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R&H now closed

The Rake and Herald has now closed its doors.


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How to wash clothes in China

By roving hack Ignatius Rake

Need to do some washing in China? Well, you'd better read this then.

Win a date with Kate

By eternal editor AC89

Fancy a night of passion with R&H lovely Kate Middlefinger?

Boxy but good

By Ignatius Rake, Japan

Cars in Japan, yeah?

Cherry-blossom tramps

By Ignatius Rake, Japan

Street drinking in Japan, yeah?

Steak for tea

By Ignatius Rake, Japan

Cooking steak in Japan, yeah?

Happy Easter from the R&H!


The R&H returns from its Christmas break just in time for another holiday.

Merry Christmas from the R&H!

By chief hack Ignatius Rake

The R&H has now broken up for Christmas, with a special message from the late great Lemmy.

Stones new and renewed

By editorial assistant Sandi Toxic

A new stone circle has just been unveiled at Pentillie Castle in Cornwall but it's certainly not the first megalithic structure to be built in the Duchy since Neolithic times.

Ten simple ways to overcome apathy

By life coach by Jurta Jurgonold

Staying fully motivated is easier than you think.

Clubbing in Coleraine

By chief hack Ignatius Rake

Watch and learn as all-round sportsman Marcus Keeley goes golfing with clubs in Coleraine.

Fancy somewhere hot?

By chief hack Ignatius Rake

Check out these fantastic radioactive holiday destinations.

Marcus goes to Disneyland

By chief hack Ignatius Rake

Join Marcus Keeley as he takes in the joys of France's Magic Kingdom.

Futon's World: Venezuela

By West Midlands misanthrope Vince Futon

This week Futon focuses on the tense political situation arising in Venezuela.

The Adventures of Captain Red Beard

By guest editor Amber Seree

An uncovered, unverified, undeniably true account from lost history partially translated by Amber Seree.

How to train dogs like a boss


How to tell if your dog shags rabbits


Meet our new appointment


Fifth-dimensional driving instructor appointed.

Muse wanted

Artist seeks muse.

Japan unveils first passengerless car

By science & technology editor Suzi Quantreau

New concept car set to revolutionise travel forever.

Join our cult!

Easily suggestible muppets wanted for fast-growing global cult.

The Rake returns!

By Xavier Zagarnad, M Phil

R&H upgraded to full interdimensional status, opens Rake Clag online shop. Readers urged to review its wares at first opportunity.

R&H on hiatus

By the Commission for Public Safety

R&H on temporary shutdown while we work on something big; fears of nuclear meltdown unfounded.

Wot no LOFT or Voicebox?

By chief hack Ignatius Rake

Voicebox Comedy on hiatus as LOFT in Belfast closes but at least you can now watch the second part of the Voicebox Movie.

RIP Gitmouse

By executive editor Wolfgang Bang

The R&H pays homage to a much-loved friend and colleague.

Przyjedz do Saint Austell!

Sprawozdanie Marka Dupy, 6 lat

Przyjedź do Saint Austell w Kornwalii!

Post-Christmas Shopping

By editorial assistant Sandi Toxic

Marcus Keeley hits the shops of Belfast in a frenzy of post-Christmas consumption.

Merry Christmas, one and all!

By chief hack Ignatius Rake

The R&H wishes a very Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all our readers, writers and contributors everywhere.

Bus Tips

By editorial assistant Sandi Toxic

Belfast comedian Marcus Keeley offers invaluable advice on travelling by bus.

Big Fish and Footbridge

By chief hack Ignatius Rake

Marcus Keeley appraises Belfast's Big Fish and finds it a tad lacking.

Lights in the Dark Nights

By chief hack Ignatius Rake

Local soak Marcus Keeley takes a walk round the dark streets of Belfast in what is quite possibly the best vid on the interweb.

Voicebox the movie

By editorial assistant Sandi Toxic

Feast your eyes, ears and brain on this quality vid of October's Voicebox Comedy night in Belfast.

The Wee Sitty Bit Beside the Bandstand

By chief hack Ignatius Rake

Check out this ace new vid from Belfast comedian Marcus Keeley.

Readers' Wives Rome

It's big and hard and my wife's dripping!

