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EATING & DRINKING

Wing Bowl: The eaters' perspective

By editorial assistant Sandi Toxic

Posted February 07, 2014
molly with crown
Good golly, Miss Molly: Molly sports her chicken-covered crown. © Wing Bowl 22

As the dust settles on Wing Bowl XXII, the R&H speaks to some of the top gurgitators that waged wing-based war in Philly last Friday.


The plates might have been cleared away and the vast amounts of chicken digested but superscarfing supermum Molly Schuyler reports that she is still "amazed and shocked" to have not only landed top gong at the year's Wing Bowl (31/1/14) with 363 formerly feathered foul flappers down her gullet, but also to have simultaneously trounced the previous record of 337 set by Takeru 'the Tsunami' Kobayashi, aka Kobi, back in 2012.

"Kobi is a great eater and I don't know what to say," she exclusively facebookerises the Rake & Herald.

"I really am speechless."


AN AMAZING JOB
Fortunately, though, while she may not be able to speak, Molly's still able to type, which is handy because what we want to know is what it was like stuffing her gob for 30 minutes over three rounds in front of so many people at the Wells Fargo Center?

"A half-hour contest is no joke for real," she says.

"[I had] never done one but you really cannot break pace or get too sick of the taste or you are done."

"As with the sold-out stadium – holy crap, there were a lot of people there."

The new queen with a chicken-covered crown to boot she may be but Molly is nevertheless quick to praise her fellow gurgitators, in particular former Major League Eating (MLE) number two and unicorn enthusiast Patrick 'Deep Dish' Bertoletti, who came a close second with a tummy tally of 356, and last year's Wing Bowl champ Jamie 'the Bear' McDonald, who took bronze with 304 in his belly at the bell.

"Jamie and Pat were phenomenal."

"Definitely a serious contest – it was a toss-up for all three of us."

"An amazing job done by all."

So had she been clocking up much practice in preparation for the chowdown?

"I didn't really practice on wings much," Molly reveals.

"I had a few the day before but I didn't want to practice on huge wings."

And on the subject of wings, the grub at the gobathon was "actually pretty good".

"They were not cold and had good flavour," she reports.

But what about all that wonga she won?

Does she have any plans for the $22,000 (£13,350) her noshing netted her, such as going on holiday to Cornwall or donating it all to the Rake & Herald retirement fund?

"As for the winnings, I am not spending it at all."

"At least for a while."

"I really am frugal."

"Heck, I own four pairs of shoes and buy my jeans at the thrift store."

"No need to buy things you don't need," she says.

Ah well, probably just as well.

After all, booze editor Dr Miltov Lamprey (struck off) would probably only spunk it all on boot polish.

And not even the good stuff either.


deep dish and the bear
Goliaths of the gob: Deep Dish (left) and the Bear (right). Both pics © Wing Bowl 22


DEEP DISH AND THE BEAR
But what's the craic with Deep Dish, who last appeared at Wing Bowl in 2008 as an MLE eater when the contest was still open to pro gurgitators?

And for that matter, how does he feel about upping his showing from 241, an increase of nearly 47.7178423237%?

"It was great to be back," he exclusively emailifies the Rake & Herald.

"I love going to this contest."

"I kind of wanted to party and get drunk like an asshole but the top prize was enough to keep me focused and motivated."

"Overall, I'm happy with my performance."

"I did enjoy the actual eating part."

"The wings were probably the fastest and best wings I've ever had in competition."

"Wings are a fun food to eat."

"In contest, if they are fast to eat and prepared well, you can keep the same pace throughout."

And from what we gather, that was some pace.

Mind you, the Bear was hardly dragging his heels either.

"The events leading up to the actual eating are always fun and it's great to see all the other eaters that rare either competing or just there for support," the Bear states in an equally exclusive emailament to the Rake & Herald.

"I was both satisfied with my performance and not."

"My speed was better than anyone's."

"But with the restaurant [set up with last year's winnings] I haven't been training capacity and that's where I fell short."

"At this time, given the way the actual contest went, I will more than likely not be coming back to Wing Bowl," he says, knocking us off our chairs.

What?

No Bear?

For f--k's sake!


AU REVOIR, US MALE
While we certainly hope the Bear changes his mind by the time we've got a new calendar up, one Wing Bowl XXII finalist who definitely won't be at next year's bash is Dave 'US Male' Goldstein, who, celebrating his 46th birthday this past Monday (3/2/14) – many happy returns, sir! – is now retiring from the competition after six Wing Bowl finals in eight years.

