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St Piran's Day pasty smoothie

By editorial assistant Sandi Toxic

Posted March 06, 2014
cornish pasty smootie
Touching gesture: The Devonshire Idiot in action. © The Devonshire Idiot

It wasn't just the people of Cornwall who were knocking back the pasties and booze on St Piran's Day yesterday. So too was the Devonshire Idiot. Mind you, he also had a blender handy.

For years now the world's two great superpowers have been locked in a bitter rivalry, an ongoing battle for world domination that more than once has brought the planet to the very brink of total global annihilation.

I speak, of course, of the geopolitical jousting and jostling between the former Celtic kingdom of Cornwall and its Arctic northern neighbour Devon.

However, in a moving gesture of international friendship yesterday (5/3/14), Devon's leading ambassador of alimentary athleticism, the Devonshire Idiot, bravely held out a special St Piran's Day olive branch of peace and understanding.

An olive branch consisting of two large Cornish pasties, a chopped apple, one and a half 440 ml (14.9 oz) cans of "slightly out-of-date" 5% cider and 400 g (14.1 oz) of clotted cream.

All blended together and then heroically downed in just over 6 minutes.

But how did it taste?

"Much like a smoothie pasty."

"With cider and cream in it," he reports.

Admittedly, some hardcore pasty aficionados will be horrified by the notion of anyone adding anything to a proper pasty, let alone blending two of 'em up with a load of clotted cream, cider and apple slices.

Heck, in much of Cornwall the application of ketchup to a pasty still carries the death sentence, a crime that can see the perpetrator burnt to a cinder inside a giant wicker man or hung by their bollocks from the nearest tree.

Nevertheless, we here at the Rake & Herald strongly believe that the Devonshire Idiot's fearsome food fighting feat needs to be seen for what it truly is, a selfless act of great personal sacrifice made in the name of peace and mutual respect so that our two great nations may finally agree on whether to call people from up country 'emmets' or 'grockles'.

Moreover, this hunger-hammering hatchet burying was no small task, with the Devonshire Idiot revealing that it was "the worst chug [he has] ever tried to do".

Indeed, he exclusively contwitulates with the Rake & Herald that afterwards he felt "fricking awful".

"It took around 30 seconds to totally turn inside out after stopping," he continues.

"Clotted cream, me thinks."

"Oddly, it hasn't put me off any of it."

In addition to his swift recovery, we just hope that his valiant gurgitational efforts will not be in vain and that peace shall prevail on both sides of the Tamar as a result of his chug.

After all, as Frankie Goes to Hollywood put it, "when two tribes go to war, one is all that you can score".

Whatever the f--k that means.

Anyway, big cheers for the shout out at the start, sir.

Respect to the Devonshire Idiot!

The above video was embedded on the Rake & Herald from the Devonshire Idiot and Co's glorious YouTube channel. Check it out now for a whole host of new and innovative ways to consume everything from flaked tropical fish food to raw cow tongue and much, much more. Fair play to our northern cousins!

See also Beer 'n' gravy 'n' mind-blowing chilli, posted 19/2/14, and The Cornish Moon Landings, posted 5/3/14.

Sandi Toxic
was raised by wolves inside a disused clay pit near Lanjeth. You can befriend her on FaceBook here. She is still quite feral.

WARNING! Competitive eating can be dangerous. As well as choking hazards there is also the possibility of poisoning yourself, something that could lead to hospitalisation, permanent health damage and even death. Don't believe us? Read this. Consequently, the Rake & Herald does not recommend you emulate the above video(s) yourself. Seriously. We are NOT joking. You have been warned.

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