The R&H goes mobile!

By editorial assistant Sandi Toxic

The Rake & Herald unveils new mobile-responsive website.

Big laughs in Belfast Pt 1

By chief hack Ignatius Rake

A long weekend of comedy in Belfast kicks off with push ups at Voicebox.

Fish hammer

£20 ono.

Technical issues sorted

By chief hack Ignatius Rake

Mandrills triumphant; truncated-stories problem rectified.

Website rejig announcement

By chief hack Ignatius Rake

Due to current website maintenance some older stories temporarily truncated; situation rectified shortly.

Hotel name of the month

By roving hack Ignatius Rake

Need a room in Thessaloniki? Try up the Vergina.

Pictures of Poz

By roving hack Ignatius Rake

That Rake blokes goes for a walk round Poznan, a Polish city with its very own fart club.

Tokyo's golden turd

By roving hack Ignatius Rake

Is it a turd? Is it a flame? Fuck knows. It's something in Japan.

A dilemma of love

With agony aunt Melvyn Gunt

Got a problem? Agony aunt Melvyn Gunt is here to help.

Need a driver in Sri Lanka?

By chief hack Ignatius Rake

Then call Thilanga today!

Cat for sale

One careful owner.

Five shoes made of gristle

By L Ron Cupboard

Fifty years of the R&H!

By wendy clitoris Wendy Clitoris

The R&H is celebrating its 50th anniversary with four-packs of Sullington.

The R&H returns!

Newswire/FDC, Paris

Rake & Herald returns after six-month hiatus; world celebrates, etc.

Rake & Herald on hiatus

By chief hack Ignatius Rake

R&H temporarily suspended following the tragic deaths of fashion editor Kok Wang and editorial assistant Sandi Toxic.

Geographical arse-ups: Rome 2

By pedant with an atlas Dickrat Clockweight

More map-based madness from the Eternal City, and this time it's Ancient f--king Egypt.

Geographical arse-ups: Rome

By pedant with an atlas Dickrat Clockweight

This week's geographical arse-up comes from Rome, the capital of Italy or Germany or something.

Paris, art and ants

By local soak Marcus Keeley

Is the ghost of Salvador Dalí stalking Belfast comedian Marcus Keeley?

Belfast by bus

By editorial assistant Sandi Toxic

Daring new video captures highs and lows of driving through Belfast.

Like a turd that won't flush away

By editorial assistant Sandi Toxic

After a three-week hiatus, the world's favourite online bum rag is back and, what's more, it now stinks even worse than ever before.

The view from a train

By roving hack Ignatius Rake

Towns, fields, trees and wildlife. Oh, and a bloke wanking. You never know what you might see from the window of a train.

The dead trousers of Dusseldorf

By roving hack Ignatius Rake

That Rake bloke goes shopping in Germany but it could have been anywhere really.

Ryanair buys EasyJet

By Quentin Wentin

Airlines merge under new name WaspCock.

Tossing off in Dusseldorf

By roving hack Ignatius Rake

Men in white coats solicit spunk on German streets.

Win a Christmas tree!!!

Get into the festive spirit with our super-dupa Yuletide March give-away!

Earn $$$ from home!!!

Stay-at-home mum earns $4,000 a week. So can you!

Readers' Wives Hong Kong

Lurton Spartwell of Torrington has sent us this lovely photo of his wife getting her rat out in Hong Kong.

Big Commie Bastards Moscow 3

F--k me! This one's bloody huge! Check out these snaps of the main Moscow State University building that Tel McFarlane of Entwhistle's just emailed us. Gi-commie-normous!

Big Commie Bastards Moscow 2

Wo! Look at this big commie bastard Simon Bellend of Chard's just sent us. It's absolutely f--king massive!

Big Commie Bastards Moscow

Nigel Hawkins of Dent has sent us these lovely snaps of the Russian Ministry of Foreign Affairs building, a right big commie bastard on Moscow's Smolensky Boulevard.

Readers' Wives New York

Claude Nichons of Poole has sent us this sizzling picture of him and his missus playing hide-the-sausage in Noi Yoik's Soho.

Five ducks all called Dave

By R&H reader Karsten Abführmittelwichserschmidt

Wicked! It's another pointless list of shit! This time from German reader Karsten Abführmittelwichserschmidt.

