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EATING & DRINKING

Twinkies and brats

By editorial assistant Sandi Toxic

Posted November 01, 2013
twinkie contest
Wow! Aren't Twinkies big! © MLE

Joey 'Jaws' Chestnut stuffs 121 Twinkies down his gob in six minutes while Molly Schuyler boshes 40 brats in eight.


In November 2012, they disappeared from the shelves after the company that made them went down the tubes.

Eight months later, they sprang back to life, like one of those split dogs at the start of The Return of the Living Dead.

Then, this past Saturday (26/10/13) at Bally's Casino in Tunica, Mississippi, San Jose superscarfing superhuman superstar Joey 'Jaws' Chestnut got up in front of a load of people and suddenly shoved 121 of 'em down his gob in six minutes flat.

I speak, of course, of Twinkies and "and all [their] creamy, cakey, golden goodness" and which US-based manufacturer Hostess asserts need no introduction "because this creamy, cakey, golden goodness has been enchanting the masses for generations".

But what, you may well ask, was the reason for Jaws ramming so many of these things down his gob at a rate of more than one every three seconds?

Hmm.

Well, it may have been that he was hungry and all out of soup.

Either that or he was competing in the first ever Major League Eating- (MLE) sanctioned World Twinkie Eating Championship, which might also explain why he left the table $2,500 (£1,558) better off once all the scoffing was done.

And also why Matt 'Megatoad' Stonie was standing next to him while gormandising his way through a full Nelson to scoop $1,250.

Further evidence to support this latter hypothesis comes from the news that rocketing rookie Miki Sudo, who I increasingly want to call 'the Las Vegas Tornado', took bronze and sponds worth $650 for cramming 71 of these crème-filled cakes down her cakehole.

Moreover, Adrian 'the Rabbit' Morgan also ferreted away $400 for forcing 57 of 'em down his throat while Brett Campbell and Josh Miller each racked up a ton for bolting back 40 apiece.

Bloody hell!

All those people running out of soup at exactly the same time!

What could it all mean?


TOP CONTEST
But was Jaws gobsmacked by his gold-winning belly bounty?

Probably not given that when that Rake bloke interviewed him after the recent Fourth Annual Smoke's Poutinerie World Poutine Eating Championship in Toronto, Canada, Jaws exclusively told the Rake & Herald: "That's going to be a good contest."

"We'll probably break the hundred mark in Twinkies."

"First minute, we're probably looking at 25 then 20."

"We'll slow down towards the end but it's going to be right around the 100 mark."

Mind you, as his final belly bounty was 21% up on that predicted figure, he may still have been a tad surprised.

Although probably not that much considering his proven track record of necking gargantuan amounts of grub very quickly indeed.

To read the full interview from which we've recycled the above, have a click of this.

But what about the Las Vegas Tornado?

"I think most would agree: the world is a better place with Twinkies back on the shelves," Miki exclusively twitterises the Rake & Herald.

"The contest was a fun way to celebrate the return of such an iconic food and I had a great time at the event."

"I can't say that I'm particularly proud of my total, but I'm pleased with the placements."

"I ate in a manner that's entirely different from my usual style and it clearly didn't work in my favour."

"I was much slower than I should have been and I only got down 6 lbs [2.7 kg] of food."

"It's a little frustrating to walk away from a contest far from full."

"Still, I think there's tremendous value in learning your strengths and weaknesses."

"Besides, I seriously doubt it cost me first or second anyway and I had a great time as always."

"If we're lucky enough to have a Twinkie contest next year, I can't say I'll beat Matt or Joey, but I think you'll see my total much closer to theirs."

"In the last six months as a rookie on the pro circuit, I've learned a lot through this type of trial and error and I can't wait to reach new heights next season."

And as for Jaws and Megatoad, they "were amazing as always".

"They give me a whole lot to strive for."


molly and the bear
Brat bashers: Molly and a bearded Bear. © Molly Schuyler


BRAT BASHING USA
But Miki wasn't the only top-flight rookie female food fighter engobulating vast quantities of nutrients last Saturday, for on that very same day just a mere 1,000 miles (1,609.3 km) away in Noi Yoik City (NYC) Molly Schuyler, who has now been named as All Pro Eating's (APE) Number One alimentary athlete, shovelled a monster 40 bratwursts with a combined weight of 7.25 lbs down her gut in eight minutes at the APE-sanctioned Bierhaus NYC National Oktoberfest Bratwurst Eating Championship.

