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RIP Lou Reed

By society editor Wolfgang Bang

Posted October 29, 2013
lou reed in 2011
Dude: Lou Reed in 2011 yesterday. (Check bottom for credit)

Lou Reed, sadly not related to Ollie, dies aged 71.

It is with some sadness but no real surprise that the former frontman for the Velvet Underground has kicked the can aged 71.

Although not someone that anybody remotely sensible would have had anything to do with, he did write some blinding tunes while being so toxically drugged up that his levels of insane perversion would have killed all members of the Rolling Stones, including Brian Jones, twice.

His family, fearing his bisexuality a threat to American civilisation that would bring shame upon them, had Reed subjected to electroconvulsive therapy (ECT) treatment while he was a youngster in an attempt to stop him baking a light cake, jumping over puddles and generally being good with colours.

Instead, it helped turn him into a raging chemical head that wrote really weird songs that were surprisingly excellent.

Reed famously beat the shit out of David Bowie after they had 'collaborated both artistically and personally' when Bowie suggested he drink and drug a bit less.

According to unofficial sources, the enraged Reed "slapped him about like a little girl being struck by a freight train loaded with heroin, piss and pile ointment".

Bowie led the tributes to the genius fruitloop.

Probably 'cos he's scared at the prospect of an undead Lou Reed arriving at his house, cold cocking him then sliding him head-first up his arse as a suppository while singing New York, New York in a really sarcastic deadpan voice.

Reed is survived by his missus Laurie Anderson, who did a hit in the British charts for what seemed like months in 1981.

Metallica are rubbish.

Chief hack's note: Just in case you're not sure, we at the Rake & Herald reckon Lou Reed (2/3/42 – 27/10/13) was a bloody musical hero and we wish him all the very best in the hereafter. Indeed, here's some facts about Reed from the Daily Mirror's YouTube channel, some of which you should already know from having read the above. This is then followed by the Velvet Underground classic Venus in Furs from ledavdavecorporation's Dailymotion channel. Lou Reed was a dude. In fact, he was such a dude that we'll even forgive him for collaborating with Gorillaz and that gigantic walking ego out of U2. You know, that short-arsed one who's always wearing sunglasses. Yeah, him.

Velvet Underground - Venus in Furs by ledavdavecorporation

See also Edie Sedgwick, posted 9/5/13, and Typical bloody Hollywood, posted 27/9/13.

Wolfgang Bang is a former skate punk who dropped the skateboard but remains reliably enraged by various aspects of modern culture. His oaths and verbal abuse still echo around the fashionable Portobello Road area of West London. His hobbies include long-range outdoor drinking, cooking and modern history. He spends much of his time in a hedge with an air rifle, waiting for the rabbits of mass media to pop out of their burrows and graze on the sweet grass of empty promises.

Picture credit

Top and thumb: Lou Reed in 2011 by Man Alive!.

For licensing information click the above link.

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