St Valentine's Day spot the difference

With St Valentine's Day just around the corner, we're simply giving away a superduper romantic candle-lit dinner for two.

Calgary to Toronto in Under 5 minutes

By roving hack Ignatius Rake

Reckon you could travel across Canada in the time it takes to cook a Pot Noodle? Filmmaker Paul SG Boyd did. And here's the proof.


With the R&H medical team

What should you do if you get stung on the cock by a wasp?

London is…

By society editor Wolfgang Bang

Society editor Wolfgang Bang pays tribute to the Great Wen, the UK's second city after Plymouth.

London Underground

By R&H reader Tosaporn Arsbeinder

Isn't London Underground great? Especially now they've got rid of Zones 1-2 Travelcards. The thieving robdogs.

Missing pet

£400 reward.

Loud in Laos

By roving hack Ignatius Rake
Vientiane, Laos

Vientiane's temple fairs and discos bring a whole new meaning to the word loud; ear defenders advised.

Readers' Wives Argentina

Sedgemund Parcelweasel of Ottery St Mary has sent us this well sexy snap of his wife going down on all fours.

Miley Cyrus explained

With agony aunt Melvyn Gunt

Got a problem? Agony aunt Melvyn Gunt is here to help.

Five people who...

...wore shoes but didn't.

Readers' Wives Japan

Patrick Kupa of Braintree has sent us this fantastic picture of his wife sitting in the back of a taxi.

Win 50 grand now!

That's right. We've got a whole 50 grand to give away to the first person who can answer the following simple question correctly.


With agony aunt Melvyn Gunt

Got a problem? Agony aunt Melvyn Gunt is here to help.


Young scientist needs your help.

Marital strife

With agony aunt Melvyn Gunt

Got a problem? Agony aunt Melvyn Gunt is here to help.

Something to do in Peru

By editorial assistant Sandi Toxic

In Peru? Why not have a geek at this well freaky place.

Looking for Mr Right

Shapely brunette mid-30s seeks meaningful LTR with successful older gentleman 45-55.

Poznan, Poland's UFO capital?

By intergalactic hack Ignatius Rake
Poznan, Poland

If you want to see UFOs, make sure you visit Lake Malta in Poznań. Just watch out for all the bloody cyclists.

Guinness, brekkie and basketball

By roving hack Ignatius Rake
Dublin Airport, Ireland

Dublin Airport has everything. Including improbable games of basketball.

What's wrong with Winnipeg?

By editorial assistant Sandi Toxic

We've never been to Winnipeg, but we get the feeling not everybody likes it.

Fancy a trip to the Falklands?

By roving hack Ignatius Rake

Nestling in the South Atlantic just 500 km or so from Tierra del Fuego, the Falklands are ideal for a stag do or honeymoon. Particularly if you like penguins.

UK tops most dangerous list

By roving hack Ignatius Rake

The UK has beaten off Russia and Albania to be named Europe's most dangerous country to visit. Mind you, the same poll says it's also the seventh safest.

Time gain Milan

By roving hack Ignatius Rake
Milan, Italy

According to Quentin Robert DeNameland, "Time is of affliction." In Milan, it's just screwed up, as this time traveller can attest.

Pingu, where were you?

By roving hack Ignatius Rake
Grasse, France

Films aren't always to be believed, as this particular hack discovered on a trip to Grasse.

Don't panic!

By roving hack Ignatius Rake
Ljubljana, Slovenia

As any galactic hitchhiker knows, when things go awry, don't panic.

Trinco and back

By free-wheeling hack Ignatius Rake
Sri Lanka

Poland's Alien Autopsy provide the potty-mouthed punk accompaniment to this monsoon-soaked Sri Lankan road trip from Colombo to Trincomalee and back.

Munich Airport über alles

By roving hack Ignatius Rake
Munich, Germany

If you get the choice, always fly through Munich and stay the hell away from Paris Charles de Gaulle.

Symphony of the sands

By off-roading hack Ignatius Hack
Sharjah and Dubai, UAE

Nothing compares to the peace and tranquility of the Arabian Desert, something best enjoyed in a 4x4 while haring around some dunes like a loon.