In so doing, she not only netted $750 and a trophy but also dethroned reigning brat champ Jamie 'the Bear' McDonald, who snared $500 for a silver tummy tally of 28, down from 33.5 last year.

At the same time, Dave 'Tiger Wings and Things' Brunelli again came third to pocket lovely lucre worth a quarter large with an increased showing of 22 brats compared to 20.5 12 months ago while Kevin 'Qwazy' Ambs took home $100 for fourth after boshing 18.

"I was hoping for a minimum of 40 at the brat contest," Molly exclusively facebookates the Rake & Herald.

"MLE does a 10-min [contest] and we do an eight and we had the natural-casing brats in opposition."

And while "near the end the taste was so overwhelming", it was "still a good show," she says.

"Jamie and all the others were also both amazing competition but the friendship we all have is worth even more."

"I didn't expect the winning margin to be as big honestly."

"Also I never expected to be APE #1."

"What an honour."

"I don't think I deserve any of this but the ride has been amazing nonetheless."

"I feel as though the whole year leading up to this was so surreal so I will just run with it!"


TOTS FOR LIFE
And run with it, she certainly has.

As well as winning the National Rock the Tots Final at Bar Louie in Cleveland, Ohio by wolfing back 6 lbs of tater tots in 3 minutes to land $500, free tots for life and a Guinness World Record (we think) this past October 5, she also won the Women's Chef One Dumpling Eating Contest in Noi Yoik, Noi Yoik the week before (28/9/13).

Staged as part of the NYC Dumpling Festival, this latter bash saw Molly gulletising a record-breaking 90 pot stickers in 2 minutes to bag $2,000 ahead of the Rake & Herald's all-time favourite hat-wearer Stephanie 'Xanadu' Torres, who claimed clams worth a grand for her stomach haul of 66, and seven-times winner 'Fabulous' Floria Lee, who netted $500 for her bronze engorgement of 43.

Then, the following day (29/9/13), Molly promptly hightailed it over to Clarence, Noi Yoik to come a very close second behind the Bear (who won the Men's dumpling contest with a male record of 86 in 2 minutes) at the APE-sanctioned Great Pumpkin Farm 2013 World Hands-Free Pumpkin Pie Eating Championship.

Although it was her first ever defeat, the pie-pummelling nonetheless saw her securing $500 for vacuuming up 39 4.8-oz (136.1-g) slices in 10 minutes, with the Bear grabbing a golden grand for mauling 40.

At the same time, Dave 'Big Dave' Werick picked up $250 on winning an eat-off against Michael 'Munchin' Mike' Longo ($50) after they had both masticated 17 slices into mush.

"I was one seat away from Jamie, who chowed down 40 pieces, edging out Molly by barely a piece," Big Dave exclusively emailifies the Rake & Herald.

"She would have had 40 as well but left one bite on her final plate so ended at 39."

"The amazing part was that both of them had competed 24 hours earlier in NY City and had both won first in their respective divisions."

"Shortly before the pumpkin pie contest started, Molly consumed an entire deep-fried blooming onion."

"Perhaps that took the place where she could have tucked away that last lost bite."

"I can barely imagine the way her stomach must have felt with 12-plus lbs of pie."

"I ate roughly half that amount and certainly felt it!"

And on the subject of stomachs, one person who always makes me want to empty mine through my mouth is Rake & Herald fashion editor, London cabbie and self-appointed competitive eating pundit Kok 'Bloody' Wang.

Seriously, the merest sight of him just makes me want to chuck up bile.

Especially when he barges in on me and some 12-foot-tall hired thug having rumpy-pumpy in the back of a flying disc somewhere inside the Hollow Earth.

Honestly, Kok, you could've waited a bit before knocking him unconscious with that lead marital aid.

Besides, do you know how good the benefits system is down here?

