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The Real American

By editorial assistant Sandi Toxic

Posted May 23, 2014
the real american
Feed me more: Says it all. © Ronnie Hartman

On the eve of an epic dog fight, MLE's Ronnie Hartman tells the R&H why he's no longer called MegaByte.

When Ronnie Hartman steps up to the plate of dogs tomorrow (24/5/14) at the Nathan's qualifier in Charlotte, North Carolina, he won't be answering to the name 'MegaByte'.

Not because he's got a bag on or anything but simply because that tag is no more.

It's gone the way of a Betamax dodo, mate.

Instead, standing there preparing to munch will be the Real American, for Ronnie, as we kinda suspected the other day but weren't 100% sure, has now changed his flippin' eating name!

But why?

And, come to think of it, why was this serving serviceman with the US armed services serviced by this particular mouth moniker in the first place?

F--k knows.

Let's ask him.

"I'm switching from MegaByte to the Real American, but it turns out that no one wanted to call me MegaByte until I tried to switch," he exclusively tells the Rake & Herald in an exclusive converfacebookationalism with the Rake & Herald.

"I got the MegaByte name from my platoon sergeant in Afghanistan after deciding to do the [2013] Atlanta qualifier."

"I realised I needed a nickname and he suggested [MegaByte] because I work IT, so all credit to Staff Sergeant Neagle."

Fair play.

But why the change of name?

And why now and not next Wednesday or something?

Well, it appears that when the erstwhile MegaByte took to the stage in Florida this past April 12 in prelude to boshing 10.5 US pints (5 litres) of vanilla ice cream to finish joint third with Michelle 'Cardboard Shell' Lesco at the Second Magnify Credit Union World Ice Cream Eating Championship, someone had changed his intro music "to an electric version of Hulk Hogan's intro song Real American".

And, like a bunch of hungry gurgitators standing before a shedtonne of frozen dairy produce, the crowd "ate it up".

"So I just ran with it," he says.

However, the Real American isn't just an alimentary athlete.

He's also a wrestling fanatic with his eyes on the big time.

So is he going to use his new eating name in the wrestling ring to boot?

"There was a tag team that just split up called the Real Americans," he reveals to us totally ignorant cricket lovers.

"One of my favourite wrestlers, Cesaro, was in it, so I don't think so."

ronnie hartman in tunica
Tunica tooh-off: The Real American when he was still MegaByte. © Ronnie Hartman

For the Real American, though, tomorrow isn't just a shot at the big one in Noi Yoik.

As he hails from North Carolina, he'll also be stuffing his gob in front of his home crowd.

Furthermore, from what we gather, it'll also be Memorial Weekend in the States, something of major significance to the country's current, former and future military.

It will also be his second scoff-off of the 2014 Nathan's campaign, having placed third with a gut count of 17 hot dogs and buns in 10 minutes at the Tunica qualifer this past December 14.

Whether all this means extra pressure or whether it bodes bloody well like when you see two magpies together and then you blow over your hand while waving at them like we do in my native Cornwall, we can't honestly say, but we certainly wish him nothing but the best once that clock to Coney starts ticking.

As we will the other assembled Nathan's hopefuls, who, based on our trawls round Eat Feats and the Book of Face, look likely to include among thier number stalwart dog chomper Crazy Legs Conti (CLC); Canada's Meredith 'the Deep-Fried Diva' Boxberger; and Georgia's Damien 'the' Boykin.

But the Nathan's gnashings certainly won't be the only Major League Eating- (MLE) sanctioned gobathon taking place on Saturday.

Oh no siree, Bob, for over in Fairmont, West Virginia, an equally brave battalion of bouche battlers will be biting their way through a whole heap of pepperoni rolls at the Fourth Annual West Virginia Three Rivers Festival Pepperoni Roll Eating World Championship.

Just don't forget the birthday boy, though, because tomorrow will also see Matt 'Megatoad' Stonie turning 22.

Many happen returns, sir!

But rather than singing Happy Birthday to him, I'm instead going to mimic the theme tune to The Twilight Zone.


Well, when we contacted the Real American earlier today to clear up what his eater name is, we had no idea that he had just given an interview with WCCB.

However, on rummaging round Eat Feats in a bid to track down some completely different info, we soon discovered that that was exactly what he'd done.

Spooky, huh?

So, thanks to the Fates and OJ's truly dazzling diligence, here's a link to those videotastic Q&As that for some weird reason we can't seem to bloody embed here for you, yes YOU, the cherished and beloved readers of the Rake & Herald.

Not to worry, though, because you can still read the full interview we ran with the then MegaByte back in October just by clicking this.


It really is that simple.

Marvellous, eh?

Right, gotta go.

I've been baking an oily loaf all day and if I don't cut a slice off it now I'll


Too late.

Pass us a cloth, yeah?

See also Full metal gurgitator, posted 11/10/13.

Sandi Toxic
was raised by wolves inside a disused clay pit near Lanjeth. You can befriend her on FaceBook here. She is still quite feral.

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