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EATING & DRINKING

The Muffin Man delivers

By editorial assistant Sandi Toxic

Posted June 16, 2014
the omen goes for it
One hundred muffins: The Omen takes on the Zappa challenge. © Damon Wells

Were Damon 'the Omen' Wells and Frank Zappa separated at birth? You be the jury!


Scientists in Lucerne have discerned "a series of astounding similarities" between competitive eater Damon 'the Omen' Wells and legendary guitar legend Frank Zappa.

According to a press release issued by the Swiss National Institute for Guitars and Gurgitation and the Like, "both live or lived in California".

Moreover, it continues, "both have or had at least one head equipped with a fully functioning mouth".

But that's not all.

"But that's not all," says Professor Doctor Heinrich Hotel while reclining in a bathrobe beside a frozen duck.


WELL-KNOWN FACT
"It is a well-known fact among those that know it that Zappa used his mouth to sing about The Muffin Man on the 1975 album Bongo Fury and then during numerous subsequent live shows," he continues, scratching his parts with the animal's ice-encrusted beak.

"Meanwhile, our more than 12 years of meticulous research, using computer models we made up with a load of hay we stole from an ostrich farm, reveals that the Omen called this very same Muffin Man using a telephone or some such gizmo to order a batch of 100 Hostess Mini Muffins."

"Then he ate the f--king lot."

"With his mouth."

While the usual sceptics and professional debunkers wheeled out by the mainstream media to pooh-pooh such revolutionary findings were immediately wheeled out by the mainstream media to pooh-pooh such revolutionary findings, Rancid Shoesniffer, a rancid shoe sniffer from Stepney in London, was quick to pour scorn on the scorn the sceptics and professional debunkers had previously poured on the Swiss team's discovery on being wheeled out to do so by the mainstream media.

"I've seen the videos, mate, and it's bloody true," he told the Derbyshire Dog Licker by return post.

"And what's more, I've got the proof, embedded here on the Rake & Herald from the respective YouTube channels of the Omen and Levi Gonçalves."

"Personally, I think the only conclusion that needs to be drawn is pretty easy to draw."

"Both men are f--king ace."

"Now all the Omen has to do is chug a litre of vinegar and then he can recreate Why Does it Hurt When I Pee?"







See also Coast-to-coast chicken wolf-down, posted 25/3/14, and Happy birthday, Frank!, posted 21/12/13.


Sandi Toxic
was raised by wolves inside a disused clay pit near Lanjeth. You can befriend her on FaceBook here. She is still quite feral.


WARNING! Competitive eating can be dangerous. As well as potentially lethal choking hazards there is also the possibility of poisoning yourself, something that could lead to hospitalisation, permanent health damage and even death. Don't believe us? Read this. Consequently, the Rake & Herald does not recommend you emulate the above video(s) yourself. Seriously. We are NOT joking. You have been warned.



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