Having last year driven away in a brand new a car as the local winner with a third-place engobulation of 266 fried aeronautical appendages down his crop, he this year placed fifth with a slightly diminished belly haul of 210.

"The Pathfinder I won is a great vehicle and I love it," he exclusively facebookates the Rake & Herald.

"I would have loved to win the local prize again and had I done as well as last year, it would have happened."

"This was my sixth and final Wing Bowl, so it would have been nice to leave a winner."

"Six Wing Bowls, six final five finishes."

Not bad, eh?

So what does US Male think of the speed scarfing spectacular, given that he's not exactly a stranger to it?

"Wing Bowl is where it all started for me and it is always great to be there again because so many of my friends, family and co-workers get to come out and support me."

"As far as my performance, I was very dissatisfied."

"Because of my weight loss and distance running over the last 10 months, stretching my stomach didn't come easy and I did not feel I would fair well."

"I knew in the first 10 minutes that I was going to struggle and I did."

However, while "eating for 30 minutes", he says, "is torture", doing so in the middle of a packed arena is an "amazing feeling".

"The atmosphere of Wing Bowl is energetic but the event itself is very subjective."

"I think the prize structure sucks because of all the sponsors and money the radio station brings in."

"The eaters are the sideshow but put in the most preparation work yet a girl puts on a bikini and wins a Harley."

Hmm, the last time I put on a bikini, I got harpooned by a Norwegian whaler.

Thankfully, I was a bit too blubbery so they let me go.

But enough of that because US Male describes last Friday's mandible match as "absolutely unbelievable".

"Even though this was mine and [Jonathon 'Super Squibb' Squibb's] lowest totals in several years, most eaters put up their best numbers," he continues.

"I think Squibb [who this year won a car as the top local eater with a fourth-placed cakehole catch of 252] is a great champion."

"Molly, Pat and Jamie are amazing eaters and pushed each other to unthought-of numbers," he says, adding that he was "glad to see some of [his] local boys crack the top 10 in a tight field".

But as US Male hangs up his Wing Bowl gloves for good, how would he sum up his contest career?

"A fun run of Wing Bowls over the past eight years but I think it's enough."

"I don't have any regrets."

Fair bloody play, sir!

We'll be sad not see your name up on the results board next year but we wholeheartedly salute you for all your efforts and achievements.

Top stuff, indeed!


us male
Get 'em in! US Male powers through the wings. © Wing Bowl 22


RESULTS UPDATE
And talking of results, we don't really have too much to add to what we ran in our initial Wing Bowl report here other than to confirm that Sebastian 'the Polish Punisher' Jablowski also won a car as the conquering college craw crammer with 78 wings down his north.

Sadly, when it comes to results, Wing Bowl can be something of a hot potato filled with bones of contention on a sticky wicket.

And if you don't believe me, scroll down to the last two paragraphs of this interview with 'Furious' Pete Czerwinski that we came across last year via the ever excellent Eat Feats.

While we here at the Rake & Herald cannot comment on the veracity of Furious Pete's claims, it does seem fair to report that a number of different sources have called into question this year's total tallies, including several readers who contacted us expressing their belief that Deep Dish should have won.

Are they right or are they wrong?

Who knows?

Not us.

But we can tell you that the Rake & Herald has now contacted the Wing Bowl organisers with some rapier-like questions on the matter and will duly report back to you, yes YOU, our cherished and beloved readers, as and when or if we receive a reply.

In the meantime, I'll hand you over to my sugary sweet fiancé, Rake & Herald fashion editor, self-appointed competitive eating pundit and foul-mouthed London cabbie Kok 'Bloody' Wang, freshly returned from his stag night down here inside the Hollow Earth and literally itching to spout off a load of his typically ill-informed bum gravy.

And about time too, Kok.

Where the hell have you been?

You've been gone for f--king months!


THE PRODIGAL KOK RETURNS
Shut it, you warty old crone or you'll get a fist full of sovs in yer gob.

[Bloody hell, Kok! Is that really the way to address your future wife?]

Get used to it, girl, 'cos I won't be 'avin' none o' your lip when yer chained to the kitchen sink, I can fackin' tell ya.

Now fack off and fetch me a can o' Spesh.

My fackin' loaf's killin'.

[Arsehole.]

I 'eard that!

Anyway, regardless of oo's wrong or oo's right abaht them totals, nothing can take away the fact that Molly fackin' rocks.

Apparently, she's decided to take a few days off from the old gurgitatin' lark an' put 'er feet up fer a bit, an' I don't bloody blame 'er.