The killers of Manila

By roving hack Ignatius Rake
Manila, the Philippines

Travel broadens the mind but if you go to Manila you also stand to get your brains blown out to boot.

Holiday in Cambodia

By trigger-happy hack Ignatius Rake
Phnom Penh, Cambodia

Why lie on a beach when you can have a blast with the Royal Cambodian Army?

No place for flip-flops (Pt 2)

By roving hack Ignatius Rake
Panmunjom, North and South Korea

Crossing into North Korea, our valiant hack risks all to expose the truth some people don't want told.

Relax, it's just a hurricane

By roving hack Ignatius Rake
Nuku'alofa, Tonga

Most people crave sunshine when they go abroad but sometimes in Tonga you can't beat a bit of wind.

Booted off the bus to Bridgetown

By roving hack Ignatius Rake

Dub reggae, inverted racism and vibrating buttocks are just some of the things you can enjoy on a Barbadian bus.

No place for flip-flops (Pt 1)

By roving hack Ignatius Rake
Panmunjom, North and South Korea

Sick of hippies in tie-dyed T-shirts and flip-flops? Then head to Panmunjom in the Korean DMZ. Just don't be surprised if you come back in a box.

Art for all

By roving hack Ignatius Rake
Vaduz, Liechtenstein

While it might be small, Vaduz is perfectly formed. Especially when it comes to freaky modern architecture

Crazy Chinese cookery competition!

By staff writer Stafford Wrighter

Love Chinese food? Then enter this competition right away!

What a bloody week!

By chief hack Ignatius Rake

The R&H pays homage to all who have helped us over the past week – a very busy time in the world of gurgitation indeed.

The bins of Budapest

Jemima Stevens of Ipswich has sent us this photograph of some bins in Budapest.

Lonely hearts

Man seeks dog

Sex lost its sparkle

With agony aunt Melvyn Gunt

Got a problem? Agony aunt Melvyn Gunt is here to help.

Slush fund

Senior politician seeks illegal funding for coup, crime, birds and gun running.

Medical experiments

Are you aged 18-45 and a bit strapped for cash?


Are you a criminal? Can you help?

It's back, like herpes or piles

Newswire/FDC, Paris

High Court Judge demands Rake & Herald returns from holiday after questions raised in House of Commons.

School's back forever

By chief hack Ignatius Rake

After a month-long drinking holiday that saw us wantonly neglecting our duties, the Rake & Herald has now officially gone back to work. Just in time for the weekend.

Win this hat!

In a selfless act of altruism, we're giving away this fantastic hat that fashion editor Kok Wang picked up at his local Netto while off his cods on cider.

Got a band? Want a review?

By chief hack Ignatius Rake

Are you in a band and want a review? Then get in touch.

Hangover causes market panic

By editorial assistant Sandi Toxic

World markets were thrown into chaos yesterday when the Rake & Herald, the primary font of all knowledge, suddenly fell silent.

Follow us on Titface

By editorial assistant Sandi Toxic

If you're into all that social media networking malarkey, you'll be over the moon to learn that you can follow the Rake & Herald on Twitter and Facebook.

Fantastic find-a-typo competition!

If you can spot any of the 'typos', broken links or other mistakes we have carefully hidden around this website, you could win up to three hundred pounds!

Sage advice from St Pancras

By editorial assistant Sandi Toxic

Staff at London's St Pancras International train station have issued advice that could save the travelling public thousands of something in untold misery and disappointment.

Oslo death-monkey competition

We've got four cars full of fish to give away to the first reader who can identify which of the following three statements about Oslo is factually incorrect.

Hot Uruguayan chimney action

Gabrielle Sentient-Match of Ifracombe spotted this stunning chimney while picking liver off a door in Uruguay.

Pub quiz: Round one

Compiled by the venerable Rake

Switch off your phones and cover up your answers. That's right, it's round one of our very own pub quiz. No cheatin' or yer barred!

Nice set of lamps!

By editorial assistant Sandi Toxic

New evidence suggests Kenny Everett doubled as top Italian designer.

Readers' Wives Oman

Hendrik Walden of Bermondsey has sent us this charming picture of his wife hiding in the back of a lorry.

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