I'd have been quids in with me own council house if you'd've let him impregnate me with an unwanted sprog and then ditch me like some used piece of jet trash.

Man, I could bloody kill you!


dumpling destroyers
Dumpling destroyers: The Champ, Xanadu, Molly, Tiger Wings and Things, Wayneywonder; the Ukraine Train and the Lumberjack. © Molly Schuyler (we think)


KOK'S PROPOSAL
Shut it, Sand, you gobby little shit weasel.

[Anyway, how come you can talk now? I saw you getting all your teeth pulled out with a set of rusty pliers. I know 'cos I coudn't stop laughing.]

Nah, you thick shit, that was a false mouth, weren't it?

But enough of all that.

What abaht them Twinkies?

Undred an' twenny-one in six minutes?

Bleedin' Nora!

That works out at just under 20.2 Twinkies a minute, significantly higher than the 14 Twinkies Takeru 'the Tsunami' Kobayashi ate in 60 seconds last year to set a new Guinness World Record, although according to the Uffinton Post, where I learnt that little fact, it's not clear whether MLE will be submitting Jaws' chomping feat to Guinness as a new record.

To be honest, I doubt they will on account o' the fact that Guinness only accepts short-duration eatin' records, which is why the World Oyster Eating Championship in Hillsborough, Northern Ireland is kept to just three minutes, or so I gather.

Apparently, from what Rakey got told by people in the know there, Guinness won't countenance a longer chowdown for bleedin' nanny-state elf an' safety bollocks.

Well, that's what 'ee told me anyway.

Although 'ee was off 'is tits at the time.

An' talkin' o' the Uffinton Post, I strongly recommend readin' Crazy Legs Conti's Twinkies write-up 'cos as ever it's bleedin' excellent.

I fackin' love readin' 'is stuff.

'Ee's a fackin' geezer!

But what abaht the Las Vegas Tornado?

Well, she may not be all that chuffed with 'er numbers – and to be 'onest I reckon she could've done at least 20 or 30 more – but, so I see from the ever excellent Eat Feats database, that was 'er 17th appearance at an MLE-sanctioned event to date and still she ain't placed below bronze.

Now, I don't care what anyone says, that's fackin' fantastic.

She's fackin' ace, Miki is, an' I can't wait to see what she does next year with the added bonus of 'avin' a full year's experience under 'er belt.

No disrespect meant to any o' the other MLE roster but when the new rankin's are released in the not-too-distant, my money, or ooever's cash I can get me bleedin' 'ands on, says the Top Three reads: Jaws; Megatoad; Sudo.

As any cant knows, I fackin' love Sonya 'the Black Widow' Thomas; have total and utter respect for Bob 'Notorious B.O.B.' Shoudt, oo's a total dude an' a proper diamond geezer; an' 'ave long doffed my cap to Tim 'Eater X' Janus, the greatest belcher to ever do a mouth-fart.

'Owever, that's just the way I see it so that's the way I'm gonna say it.

An' if anyone wants to differ, I'll jus' 'ave to kick yer fackin' face in, won't I, Sand?

Jus' like I will if anyone reckons Molly Schuyler is anything but fackin' phenomenal.

Forty fackin' brats in 8 minutes?

That's some bleedin' goin', especially when you realise she was up against the Bear, 'oo ain't no slouch when it comes to craw crammin' neither.

Defeated only once this year, Molly's got star quality written all over 'er.

Now, I know this is gonna be a bit controversial and also total wishful thinkin', but I'd give your 'ind teeth to see a chowdown between the top APE and top MLE gurgitators.

I know there's contracts an' all that legal bollocks in the way but just imagine a competitive eatin' Olympics-type thing where over 10 days, say, food warriors from MLE, APE, the World Competitive Eating Federation, the Irish Competitive Eating Association, Competitive Eating Australia and non-aligned eaters from all over the globe go jaw-to-jaw in dogs, brats, burgers, Twinkies an' brains an' the like.

You'd 'ave individual winners an' also a league table with points an' everythin' to see 'oo the overall winners are.

You'd 'ave different versions of the same contest as well, so as to measure Picnic Style Rules results against dunkin' ones.

It'd be fan-fackin'-tastic!

An' I could do the security on the door.