After all, not only did she scarf down all them wings at stupid o'clock in the mornin' last Friday, but the very next day she buggered off to Urbandale, a thousand fackin' miles away in Iowa, where she immediately set abaht scoffin' a record fackin' 59 pancakes in 20 minutes to win the fackin' IHOP Pancake Bowl.

Fackin' smart, eh?

But get this, right, 'cos just two hours later she was next door in fackin' Des Moines – you know, where that Bill Bryson's from – to fackin' well defend 'er fackin' title at the fackin' Seventh Annual Blue Ribbon Bacon Festival.

Accordin' to the fackin' Festival website, she last year "crushed the record for being the first person to eat all 3 lbs [1.4 kg] of cooked bacon within less than the 5-minute time allotted".

This year, she cleared 'er plate in 3 minutes 30.

Fackin' pukka Pellicci or what?

Well guess what, my son.

Come the Sunday (2/2/14), she's only bleedin' well nipped over to Jethro's BBQ N' Pork Chop Grill in Johnston – fack knows where that is – to eat a soddin' great 5-lb sarnie in 4 minutes 50, trumpin' 'er previous best for the same challenge by 2 minutes 18.

So yeah, she's fackin' good, is Molly.

In fact, she's more than fackin' good.

She's the fackin' dog's bollocks with bells on!

Now don't get me wrong.

I fackin' love Deep Dish an' if, as some allege – and notice all you bleedin' lawyers out there that I said 'some allege' – 'ee should've been crowned Wing Bowl winner, then I'm truly sorry for 'im 'cos I reckon 'ee's a top bloke an' a top eater, a real diamond geezer an' no mistake and that's not takin' one bloody gram o' glory away from Molly neither.

An' if any muppet says different, I'll fackin' slice 'em open like a fackin' lemon!

Slit 'em from 'ere to 'ere, I will.

Claret all over the place.

'Cos I'm.

A proper.

Naughty.

Geezer.

You want a dry slap, my son?

'Cos that's what you'll get.

'Owever, I can't possibly comment on the results 'cos I weren't bleedin' there, kapeesh?

An' they can't pin nothin' on me neither.

I got witnesses, fackin' loads of 'em, and they'll all swear I was gettin' me end away, up to me cobblers in some ropey old brass down the rub-'n'-tug shop I was, alright?

In fact, I think she's given me dandruff.

On me pubes.

Except they keep wrigglin' abaht like little tiny crabs.

Don't arf fackin' itch as well.

Shit, I can't remember what I was gonna say now.

Fack it.

I'm off fer a Tom Tit.

Sand, back to you, you slag.

I'm 'avin' a crap.


HUGE SALUTES ALL ROUND!
Hmm, thanks, Kok.

Great to have you back.

And try not to smear it all over the seat this time.

Honestly.

Men!

Can't live with 'em.

Er...

Can't live with 'em.

Anyway, massive thanks and congratulations to everyone who had a hand in this year's Wing Bowl, whether they were eating, feeding, cooking, organising or simply watching.

Huge, huge thanks too to everyone who wrote in to us and even bigger thanks and some right royal whopping massive great big gigantic congratulations to Molly, Deep Dish, the Bear and US Male for their stunning performances and their bloody excellent exclusive quotes.

You are total stars, the lot of you!

In fact, as a special treat, here's a link to a shedload of Wing Bowl interview vids, followed by some footage of Molly boshing all that bacon from Headline News' YouTube channel.

Meanwhile, to watch a TV report on her record-breaking sandwich smashing, have a click of this.




Right, gotta go.

Kok's been living off nothing but booze and peanuts for months and we haven't got a khazi door.

F--k, that's rank.

I can literally touch the fumes.


See also Molly wins Wing Bowl XXII, posted 31/1/14.


To fully understand why Sandi and Kok are getting married, make sure you read Twinkies and brats, posted 1/11/13. Meanwhile, to learn more about the Hollow Earth itself, have a read of The Hollow Earth revisited, posted 17/1/13.


Do you like our Sandi's scribblings? If so, why not befriend her on that FaceBook thing? We don't let her out much, see, preferring instead to shackle her to her desk inside an indestructible cage (it's actually a Perspex box with a couple of air holes stabbed into it with a chisel). As such, she's terribly lonely and unloved. Please find it in your heart to help her before her constant whining drives us to kill her with a sharpened curtain rod. Remember, Sandi's life is in YOUR hands so get 'friending', or whatever the trendy modern verb is. Please. She's just started crying again.




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