to jump the queue and get your material posted up before anybody else's, why not bribe us with a shed load of wedge (all major credit cards accepted)?" Rake interjected.

"Five hundred quid, dollars or euros will probably be enough to get it bumped to the top of the pile but to be honest it'd be best to send us a few grand."

"Just to be on the safe side, like."

"Otherwise, once we've posted this story up, we're going to lead with the latest article by competitive eating editor Naader 'Freak8r' Reda and then follow it with whatever copy we can find that'd already been written and edited before we came down with the squatts."

"I think there's one about pasties in Chile and another about the Hollow Earth but I can't be too sure right now because I'm back on the bottle big time and I can't even remember what day it is."

"Or we might just get Sandi to churn out some press releases for us."

"Whatever's easier really."

MBA-head marketing manager Randy Gutstick III then spouted off about "leveraging our product basket going forward" or something, prompting Rake & Herald fashion editor, London cabbie, self-appointed competitive eating pundit and Rake's designated chauffeur and getaway driver2 Kok Wang to stab him in the thigh with a Biro before weeing on him and locking him in the boot.

Or 'trunk' if you're an American.

Either way, Gutstick's still a

Reporting: Benoît Branleur. Editing: Emmanuelle Couilles.

© 2013 L'Agence Presse Fontaine des Conneries (FDC) under exclusive licence to the Rake & Herald. No part of this report may partake in reproduction without partner's written consent.


1) We have been assured by a monkey in a diving suit that both Armback and High Court Judge are 18 years old, the minimum age deemed suitable for reading the Rake & Herald.

2) The Rake & Herald strongly disapproves of drink driving. Besides, Rake can't actually drive and is therefore dependent on Wang to run him down to the offie every morning.

Picture credit

Top and thumb: Illustration by Ignatius Rake using an original image of the House of Commons in 1808 by Thomas Rowlandson and Augustus Charles Pugin after John Bluck, Joseph Constantine Stadler, Thomas Sutherland, J Hill and Harraden. Or something.

Middle: © Ignatius Rake.

Bottom: Illustration by Ignatius Rake using original images of a Datsun Cherry by Charles01 and a Vauxhall Chevette also by Charles01.

For licensing information click the above links.

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