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Hangover causes market panic

By editorial assistant Sandi Toxic

Posted June 21, 2012
Panic on the stalls of Chow Kit: Markets quaked following rumours of trolls and wolves. © Ignatius Rake

World markets were thrown into chaos yesterday when the Rake & Herald, the primary font of all knowledge, suddenly fell silent.

"It was a nightmare – people were running around screaming like it was the end of the world," reports Seth Tregunna, who "helps out" selling Bill Stunt jeans on his mate's stall down Par Market World in Cornwall.

"Mind you, it's like that most days round here, but yesterday was particularly bad."

"I was terrified," adds Olaf Palmoff, a stall holder shifting hats at the world's most northerly car boot sale near Tromsø in Norway.

"They hadn't posted anything for a bit, so I thought the trolls had got them."

"I ditto everything he says," dittos Reggie 'the Greek' Bundy while flogging knock-off handbags on London's Bethnal Green Road Market.

"Except I thought they'd been eaten by wolves."

The reason for the silence was actually far more disturbing.

"For a whole period of 24 hours yesterday, the Rake and Herald's offices were closed following an outbreak of crushing fear, aka a monumental hangover the size of the Ritz," a statement pinned to my desk reads.

"We are still investigating the source of this outbreak, but it is believed to have come from a consignment of peanuts we were eating."

"Or maybe them kebabs."

The public has been advised to stay indoors and watch reruns of Boon.

Fear is a debilitating and recurrent condition that can strike anywhere at any time. There is no known cure. However, should a similar outbreak occur in future, do not be alarmed. Normal service will probably resume in a day or two.

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