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Sugar and spice

By editorial assistant Sandi Toxic

Posted March 08, 2013
tobasco jellybeans
Let's hope the wind don't change: Mmm Mmm feels the heat. © Tracy Goode

Down in the mouth? Well why not shove it full of ridiculously spicy sweet stuff then post it up on YouTube? It'll cheer us up if nothing else.

Emotions are a funny one.

The other day I woke up by the bins only to find half a fish supper in my pocket.

I was ecstatic.

As I couldn't remember buying it the night before it was effectively a free lunch.


But then Rake & Herald booze editor Miltov Lamprey rolled up off his tits on boot polish and literally pissed on my chips.




I tried soaking his cock spittle up with some of his dandruff but it was useless.

My chips, although pleasantly warm and evenly salted, were just too damn soggy to eat.

Plus I could hardly taste the vinegar any more.

In a matter of minutes, my life had been turned upside down.

My mood darkened even further when that Rake bloke appeared and told me he'd found a typo in one of my stories from last year so he would have to dock me three months pay and burn my house down again.

What was I to do?

There was only one thing for it.

Check out some eating challenges on YouTube, which is how I came across Major League Eating's (MLE) Tracy 'Mmm Mmm' Goode taking on one of the stranger sounding food fights: "about a pound" (0.5 kg) of Tabasco Jellybeans "and no water".

Now, while it is true that I did cackle hysterically as I repeatedly plunged that bread knife into Lamprey's thigh, I am not actually a sadist.

As such.

However, on watching Rutles fan Mmm Mmm take on this challenge my spirits immediately lifted.

Not because he was in clear discomfort and couldn't "feel his tongue" by the end of it but because of his comments, tenacity, range of expressions, honesty and downright heroism.

I particularly liked the reference to Scanners.

So thank you very much, Mmm Mmm.

Trust me, your suffering was worth it.

A truly inspirational video.

But Mmm Mmmm isn't the only gurgitator out there who doesn't believe that hot and sweet should be the sole preserve of Thai food.

Shortly after watching Mmm Mmm try to make his head explode, I discovered that 'Asbestos Mouth' Aaron 'Spicochist' Wakamatsu had just posted up a new vid of himself scoffing 31 Gingerbread Oreos loaded with "a little sliver of Jay's Peach Ghost Scorpion pepper and a bunch of Wanza's Wicked Temptation pepper extract".

Ghost Scorpion, as its name implies, is a cross between the world's two hottest chili peppers, viz the Bhut Jolokia, or Ghost Pepper, which has a rating of up to 1.58m SHUs, and the Trinidad Moruga Scorpion, which clocks up around 2m.

Wanza's is apparently hotter still.

This I simply had to see.

But what was it like with all those sweet biscuit jobbies?

Could Asbestos Mouth even taste the chili?

You decide.

Clue: he could hardly talk afterwards.

So big cheers to both Mmm Mmm and Asbestos Mouth!

You two literally made my day.

Right, gotta go.

Lamprey's just passed out on the floor.

And I know where there's a mousetrap I can shove down his cacks.

To watch more kick-buttock eating vids, check out Mmm Mmm's YouTube channel here and Asbestos Mouth Spicochist's one here. Top eating, the pair of you! Perhaps you should work for the Samaritans.

Do you like our Sandi's scribblings? If so, why not befriend her on that Facebook thing? We don't let her out much, see, preferring instead to shackle her to her desk inside an indestructible cage (it's actually a Perspex box with a couple of air holes stabbed into it with a chisel). As such, she's terribly lonely and unloved. Please find it in your heart to help her before her constant whining drives us to kill her with a sharpened curtain rod. Remember, Sandi's life is in YOUR hands so get 'friending', or whatever the trendy modern verb is. Please. She's just started crying again.

WARNING! Competitive eating can be dangerous. As well as choking hazards there is also the possibility of poisoning yourself, something that could lead to hospitalisation, permanent health damage and even death. Don't believe us? Read this. Consequently, the Rake & Herald does not recommend you try emulating the above video(s) yourself. Seriously. We are NOT joking. You have been warned.

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