An what's more, you could bring me drinks on a silver tray 'cos I bleedin' love you, Sand.

[What?!]

I said I bleedin' love you.

[Bollocks you do. Have you been at the Scotch again?]

Nah, I bleedin' ain't.

Well, a few 'and-steadiers, yeah, but nuffin' more than a pint or two.

[You're in love with me?]

'Course I am.

Can't you friggin' see it, girl?

That's why I coshed that bloke what was nobbin' ya an' why I shower ya with sweet nuffin's all the time.

[What? Like when you call me a boot-faced old hag with a moustache like Stalin's?]

Precisely.

Sweet nuffin's.

Can't you see I wanna marry you an' spend the rest of my life on the run from the law with you?

[But what about your third wife Queenie?]

Don't be daft.

She's been under the patio fer months.

What d'you think I owed Slasher McGee 300 nicker for in the first place?

To 'ave 'er taken care of, werenit?

[Sorry, but what exactly are you saying, Kok?]

I'm sayin': I 'ad me wife snuffed out by a two-foot-tall 'itman fer 300 quid so I could marry you, ya stupid cow.

[Bloody hell. That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard.]

So what you reckon then?

Wanna be my bag-for-life or what?

[Yeah, alright.]

Good, 'cos I've already bunged the Reverend Marcus Trepanning a fiver to marry us.

Now read out the results while I 'ave a wank over yer sister.


FULLISH RESULTS
Flippin' eck!

Well, on that bombshell, here are the as-full-as-we-can-work-out results based on the MLE, APE and Eat Feats websites and Twitter feeds and some YouTube footage we also came across via Eat Feats.

Blimey.

I'm so excited.

I always wanted to marry a total bastard.


The World Twinkie Eating Championship At Bally's Casino-Tunica, Tunica, Mississippi (26/10/13)

1) Joey 'Jaws' Chestnut (121 Twinkies in 6 minutes; $2,500);

2) Matt 'Megatoad' Stonie (111; $1,250);

3) Miki 'the Las Vegas Tornado' Sudo (71; $650);

4) Adrian 'the Rabbit' Morgan (57; $400);

=5) Brett Campbell (40; $100);

=5) Josh Miller (40; $100);

=7) Crazy Legs Conti (28);

=7) Matthew Raible (28); and

9) Don Potts (21).


The Bierhaus NYC National Oktoberfest Bratwurst Eating Championship, Noi Yoik, Noi Yoik (26/10/13)

1) Molly Schuyler (40 bratwursts in 8 minutes; $750; and a trophy);

2) Jamie 'the Bear' McDonald (28; $500);

3) Dave 'Tiger Wings and Things' Brunelli (22; $250);

4) Kevin "Qwazy" Ambs (18; $100);

Placement Unknown (PU)) Wayne 'Wayneywonder' Algenio (Quantity Unknown (QU));

PU) Will Baek (QU);

PU) Michael 'Munchin' Mike' Longo (QU);

PU) Paul 'Poppa' Pickett (QU);

PU) Patrick 'Lumberjack' Taylor (QU);

PU) Bloke in a Stinky T-shirt (QU);

PU) Man With Face (QU); and

PU) Possibly Another Man With Ears If We've Counted Right (QU).


The National Rock the Tot Finals, Cleveland, Ohio (5/10/13)

1) Molly Schuyler (6 lbs of tater tots in 3 minutes; $500; and free tater tots for life);

2) Bob 'Killer' Kuhns (4);

3) Sean Mulcahey (QU);

4) Brian Feldman (QU); and

5) Jose Carbajal (QU).


The Great Pumpkin Farm 2013 World Hands-Free Pumpkin Pie Eating Championship, Clarence, Noi Yoik (29/9/13)

1) Jamie 'the Bear' McDonald (40 slices of pie in 10 minutes; $1,000; and a trophy);

2) Molly Schuyler (39; $500);

3) Dave 'Big Dave' Werick (17 plus 2 in eat-off; $250); and

4) Michael 'Munchin' Mike' Longo (17 plus 1 in eat-off; $50).


