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MUSIC & THE ARTS

Double O Doo

By society editor Wolfgang Bang

Posted February 10, 2014
scooby dooby dooby bond
How would you like your Scooby snacks? Shaken not stirred. (Check bottom for credits)

Wolfgang Bang reveals the alarming truth behind the James Bond film franchise.


I have come to the conclusion that Bond films have more in common with Scooby Doo's repeating plotlines than is healthy.


1) Camp sinister villain steals/develops wonder weapon.

2) Bond shags someone close to villain.

3) Henchmen try to off Bond with a venomous Indonesian field mouse as he's on the job in his hotel.

4) Bond beats villain at Top Tumps and earns his enmity.


THE PLOT THICKENS
Bond issued packet of radioactive Quavers, wristwatch that doubles as a condom dispenser and an inflatable banana that's bulletproof.

Is told not to break them.

Meets Vagina Akimbo, is lured to criminal mastermind's lair under bus shelter in Bugle, gets thrown to villain's exotic pet menagerie (subterranean orifice gerbils), uses Quavers, bulletproof inflatable banana and rubber johnnies to block lair's lavatories.

Bogs explode in a fountain of shite and is finally picked up by the Royal Navy in ASDA car park using a shopping trolley as a lifeboat.

Cue Shirley 'Flingtits' Bassey singing Smell My Finger.

Bond will return in Never Say Bugger Again.

When's tea ready, love?


In a minute. When I've finished watching this clip from On Her Majesty's Secret Service. Stiff gold balls on toast OK?




The above video is embedded on the
Rake & Herald from RememberingBond's YouTube channel. Hat tip: James Among.


See also Top tips for a top tramp, posted 8/2/14.


Wolfgang Bang
is a former skate punk who dropped the skateboard but remains reliably enraged by various aspects of modern culture. His oaths and verbal abuse still echo around the fashionable Portobello Road area of West London. His hobbies include long-range outdoor drinking, cooking and modern history. He spends much of his time in a hedge with an air rifle, waiting for the rabbits of mass media to pop out of their burrows and graze on the sweet grass of empty promises.


Picture credits

Top and thumb: Illustration by Ignatius Rake using original images by Evan-Amos; Alan Light; Cmglee; and Omarukai from Paris, France.

For licensing information click the above links.



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