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MUSIC & THE ARTS

When Scrotum met Dildo

By resident hipster Archibald Scrotum

Posted March 23, 2014
dildo
Scrotum: Our man in Hoxton. Note the sacrilegious use of Cornish tartan. (Check bottom for credits)

Archibald Scrotum chats with Justin Dustbin, the man behind Ventriloquist's Dildo, the coolest folk vibe generators in all of Shoreditch.


Many of my fellow metrosexuals are finding that modern folk music is filling the void left by the lack of natural impulses in our busy modern lives as we smarm around in our Vauxhall Mokka's, our chicly coiffured beards flying from our chins like scarves.

But instead of relaxing on a hayrick on a pleasant summer evening drinking cider that's been chilled in a brook, we prefer to hang out with others of our kind in light, open-plan bars where the exciting opinions of our peers on products, apps and attire marketed by lifestyle magazines are foremost.

So with a hey nonny no, this select group of ours have been given a new, old, earthy, rustic, bearded zeitgeist to follow, the sublime modern nostalgia of the new Jethro Dull: the so-now-it's-retro Ventriloquist's Dildo.


TOSSER
I meet the band's chief songwriter and imaginary stringed instrument player Justin Dustbin, who I haven't seen since prep school, in his imaginary gypsy caravan above a food boutique selling artisan fruit and veg.

Slipping into character after a couple of lines, he did bade me sit down upon the green sward and forsooth told me he went to Central St Martin's after dropping out of Westminster once final term was over.

In the 18th century no less.

He also regaled me with how his father, Squire Manfat, had employed him in his multinational lamp oil emporium when his maypole carving was deemed too realistic for children to dance around.

I asked him about the new tour and he revealed that his flat cap and 1970s NHS prescription glasses were ready for marketing and that modern folk was "indispensable to British music as long as you turned the synthesisers up and made any stringed instruments irrelevant and almost absent".

"My new song, Behold Your Crippling Monthly Payments For That Shit Car With a Stupid Name was written as an afterthought to our last hit single Willingly Purchased Massive Flatscreen," he told me via his publicist.

"I expected it to do well, but with the guidance of daddy's social engineering friends it was a monster for people who have an in-tray for a head."

Justin confirmed his forthcoming Boyhole/Dildo supergroup collaboration for Comic Relief.

Dustbin's Dildo will cover Rod Stewart's Do You Think I'm Sexy/The Milkmaid Uses Estée Lauder while Boyhole simulate oral sex in sackcloth hotpants.

I sat by his bare feet in awe.

I still do.

If only he would touch me.


See also Boyhole squirts back, posted 6/3/14.


Picture credits


Top and thumb: Archibald Scrotum by Ignatius Rake, using original images by Ketchupcatsoup; Trey.colson; and Lorena Cupcake.

For licensing information click the above links.



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