Chef One Dumpling Eating Contest (Women), Noi Yoik, Noi Yoik (28/9/13)

1) Molly Schuyler (90 dumplings in 2 minutes; $2,000);

2) Stephanie 'Xanadu' Torres (66; $1,000);

3) 'Fabulous' Floria Lee (43; $500); and

4) Andrea Johnson (30).


Chef One Dumpling Eating Contest (Men), Noi Yoik, Noi Yoik (28/9/13)

1) Jamie 'the Bear' McDonald (86 dumplings in 2 minutes; $2,000);

2) Dave 'Tiger Wings and Things' Brunelli (72; $1,000);

3) Patrick 'Deep Dish' Bertoletti (71; $500);

4) Wayne 'Wayneywonder' Algenio (68);

5) 'Gentleman' Joe Menchetti (57);

6) Will 'the Champ' Millender (46);

7) Dimitry 'the Ukraine Train' Shchupak (42); and

8) Mike 'the Real Skinny' Hoffman (29).


As ever, major respect, thanks and congratulations to all who took part in the eating, emceeing, organising, feeding, spectating and, with regard to the brats at least, the looning about in front of the stage.

Extra massive thanks and salutes to Jaws, Miki, Molly and Big Dave for their exclusive quotes, even if Jaws' ones were recycled.

Hey, he still spoke to us so big thanks indeed, sir.

Sorry for not knowing every competitor's name and gut count but that's just the way it goes.

C'est la vie, as they don't say in Sweden much.

Anyway, to make up for it, here's a load of vids to feast your eyes on.

First up, it's the full Twinkie cramming contest courtesy of the Hostess YouTube channel.

The lighting's a bit funny in places but otherwise it's pretty darn good.





Got space for some more?

Good because here's the Bierhaus brat bashing from Michael Amezquita's YouTube channel, although we also advise you to check out the vids from Wane 'Wayneywonder' Algenio and Paul 'Poppa' Pickett of the Deadly Sins that you can view here and here, respectively.





As well as offering Jaws a chance to stick a shedload of cake things down his north, that Twinkies tournament has also given us the perfect excuse to run a couple of vids we were meant to post up ages back but didn't due to being haunted by aliens or something.

The first features Rob 'Dog' Nguyen doing a five-in-under-a-minute challenge while the second sees Damon 'the Omen' Wells taking things a step further by using his Twinkies as hot dog buns.

Both are taken from their respective YouTube channels, which you can have a root round here and here.








But where did the Omen get such an ingenious idea?

From Joe Park, apparently.

However, we might have misheard that bit as we couldn't seem to find such a challenge on Joe's YouTube channel, so instead here he is chugging back a load of eggnog.

And in the words of Vic Reeves, "I love eggnog!"





Right, gotta go.

Kok's just booked a room for the reception.

Some place called the Secret Chamber Beneath the Sphinx.

Or the Hall of Records, as he reckons it's also known.

Either way, I just hope there's loads of eggnog.

And Twinkies and brats, of course.


See also Twinkies are go!, posted 12/8/13; Molly massacres Madison pizzas, posted 25/9/13; and Beat on the brat, posted 14/10/12.


To fully understand why Sandi was rutting like a beast with a 12-foot-tall yob, make sure you read Rake wins poutine wooden spoon, posted 23/10/13. Meanwhile, to learn more about the Hollow Earth itself, have a read of The Hollow Earth revisited, posted 17/1/13.


Do you like our Sandi's scribblings? If so, why not befriend her on that FaceBook thing? We don't let her out much, see, preferring instead to shackle her to her desk inside an indestructible cage (it's actually a Perspex box with a couple of air holes stabbed into it with a chisel). As such, she's terribly lonely and unloved. Please find it in your heart to help her before her constant whining drives us to kill her with a sharpened curtain rod. Remember, Sandi's life is in YOUR hands so get 'friending', or whatever the trendy modern verb is. Please. She's just started crying again.


WARNING! Competitive eating can be dangerous. As well as choking hazards there is also the possibility of poisoning yourself, something that could lead to hospitalisation, permanent health damage and even death. Don't believe us? Read this. Consequently, the Rake & Herald does not recommend you emulate the above video(s) yourself. Seriously. We are NOT joking. You have been warned.





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